Bittersweet moments

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Bittersweet moments
14
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 6:54pm
Today is 3 months since S broke up with me. We had dated just over 4 years and had gone thru a lot in that time from dealing with health issues, friends weirding out on us, family problems mainly from his end and long distance, but somehow we also made it thru. The grounds we broke up on is so stupid as finally i got the answers i was looking for and it was two different issues, him dealing with something from the past which he doesn't even want to acknowledge the truth about. The thing was we saw and planned out life to be with each other and hard as i try i cannot stop loving him or thinking about him. Some days it feels like i'm obessed but i'm finding it hard to let go. For the last three months we fought everytime we talked n he always found a way to blame me...i just wanted his friendship since that was what we had built out relationship on and as clique as it sounds we had that special connection. Finally over last week or so we finally started talking, slowly the time is increasing, he more than me can tell me about what is going on and slowly we are joking again. When we broke up we both lost that happiness, now i'm scared i'll blow it again coz everytime we speak its bittersweet, coz i'm happy we are talking but i miss not being able to tell him the things my heart wants to say coz i fear losing his friendship. I know he still loves as i love him, is there anyway just being friends can work or is there a way i can convince him its worth another try? I'm not sure what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 8:30am

sad_mich...

Pianoguy is really puzzled today???

Why do women want to interexchange casual friendship and serious feelings over and over again? I'M SERIOUS HERE! So if an ivillager can enlighten me with an honest answer...and not just a "personal wish" that romance will happen again...I'M LISTENING!

Anyway sad_mich...you've done the 'casual friendship to serious feelings' thing in your post. In one sentence, you referenced the fact that you don't want to 'blow the friendship by doing something stupid!' And then in your next sentence you asked: "Is there any way I can convince him it's worth another try?"

While I've never been a believer in the "we can still be friends after our break-up" theory, I suppose many ivillagers feel it's possible? What PG doesn't understand is why some women assume that a 2nd serious relationship will automatically 'kick in' after the friendship has been renewed?

Anybody out there have an answer for this? I sure don't!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:46am

PG, it's the triumph of hope over reason and common sense ;-). We're not "assuming" that we'll get back together, we are HOPING we will. I think we all KNOW it's not smart to stay "friends" with our exes when we really want more, but we can't let go of the hope that he'll change his mind if we stay on his radar. I know I've been there, done that...I know better now but that doesn't mean I don't grapple with that hope and think, "oh, maybe this time is different" (and of course it's not) every single time I go through a breakup.

Of course, it only ends up hurting US...but when you're in the middle of a painful breakup, it's hard to see that. Nearly everyone who tries the "friends" thing later realizes it is just keeping them stuck in the pain and that no contact is necessary to move on, at least for a period of time.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 12:09pm

I could never manage the friends after the breakup thing. It's always been a final ending. Somehow, too much has been broken and we just move on.

I agree with Piano Guy, you can't just flip flop, be honest with yourself and with your ex. If what you really are wanting and hoping for is a reunion, don't bother with the illusion of being just friends. Remember what friends do, they date other people. Ask yourself if you could handle your ex fawning all about his latest TO YOU?? Personally, I couldn't take it.

I'm having problems enough trying to even be in the same room as my ex. Don't make it any harder on yourself than it needs to be. Find OTHER friends of your own and take up an activity. ANything to keep him off your mind for now.

Hang in there!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:47pm

PG sends this one out to BOTH Sheri and calpearl...

Sheri...I KNEW you'd come up with a logical explanation...and I THANK YOU SO MUCH. During the 5 years I've been visiting the boards, there have always been references by several "I know I'm the right one for him" women!

So what puzzled me earlier was.....how can a woman be so certain that the man she has ALIGNED HERSELF WITH be the "right partner for life?" That's why your response made perfect sense to me.

calpearl...PG thinks it's very healthy to date others AFTER you've truly gotten past the break-up stage! The mistake many women have a tendency to make is date somebody else too quickly. Then they compare the previous b/f or husband to the current one!

BIG MISTAKE! BIG!!!

Not only does this sort of reference make most of us uncomfortable (and sometimes a little angry), but we're suddenly being expected to mimic someone else's behavior (or standards)....which could be either GOOD, BAD or BOTH?

Just an FYI to all ivillage ladies reading this. Unless your feedback for us is 100% TOTALLY POSITIVE...very few men wish to listen to tales of "what John used to do when the 2 of us were together!"

New couples have to reinvent themselves based on their current partnership. It's really not fair to play the "John never did it this way" game! Because if John was so perfect, he'd still be in the picture...and the rest of us wouldn't be!

To quote (the late) Mama Cass Elliot: "You gotta make your own kind of music!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:41pm

So perhaps i'm still confused as you point out from my post as i say one thing then contradict it with the next.

The thing is i really do want the friendship....if i can handle just friendship is a different story as i wouldn't know util i try. I'm no expert at relationships...i've only had two...one was one year that endly badly n friendship was not an option n tis one that lasted over 4 years. after 4 years its hard to let go, i'm finding that a problem. We ahve tried the no contact, been down the arguing n hurtful road, but at the end of the day no matter how bad it was i still missed him. I cannot put into words the connection we have....

but perhaps its decitful and selfish of me, but as someone else said, maybe we just want to be kept on the radar. the thing is its not like we are in the same province, we broke up doing long distance the more the harder...but the thing is too, i have very lil number of people i would consider close friends who i can really talk to...he was the top of that list. so thats why i want to be friends...what i meant by doing something stupid was with respect of emotions getting the better of me as it's all a pretend that i can do this without feelings in the way...who i'm fooling i'm not sure, but as ridiculous as it sounds, things are pretty miserable without him at all in my life...thats why i would endure the hurt for the friendship...makes sense...maybe not...but does life make sense or the thigns we do sometimes?

i'm just trying to get solutions, hear what other people might have to say coz i don't really ahve anyone to turn to otherwise at the moment, as my closest friends are not in palces to give advice as they have their own sh*t to deal with...y burden them with mines.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:52pm

In a nutshell: Short term pain for long-term gain.

You need to cut off contact for NOW so that you can get over him...then once you are completely over any romantic feelings for him, you can reconnect as friends and be friends hopefully for the rest of your life. Yes, it might take a year or two of no contact...but what is that compared to years and years of friendship down the road? A drop in the bucket.

Of course you missed him when you had no contact...that's natural and normal. But unless you get to the other side of that through a long enough period of no contact, you will stay stuck in the painful limbo you're in. Who knows, perhaps if you didn't put so much emotional energy into maintaining this friendship at such a high cost to yourself, you'd be able to get out there and meet some new friends.

So long as you recognize and accept the consequences of your choice, it's yours to make.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 3:57pm

sad_mich....

PS from PG:

"Just focus on the friendship you have...and EXPECT NOTHING MORE!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 11:04am

I agree. The NC is very important. Case in point:
Last night just as my exercise class was starting, who should show up? Right in front of me for an entire hour. Of course, you really can't have a conversation with a room full of people.

I had thought that I would be happy to see him, but I'll tell you, it was the most painful hour of my life! As I was leaving, he physically turned away from me, you know, the shunning move. Ouch! Of course, I did the same on the stairs.

This has set me back so much that I haven't stopped crying and my stomach is a mess of knots. I have no idea what to expect tonight. We don't ordinarily cross but we'll see.

I would like to be able to have a conversation with him, but he really flies away from any confrontation and this would be too much for him. Which leads me to remind myself that it proves unacceptable for me. Too high a price, no matter what I feel towards him.

Sad Mich, hang in there. It's not easy and it's not fair, it's only life and it does improve.

There is a saying that everything you truly need for now is before you, it's up to you to see it and understand it.
(((hugs)))

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:58pm

Ugh...I'm sorry, that sounds awful.

Do you *have* to go to the same gym? I'm sorry, I can't remember if there's a reason you can't change gyms for the time being.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:49pm
Well,,, yeah, unless I want to drive for about 45 minutes in the middle of nowhere.
I like my gym. I have friends there and I love the place in general
Not to mention the fact that it's about a 4 minute drive from my house.

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