blegh.
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| Sat, 05-07-2005 - 7:22am |
I am not doing well. I mean, I *am* in the sense that my life is moving right along and I've picked myself up by my bootstraps and have made a boat load of progress in the personal growth department...but, for the last 2 or 3 weeks I've had wracking, sobbing, grief stricken, what-I-could-only-describe-as panic attacks, at least every other day. Basically these happen when I think about my ex, more specifically when I think about never having my ex again (oh here I go, getting all teary), or seeing him, or talking to him, or being able to love him openly like I did. When I think about that my chest clenches up, my heart starts pounding a bit faster, I feel nauseated and like I can't breathe, and then I tear up. If I'm out in public when this happens then I just breathe through it and save it for later, if I'm at home alone then I'll just let it out and let myself cry. When I let myself cry it usually takes me a good hour to settle down.
I am just so unbearably sad right now. For better or for worse, I love this person with every shred of my being. I've never loved anyone like this before and I just have no comprehension of how I'm supposed to "get over it" or "move past it" or whatever the heck it is I'm supposed to do. To never have this person in my life again...oh god...it's too much. I don't get it, and I know I'm not supposed to, but I just don't understand how I'm supposed to go from loving this person 150% and deciding that I could see my life with him, to...nothing. To not talking to him, not seeing him, not being with him, nothing. I don't understand how this person who is so incredibly important to me can just become "just another chapter in my life." I don't understand and I hate this situation. I feel completely impotent b/c there's nothing I can do to change the situations, to change his feelings, to change his actions, or to change my feelings even. The only things that I can control here are my actions...and I *have* to control them b/c "doing" anything changes nothing. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Tired of waking up everyday to a fresh round of heartbreak that tears me apart. Tired of crying every stupid day. Tired being in love with someone who has decided not to be with me. Tired of waiting for it to get late enough at night so I can just go to bed and seek some kind of relief from the day--even though my days are FINE, it's still a day chock full of the really painful reality that we're not together. I'm just tired of it all. The pain is overwhelming. I don't ever want to go through this again.
I'm not looking for platitudes, or the "you will move past it," "it will make you stronger," "he's not worth it" bs; I've heard enough. I'm just venting.
Edited 5/7/2005 7:24 am ET ET by eeyore_2436

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YEs, I've also been trying so hard to figure out how my ex could apparently shut off his feelings suddenly and get all up in his head. It's sooooo not what I'm made of or believe in. I've decided to stop trying to understand it because frankly I've thought about it and decided I DON'T want to understand it. I'm a pretty logical person myself but I would never give up on love because LOVE CAN BE LOGICAL too. When you're giving and caring and thinking of the other person's heart, you ARE being logical and rational. What is irrational is trying to talk yourself out of your feelings and thinking that there's such a thing as a "perfect relationship." I think my ex must have fallen in love with the idea of me instead of me because if he truly was in love with me he never would've treated me as callously as he did during our breakup. I was so happy to find him after being with a number of jerks. I was only his first real relationship and so I think he must've encountered our first hurdle and thought "oh, no, I guess that means she's not the one" and then without even TRYING to work through it with me, just dumped me and disappeared, leaving me totally shocked and incredilous.
In sum, I've decided I don't want to understand what can make a person capable of being so selfish and deceptive. To be loving and caring and say all sorts of committal things to someone only to turn around two days later and breakup with them is selfish and deceptive. Nope, I refuse to understand. And don't tell me it's some gender difference or crap like that- it's a defect of character.
ladies,
id like to begin with wishing you all well :) .. like nugirl stated, one of the things that keeps me sane is knowing that theres support out there and others who understand!
my ex just suddenly decided to SHUT his feelings for me...i quote him: "my feelings just wanted to be with you, but my head isnt convinced that i should - but as soon as i recognized that its ok to let go and relationships that dont make sense dont work - i realized that i have to go with my head and now, im ok with letting you go." WTF is that?!?!
ARGH. all of a sudden, everything we shared was nothing... all of a sudden, his feelings for me just dissapeared?? and "FUNNY" thing is - how HE pursued ME...
ive already ranted about this in my other "blue, need to vent, ugh" thread - so ill spare you all of my rambling..
but really, like popeyesgal says - there ISNT anything to understand.. if he wants to be emotionally stupid - then so be it! i know this on a very logical level.. hec, i can even rationalize why we must break up as well!
the "healing" part is for my heart and emotions to go along with those thoughts... at least i havent cried in a couple days, so thumbs up to that. i think the thing that HURTS the most - is my memories with him.. right now, id so love to erase them all... i cant even wear my favourite stilletos because it somehow reminded me of him! AHH!! and the thing that also kills me - is this "gut" feeling that i seem to have that just knows not being with him is WRONG... its soo hard to go against my grain...
but ah well ...another day has passed, and another tomorrow will arrive... im up late as usual even though i have work early in the morning... but at least, i have a new pair of dress pants for tomorrow - woohoo! lol
i KNOW its eventually possible to get through this ... and as northwestwander says, and as much as i HATE this, but i guess: "the only way out is through."
(((HUGS)))
eeksj
"Love is the only rational act"
~ Stephen Levine
One of my favorite quotes- and attributed to a man, no less.
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