Birthday wishes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Birthday wishes?
6
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 1:07pm

My ex's bday is coming up in about a week. We haven't spoken in about a month - since he was in town and dropped off my stuff. Since then, we have emailed once - he wanted to know how my job interview went. He has copied me on a couple of joke emails, but I haven't responded. We really didn't talk about the no-contact thing, but after reading everyone's advice on this board, I am determined not to call him. Last time we broke up I kept telling him not to call me and then one of us would break. I figured this time its better to just do it without making a big "no-contact" rule, since he wouldn't believe me anyway.

My question is this - should I send him a brief email wishing him a happy birthday? Nothing about us, just birthday wishes? He asked me if he could call me on my birthday (several months away) and I just said "that's a long time away." I feel mean not wishing him a happy birthday, but then again, the way he handled this breakup was not so nice either. He never said anything mean to me, he just pulled the rug out from under me with NO warning, 2 weeks before a big Carribean vacation.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 2:11pm
I wouldn't, though of course that's easier said than done. The big question is, what's the point? If things are over, the longer you maintain contact, the longer it will take you to heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 3:15pm

i agree with course11...

last summer, it was my exs bday about a month after i called NC. i sent him a birthday ecard thinking that it was the "appropriate" thing to do. but, when he responded - i realized that i had these other intentions deep down inside... his reply back was very casual and it made me very upset... i realized then that i was still holding on...

like course11 said, "whats the point?"

its true - whatever the contact may be, as long as you maintain some - the longer itll take you to heal...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 4:49pm

What is the point? Good question. I guess I don't know, other than I feel bad not wishing him a happy birthday. I can't believe it has come to this. Its hard to go from being so close to not even being able to wish him a happy birthday. Last year we were broken up, but talking, and I sent him a brief "Happy Birthday, hope you have a great year" or something like that. He responded, and told me he missed me. This was on the day he got back from a vacation with another girl. Ugh.

I know I could never trust him again, but that is my rational, logical mind talking. My heart still loves him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 8:33pm
Don't do it, don't do it, dear God, don't do it. I was in the EXACT same position you're in. My ex's b-day was about 1.5 months after we broke up, during which I maintained no contact, and then the "guilt" got to me and I not only contacted him but also sent him a gift (atomicly hot hot sauce, an inside joke). Yeah. It didn't "set me back" per se, but it completely re-involved him in my life after I had spent some time getting him OUT of it. I happily lied to myself telling myself that I was fine, and could be cool with being his friend and so forth...but oh how wrong I was. Anyway, re-involving him has just made my grieving process that much more difficult, and I'm POSITIVE that it will do the same for you. Just don't do it. Don't feel guilty either. He dumped your a**, may I remind you, and he's a complete jerk for doing so who obviously doesn't deserve your continued emotional investment. Heh. Pot calling the kettle black.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:36am

purpleshoes,

again, i say "DO NOT SEND BDAY WISHES"! as eeyore stated, even if it doesnt "set you back per se" - it may just reinvite him back into your life...

truth is, by acknowledging his birthday, you are ultimately still "holding on to SOMETHING." trust me - i did the same thing last year. about a month after NC, it was my ex's bday and i thought a simple egreeting was sufficient... i THOUGHT i had no motive behind it...but OH I WAS WRONG when i received a casual email back...

like eeyore pointed out - HE lost his chance with you...so quite frankly, he doesnt deserve your acknowledgement...

and i know exactly what you mean when you stated: "I can't believe it has come to this. Its hard to go from being so close to not even being able to wish him a happy birthday." im battling with the same notion... my ex was a HUGE part of me for the last two years (in total)... now, he's nothing but a closed chapter... it breaks my heart to realize this...

but its unfortunately true... and that im trying to deal with ..

let us know what you decide to do -
hugs to you,
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 8:40am
Thanks everyone. I won't acknowledge his birthday, as much as I want to. It is just hard to close the door that last little bit. Even though I know it HAS to be over, there is a part of me that wishes he would come running back. Not that I think wishing him happy birthday will bring him back, but its hard to close that door completely. But I have to move on.