blegh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
blegh.
13
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 7:22am

I am not doing well. I mean, I *am* in the sense that my life is moving right along and I've picked myself up by my bootstraps and have made a boat load of progress in the personal growth department...but, for the last 2 or 3 weeks I've had wracking, sobbing, grief stricken, what-I-could-only-describe-as panic attacks, at least every other day. Basically these happen when I think about my ex, more specifically when I think about never having my ex again (oh here I go, getting all teary), or seeing him, or talking to him, or being able to love him openly like I did. When I think about that my chest clenches up, my heart starts pounding a bit faster, I feel nauseated and like I can't breathe, and then I tear up. If I'm out in public when this happens then I just breathe through it and save it for later, if I'm at home alone then I'll just let it out and let myself cry. When I let myself cry it usually takes me a good hour to settle down.

I am just so unbearably sad right now. For better or for worse, I love this person with every shred of my being. I've never loved anyone like this before and I just have no comprehension of how I'm supposed to "get over it" or "move past it" or whatever the heck it is I'm supposed to do. To never have this person in my life again...oh god...it's too much. I don't get it, and I know I'm not supposed to, but I just don't understand how I'm supposed to go from loving this person 150% and deciding that I could see my life with him, to...nothing. To not talking to him, not seeing him, not being with him, nothing. I don't understand how this person who is so incredibly important to me can just become "just another chapter in my life." I don't understand and I hate this situation. I feel completely impotent b/c there's nothing I can do to change the situations, to change his feelings, to change his actions, or to change my feelings even. The only things that I can control here are my actions...and I *have* to control them b/c "doing" anything changes nothing. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Tired of waking up everyday to a fresh round of heartbreak that tears me apart. Tired of crying every stupid day. Tired being in love with someone who has decided not to be with me. Tired of waiting for it to get late enough at night so I can just go to bed and seek some kind of relief from the day--even though my days are FINE, it's still a day chock full of the really painful reality that we're not together. I'm just tired of it all. The pain is overwhelming. I don't ever want to go through this again.

I'm not looking for platitudes, or the "you will move past it," "it will make you stronger," "he's not worth it" bs; I've heard enough. I'm just venting.




Edited 5/7/2005 7:24 am ET ET by eeyore_2436

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 8:43am

eeyore,

(((HUGS)))

if youve been keeping up with the message board, then youll easily see that im feeling much alike you... i know exactly how it feels.

i think about my ex, and at the thought of "having to move on," my chest clenches, my heart sinks - and im suddenly wrought with panic and incredible sadness...
i recall our memories and all the ways he was with me just DAYS before the breakup(and i cant help that i do!) - and suddenly, i feel so confused that i just want to pick up the phone and ask him WHY and HOW...
i hear people say to me, "just stop thinking about it," "youll get over it," or "time heals all," ...and i feel like throwing a tantrum... i mean, how do i JUST stop?! and what if i dont WANT to HAVE to get over it?? so what if time heals?! -> doesnt make it right that im not with him!
my days are fine sometimes, and theres definately been progress... but nonetheless, he is literally the FIRST thing that enters my head when i wake up in the morning...he is the reason why im sad before my eyes even open...

actually, its saturday morning right now, and i have work... im dreading today. i work at a bank and today, ill be in a branch that i havent been in for awhile... the last time i was there, my ex was texting me the entire day - and he came to meet me after work...we then spent hours at the mall...and i remember him buying me this furry chicken toy to cheer up my long day...i remember us buying groceries afterwards and making dinner together that night...i remember him building his humidifier in his room afterwards and i clearly recall looking at him as he so diligently put it together, thinking: "i love him. im so lucky to have him."

UGH, i KNOW the location is going to remind me of him...and you know whats sad?? the fact that ive decided to not wear the high heels that i wore that last time i was at that branch...i want to try and not remind myself of that day as much as possible!! darnit - i cant wear my favourite heels!!!

actually, im going to start the medication today i think...

so, anyways - theres nothing i can really say... trust me, i know that too. im just offering my "experience" with you - even though im sure my understanding does nothing to soothe your pain...

but, vent away! in fact, feel free to drop me a message any time if youd like. maybe go shopping today? see some friends?? sleep?? ... i seem to do a lot of those three to get through my days! lol

i hope your day gets slightly better,
(((HUGS)))
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 11:00am

I am sorry you are feeling so awful - I have been there, and some days still am. I don't understand why this had to happen and I feel like my life, and my future, has been trashed. It isn't fair. I don't understand.

One thing that has helped me get perspective is to stop thinking about how awful I feel for just a moment and take an interest in the outside world. When we are hurting, we tend to become very insular, obsessing about our problems and our pain. When I look outside myself and read the newspaper and watch the tv news, I realize that my problems, no matter how all-consuming they are to me, are nothing compared with what some people have to deal with. There is so much pain and tragedy in the world that I realize how lucky I am. I'm healthy, as are my family and friends, I have a nice home, I have friends who care about me, and on and on. I am not trying to trivialize your pain - I know it is incredibly real and devastating. But stepping outside of myself to focus on others really does help put things in perspective. It could be SO much worse.

Good luck - I hope you find a little peace today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 9:18pm
Thanks for your support. I know. Believe me, I know. I just...I've never been through this, or anything like it, before. I've never loved like this, I've never been hurt like this...I've just never *felt* any of these things that I'm feeling before...not to the degree that I'm feeling them. And they're just...it's all just so overwhelming. I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with this man...I've never met anyone like him. And now he's just...gone. It kills.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:33pm

I totally understand. I feel exactly the same way about my ex. I have never felt anything CLOSE to what we had, and I'm scared that I'll never find it again. We talked about spending the rest of our lives together. I have never been happier, and my whole world fell apart overnight. As time goes on, I am slowly allowing myself to think that there is a chance I could find someone that makes me feel that way again. Who knows - maybe it will be even better. And best of all, he will value what we have as much as I do.

I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:47pm

I think almost all of us who have gone through the break up of a serious r'ship have been exactly where you are. And even though I've gone through it before, while I was in the middle of my last one, I couldn't imagine HOW I was going to get through it and to the other side. But I did, and you will too.

Have you read the book "Letting Go"? That probably helped me the most because it deals with some of the exact same questions you're asking...not that there are *answers* in the book, exactly, but there are suggestions for dealing with what you're going through.

When I've had days like you describe in the past, I do a lot of breathing, and reciting one of my break up mantras, "the only way out is through". You have to feel the pain before you get to the other side of it. It sucks, no question about it. But time, no contact and working on acceptance really will get you through to the other side...eventually.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 1:08am

So how do I work on accepting it...I've "accepted it" on a rational/superficial level, but not at all on a core level. As evidenced by the outflow of tears that has taken to occuring every single time I even think about "accepting on a core level". And I mean every single time (like when I read your post, for example). I'm not "a cryer" and it's annoying as heck.

Oh, also, which "letting go" book is it that you spoke of? I just looked on Amazon and there are a few...




Edited 5/8/2005 1:13 am ET ET by eeyore_2436
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 1:52am

<<>>

eeyore, you stole those words from my mouth :)

thats PRECISELY how i feel. i can process on a very logical, rational and surface level not only that my ex and i are broken up - but even "WHY." in my head - i am fully capable of reasoning, and intelligently understanding. furthermore - i can even dictate to myself exactly what it is that i need to do in order to move on and heal...

HOWEVER... just cause i am able to do that with my head and at surface, - that does not mean my heart is in alignment...on the contrary! i am having trouble ignoring my "gut instinct" to fight for him... my "intuition" that just knows how us breaking up is WRONG...my heart of hearts understanding that he really is IT for me...

and thats what makes it so hard for me right now... i feel as though i am going against my grain, and its painful to do so as every fibre of my being just seems to know better than to let him go. when my ex and i broke up last year - it was completely different...it was because we were fighting too much, it got too hard, etc etc... last summer, as HARD as it was - it was the "RIGHT" thing to do. but this time around, we've broken up because of "rationality" - and although i comprehend it, i have a hard time TRULY believing it... :(

i wish i was like my ex sometimes. hes really good at sticking to his decisions, and putting his feelings second to what he "should do." in fact, he often emotionally shuns situations that he cannot "logically comprehend" (maybe its an engineers quality!). i seem to lack this ability...

i saw a movie tonight with some friends, and although it was a very good movie - there were so many moments during the 2 hours where i was just saddened...saddened at how ill never see a movie with him again, saddened by our old memories, saddened about how my saturday night is no longer a part of his schedule, saddened at how this man once was SUCH a big part of my life - of me...and all of a sudden, we are nothing but "chapters" in one another's lives...

ughhh...ahhh!! - im rambling! im sorry - didnt mean to rant all over your thread!
hope today was better for you...
(((HUGS)))
eeksj

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 2:05am

Well, of course you haven't, you're not over him yet. *Reaching* acceptance means you're done, you're over him. It's a process...you're working on getting to the place where you really do accept it in your heart and bones (or the "core" level as you say). What has helped me in the past is stopping myself every time I'm having "how" and "why" thoughts, and instead saying over and over in my head what I call an "acceptance mantra" (I usually come up with several that are specific to the guy in question). It might be something like, "the why doesn't matter...he made a decision that we're not right for each other and I need to accept that." It's almost like a meditation...and eventually you get to a place where you realize you really DO accept it. But it is a long, slow process.

I think the authors of the Letting Go book are Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot. It's pretty old (like written in the 70s, maybe?), and some of it is dated and a little hokey (and I think their timetable of 12 weeks to get over someone is unrealistic), but a lot of it really hit home for me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 2:20am

Wow Eeksj, it sounds like your ex and mine took a page from the same book. The "feelings come second to fact" book--the one that I should've read a long time ago because I understand now that it's right. Anyway, yeah, the last time I saw my ex (and melted down, and threw myself at him...ugh, yeah, that time) when I was just beside myself and cried "don't you love me, I know you love me!?!" he replied "yes I love you, but love alone is not enough." And he's right, of course. (side note: I wish he could've said that he loved me when we were together...)

But despite all this, I thank God for him over and over again...for sending him into my life, for showing me this kind of love, for the ways he has inspired me and been the major kick in the butt that I needed to get myself together...for teaching me all that he, and this situation, has taught me about life and myself. But oh God do I miss him. And not being with him or facing the reality that I will never be with him again...ugh it makes me sick.

As for my days...well, this one was pretty average. They all are. I mean, I cry at least 3x a day but...that's only b/c I'm actually letting myself feel what I feel without really berating myself for doing so. It just hurts. They don't tell you that it hurts this much.

As an aside to Northwestwanderer...I do the "pseudo-meditation mantras" too. I remind myself how thankful I am for him, and that b/c I really do love and respect him I must respect his decision not to be with me, that the only things that I can control are my actions and so forth. I've long since given up the "why" did we break up question...1) because I know "why" and 2) because it doesn't really matter any more. Water under the bridge. But, even though I say those things, mean them and understand them, it doesn't stop the pain from washing over me. And, like I said, I just let it flow. I can't fight it anymore, I simply don't have the energy or the will.




Edited 5/8/2005 2:27 am ET ET by eeyore_2436
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
In reply to: eeyore_2436
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 8:28pm

You women are wonderful!! I cried the whole tiem I read all of the posts. All because I can completely relate to what you are all going through, because I too have the exact same thoughts and feelings. This break-up has hit me like a ton of bricks. And I can't get up from the rubble.

I thought I had found the love of my life. The one man who understood me. It was wonderful. And then we broke up and my world came crashing down. And I just can't seem to pull it back together now. I guess I have some sanity in knowing that I am not alone and that many of you have gotten over it or are moving forward. This is what keeps me going each day.

My thoughts are with you all. Thanks for all the support.

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