Blah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Blah
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Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:11pm
I hate being on this emotional rollercoaster...just earlier today I was feeling all strong and proud of myself for not responding to his recent attempts to contact me. But right now I'm feeling lousy...I want nothing more than to talk to him. I want him to know that I still care...I feel bad for not responding! I know no-contact is best, but I feel like I'm being just as cruel as he has been in the past. But I know that he's probably just playing a game and that if I respond, I'll probably still feel sh*tty because it's unlikely that he'll answer.

What do I do? Maybe he really does want to try and be friends...it had seemed like he was a lot more receptive to the idea the last time we actually talked. But I know I'm not over him yet...so would that be unhealthy? Is it possible to try and build a friendship and get over him at the same time? My gut instincts are telling me no...but my heart wants it to be different.

Do I let him know that I need time to get over him? I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still want him...sometimes I'm so jealous about his new girlfriend that it makes me almost physically sick. I feel like I need closure...but how do I get it? Is having no-contact really the best thing to do? I still feel as though I'm making a mistake by letting him go...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:55am
Nope. You're not making a mistake by letting him go. He's gone already. He's with someone else. You need to keep up the no contact so you can heal. After you're totally healed then you can consider being friends. For now, being friends probably isn't the best idea because it hurts too much. Why hurt yourself? I know I'm simplifying it, and it's not simple. But in one sense it really is. You need to forget him and move on. I know it hurts, I'm dealing with the same pain right now. But the pain will pass. If you keep in touch with him you will never heal. It's like pulling a scab off over and over again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:48am
I agree. If you contact him and he rejects you, it will only make your hurt worse. Friendship can be possible after a time, just not right now. And talk about roller-coaster, if you start contacting him he could just keep going back and forth between you and the new girlfriend and you'll go nuts trying to keep track of him. He made his choice, now you have to do what's best for YOU. And believe me, this new girlfriend may seem perfect to him right now, but eventually her flaws will be revealed, and then he'll probably move on from her too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:28pm
Thanks guys, for all of your advice and support...

I know that you're right--no-contact is the healthy way to go. I was just having a weak moment yesterday...now I feel fine. I actually had a good cry over him last night...for the first time in awhile. I thought a lot about our past, the good and the bad times...and I thought more about his new girlfriend and how much crap she is going to have to put up with :b She may get the best of him now...but the way I see it, she'll also have to put up with the worst. He's very high-maintenance!

Of course I'm not saying that I'm done hurting, or hoping...a part of me still wants to be his friend. And I'm afraid he isn't going to give me time to get over him (he sees things very differently than most people)...but I'm starting to realize that if he isn't willing to do that, then I don't need him as a friend. It's rough...but I'm determined to pick myself up off the ground and move on with my life.

It's been 4 months...and it's seemed like 4 years. Is that normal? I feel pathetic sometimes, like I'm taking forever to get over him. But in a way I've only just started the healing process--it's just recently that I've begun to follow the no-contact rule. I feel like I've been desperately trying to hold on...but I don't even know to what anymore. You are right, he has moved on to someone else, and maybe he'll be happy with her, maybe not. Maybe someday he'll regret giving me up...but I can't count on, or hope for that any longer...it's been slowly killing me. I regret that I've taken so long to finally try and let go of him....

I still don't quite understand why he bothers to contact me occasionally but I'm sure he'll eventually give up, and it'll be for the best--no matter how much I want him to always remember me. I'm proud of myself for not giving in yet...it's been almost a week & a half since I stopped contacting/responding to him! :) That's some major progress compared to how it used to be, believe me...

Ah, we'll see...I've been thinking, and even if he DID want to get back together, would I do it? I miss the good parts of him so much...but there were a lot of bad parts that I discovered only after he decided to show his true colors (after the breakup, of course). I don't think I could ever trust him again...maybe someday I'll finally be able to say that I'm better off without him and mean it.

Good luck to all of you guys too...I know we can make it through this

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:05pm
Congratulations on your week and a half of NC. I'm on my second day of it. All last week I texted and emailed him. I'm done with that. It's hard, and I'm still writing things to him, just not sending them.

We WILL make it through, each and every one of us! Why? Well, aside from the fact that we don't have a choice, because we're strong, smart and resilient. We've loved before and we'll love again. No contact, even though it hurts, does speed up healing. You'll see, four months from now you'll probably feel a lot differently than you do now.

I wonder where everyone's been for the last two days. Board has been kind of slow, hasn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:40pm
Congrats on making it to your 2nd day of NC! :) Seriously...I know how hard it is to stop yourself from contacting the one you love, especially if your relationship was anything like the one I had with my ex. We may have been long-distance, but we talked daily...for LONG periods of time. We usually talked about 8 or so hours a day, and while that may make it sound like I had no life, that isn't true...we just always made the time to talk and share things with each other. Which is part of the reason why I wonder now how he got away with the things he did (cheating, etc) and I didn't even notice, but oh well...basically my point is that I miss having that quality time with him. And it's been SO difficult for me to make the transition from talking so much to not talking at all. I wonder all the time how it could have possibly been that easy for him...but then I remember he found a new girlfriend right away :b

Keep up the NC...until about a week ago, I honestly thought it was a bad idea not to try and keep in touch with my ex. And of course I have my weak moments...I write him letters (but don't send them of course) all the time and think of all these things I'd love to tell him. But I've managed to keep myself from even IM'ing or txting him...and that was a huge step for me. You don't even want to know how many times a day I used to txt him, or how many e-mails I wrote him. It's seriously embarrassing to think about. But like I said, it's been over a week since I've done any of that and I'm so proud of myself :) There are still times when I have my doubts about NC being the right thing to do...because I DO still care about my ex, and a part of me still wants to talk to him sooooooo much. But I'm slowly getting my pride back...and learning how to let go. I gain strength by remembering the rare occasions we have actually talked since the breakup--those always ended badly and just made me feel horrible. It helps prevent me from contacting him now because I know I don't want to experience that pain again. And it's also helped me to remind myself that he doesn't actually care or want to be my friend...he's just playing a game. For awhile, I kept hoping that he really was trying to be nice...but after being let down so many times, I'm learning not to let him get to me quite as much.

It's been especially hard for me since I really haven't loved before (other than family and friends of course). He really was my first love...I just hope any other breakups I may go through in the future aren't as hard as this one has been.

Over time, it will get easier...because you're right, we DON'T have a choice. We can't make them want to be with us, or even want to know us. And we really can't continue hoping that they'll come back...maybe that helps some people but I find it easier to let go of that hope, as nice of a dream as it may be. Because I highly doubt my ex will come back...and I don't want to waste anymore of my time thinking otherwise.

The discussion board really has been quite slow lately...I wonder why. Perhaps everyone's suddenly gotten over their heartbreaks? :b Hehe, that'd be nice...but anyways, GOOD LUCK. Keep being strong...I wish you nothing but the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:48pm
Congrats on your NC!!! That's a really great thing. I'm almost 4 weeks of NC...but I've also had to see him (not talk to him) pretty often at school. I think it's seeing him that's giving me the urge to call and say, "I need to talk."

I don’t know! I just ran into him again tonight. Outside our study hall area and we actually spoke. Briefly and about nothing..."Hi, how are you? Fine, how are you? Burned out on school, how about you?" I noticed he was wearing the kind of jeans I always told him he should wear...the kind of jeans he'd never wear when we were a couple. I played it cool. He asked about my new apartment. I said it was fine. He never even wished me happy birthday. It was just so weird, and I don't think he thought it was weird at all. He was with his stupid guy friend that was ALWAYS around like his shadow when we were dating and the stupid jerk wouldn't leave, he just stood there like a dumb-ass, so my ex and I couldn't talk about anything. But I guess if he really wanted to talk, he would have asked him friend to leave.

I want to call him and say, "I need to talk." But I really wonder if it would help at all. What if he told me, "I'm dating someone new and moving on with my life?" Would that send me into a tailspin even more? It sounds like you all have contacted your exes to some extent...is it really all that bad an idea? How do I know if it would give me closure or send me into emotional-ville?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:08pm
(((Hugs))) I know this is hard but you sound like you're doing soooo much better!!! A week and a half of NC? That's great progress and you *Should* be proud!!! I wouldn't give in to him wanting to try a friendship now...it's too soon and it would be pretty painful...especially with him having a gf. Like you said...if he can't wait, then he doesn't deserve your friendship...besides who wants a friend that they can't trust? Good luck and keep us posted....we're always here if you need us!!!
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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:23pm
I said this to you on another thread and I'll say it here again, it really does sound to me like you should talk to your ex. It sounds like it would help you, even if it caused pain you would at least get off your chest the things you need to say.

Everyone's different. kcl hung on for a long time because she needed to. When she finally realized, at four months, that it was just hurting her, she was able to start NC. I sent text messages to my ex for 8 days. When I wasn't getting any response, nothing, nada, zilch, I stopped. I'm not crazy. I was writing to him because I wanted a response. I wanted him to say something to me. Since I didn't get a response I had to stop.

I have considered calling my ex, but I'm not sure what I'd say. I don't really have anything to say to him anymore. The way I see it, if he wants me he'll contact me. The fact that he hasn't speaks volumes. But your situation seems different. You sound like you actually have things on your mind that you need to say. And since you're forced into contact with each other I think it's important for you to find a way to co-exist peacefully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:53pm
You know, I agree with iamdelightful on this one...I now feel that no-contact is the way to go--but for ME. Everybody suggests having NC but then again...everyone's situation is a little different.

Maybe you do need to talk to your ex because it does sound like you have actual things to say. My problem was that I just wanted to talk...it didn't matter that I had nothing to say. I had already told him everything I was feeling...I was just so used to sharing my life with him that the transition from talking all the time to having NC took awhile. 4 months is a long time...so please don't do what I did. My ex treated me like sh*t after we broke up and basically just ignored me (except for his random contact attempts)...but I put up with it and delayed my healing process.

If you really want to talk to him, if you actually have things to discuss that you feel he would be able to give you closure on...then go ahead and contact him. But if he doesn't respond (either at all or in the way that you were hoping for), PLEASE don't try to hold on. Let go...I've learned the hard way that it's pointless. Don't hold onto nothing like I did, don't let him give you false hope, and don't be discouraged...because even if HE doesn't give you the closure you want, you will find it within yourself eventually.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's fine to try, but once is good enough. Don't let him take advantage of your vulnerability. Just remember to keep your pride...because it's tough to get back, believe me! :b