Birthday Breakup
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| Sat, 07-28-2007 - 1:19am |
The best thing about a true downpoint is that it can't possibly get worse. I've had some birthdays that were not so fun but NOTHING can top today. I just brokeup with my boyfriend of two years. Of all days. This has to be my worst birthday for the rest of my life or the alternative to having birthdays will start to look pretty good.
I posted earlier more details when I was struggling over "if"... and now it's for real. At least, I am trying to convince myself it's for real. He wasn't helpful in that department.
I know it needs to be. I am shut out, his mother is pulling the strings, and ultimately it will come to this--so better now than later. He gave me an ultimatum I could not accept, so rather than be strung along for months of no contact and indefinite "in relatinoship" status, I needed to end it now. It's a long-distance relationship now (turned, after 1 year together, 1 year ld) which makes it harder in some ways to feel "real." There is always that email or text or call.
Wow, I have cried so much my contacts are too foggy to read. I really feel like this is the only option, but I do NOT WANT THIS. And of course, he says he doens't either and he won't really consider it "over" and how much he loves me...so that makes it HARDER. How do I convince myself it's really over? How do I keep myself from holding on to false hope?
He already said he would email me because he felt like his thoghts were not together enough to communicate. He is thoroughly confused but I do not think time or talking will rescue that. If he does not know what he wants, he does not want ME enough. How do I keep myself from the "what ifs"? And the wanting to give second-chances when I know it is not for the best?
I guess it's too much to hope for a less than heart-wrenching birthday..

Why was your relationship a long distance relationship?
I have gone out with someone in a long distance relationship before. We were together for 5.5 years and almost got married. 3 of those years we lived together, then he moved abroad after that. I do believe certain long distance relationships can work although mine wasn't one of them. I guess I am just asking the question because I think it is a bit of a cop out that he has to communicate his thoughts with you via and email. Emails = monologue...
By the way I am sorry this happened on your birthday.
"Cop-out" on his part? I ask because it was HIS request that he be able to email me... I did not ask that of him. I really wanted to communicate everything then and there...and we went through talk one night, ok lets think until the next night for 3 nights in a row until I just felt it was time to stop dragging it out when everything he was telling me was negative and not giving me any reason to hope.
It was long distance because we met in graduate school, became best friends, and started dating there... and then I moved away and have been out of the country and then also living in my home state while I start working on my doctorate distance... while he stayed where we met and is finishing law school. We have been distance one year and seen eachother...more or less 6 or 8 times in that time period. In some ways, I think distance may have allowed us to keep hope alive because we did not struggle distance like we do when we are together... but it also gave us a chance to work through SO many communciation problems that have really pretty much been resolved but the relationship broke down somewhere in the learning process, I guess. Really, we would have to be long distance at least another year and a half and I think we could have survived that, if we dealt with other relationship issues.
He didn't even wait 24 horus and his email was begging for a second chance to try. I do not think he sounds like he is willing to put himself into it though... it is kind of like I said I was willing to settle for no commitment right now, just to try and go through a period of growth...and that was my "minimum" offer but he could not even aquiesce that. Now, he comes back, and offers the minimum but in the meantime, I realize how LITTLE we have left to try and rebuild and it makes me very unsure I want to try again. He comes back with "I have decided I DO want to be in a relationship with you" but it sounds like he has just decided that "losing me" right now is not what he wants after all. I'm not sure that's enough to help us build something.
Cop out on his part - I just meant that it is always easier and more effective to talk than to write. Its just a text message or an email is open to interpretation... even talking is at times. It sounds as if you are emotionally exhausted and just want to know where you stand exactly and I applaud you for that.
My long distance ex bf and I were similar in the sense that we got on real well when we were apart. We were each other's constant source of support. Part of the challenge of a long distance relationship though is not about being apart, but about being together when the opportunity to see each other comes. He understands you through emails/phone conversations and you the same of him. However, when you actually see each other and have to spend time together, it is a different ball game altogether and that takes just as much time and patience to work out.
Your post seems to imply that you were unhappy about the relationship and breaking up was sort of a way to make that real clear to him to see whether he would raise his game. Whether he really would or not, only time will tell. However, it concerns me slightly that he wrote 'I have decided I want a relationship with you....', it just seems to me if he really wants it to work, he would make it sound very differently. However, again, maybe its just because it was in writing and the tone comes across differently than what he's intended.
Long distance actually requires a lot more commitment and effort on both parties as you already know. No commitment in a long distance relationship sounds like it could be something that could potentially drag on for a long time without clarification or direction. Could you be happy with that?