Bitterness and forgiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Bitterness and forgiveness
1
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 12:41pm

So I have been having an internal battle. So My ex, broke up with me almost 3 months ago, and after a few weeks of being broken up he started seeing someone new AFTER telling me he wouldn't be a good boyfriend to ANYONE right now, not just me....Anyways, after a while I realized that we had a toxic relationship, where I was disappointed and crying alot of the time, he talked down to me, never made time for me when I would drive every weekend for 2 1/2 hours to be with him. He constantly chose the gym and work over me AND...the saddest part....was that in a year long relationship that he thought he would marry me....we NEVER slept together....even though I really wanted to and he said he really wanted to...he never made a move. This was the hardest thing for me since I have been "saving it" for someone special, someone like I thought he was (he's almost 25, I'm 23)...So now, I am disapointed in how the relationship was and ended..not being friends. I can't. I just can't get over that he treated me so selfishly. I gave up so much for him, my time, money, and who I was and I didn't get half that in return..never met me half way. I never asked for much, and he even admitted that to me that I wasn't asking anything that wasn't unreasonable in a "normal relationship" but I apparently I was asking for too much.

Now that he's finally graduating from the school that took him away from me (He would constantly do homework in the other room for hours while I was up to see him)I don't get to see his work pay off and it hurts...when we broke up he said he wanted me to be there but obviously it isn't going to happen. I was the one who cut off contact, and never broke it the first day I started (around 8 weeks I think)and told him I couldn't be friends...and then he betrayed what we had by being with someone else. This hurts so much, he basically turned his back on what we had, even if it wasn't the healthiest relationship. And I think...or know..that he probobly blames me for it being unhealthy because I said at one point that I would rather be with him like it was then be without him....but I had on the rose colored glasses, couldn't see how he was treating me with such disrespect, talking down to me constantly and chosing to "pleasure himself" then be with me...I told one of my guy friends all this and he thinks he's gay or in the closet because alot of this stuff he said is not "normal guy behavior in a relationship" I don't believe it but who knows....obviously only him.

Which brings me to this. I want to be able to want him to be happy...but I can't and I hate that because it is not me or my nature...I feel mean and bitter and I should be over all that I went through, but I can't forget and right now I can't forgive either when I want to...but I just can't and I feel like a B*tch which I hate. And I start to really hate myself for holding this grudge. He was my first love and I feel used and betrayed and I can't get over that. I am over him..but not how I was treated. How do I get over this, is this normal and will I ever be able to forgive him, but not forget? He always put himself first and now I am putting myself first, and everyone tells me what a jerk he is...but I hate saying that...though it maybe true. How do I get through this feeling of feeling guilty about not wishing him good things. I don't wish bad things on him, but I don't wish him well right now...though I REALLY want to.

Any insight would be good. Thanks for reading!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 4:55pm

mz860...

Pianoguy doesn't thing there's anything wrong with "putting yourself first?"

But you're wasting your "precious time" (quoting singer, Pat Benetar) worrying about someone who obviously had the desire to date someone else. .

Isn't it more important to focus on a man who WANTS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?

Believe it or not...we're out there! And at the age of 23---I'll bet you'll discover more than one who will love and support you like crazy. When a man is really comfortable with a woman...AS A TRUSTED FRIEND...you'd be surprised at the number of women we'll turn aside for YOU!

Don't waste your time being bitter...find yourself a friend that you can truly count on...and not just sleep with!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy