Blind sided

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2007
Blind sided
9
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 6:21pm

With me feeling like I had no where to turn, I searched the internet. I figured its where him and I meet so maybe the internet could find me the answers as to how to get over this pain.

Like everyone woman in the world I have a story of heart ache. I'm 26, and have never been so lost in my life. I found him, he was the one. I couldn't see my life any other way. We met online which was a new dating venture for me and I was surprised to find someone who was so much like me and complimented all the flaws in my personality.

Last Sunday he ended it! He had me convinced with the words he said and I finally became open and trusting in a relationship. A friendship. He was my best friend. his family was my family! I loved everything about him, his life and his family. We had the same faith, the same interests and I have never had so much fun in my life. He was it. He had me convinced he felt the same.... But BOOM! It was over. He wasn't in love with me like he used to be just hours after telling me that it was him and me! We were a life long team. To never worry and he would always be there. I'm sick to my stomach and I cant shake it.

Not to mention NONE of my friends are being supportive in the least!! I'm falling apart and I can't help but feel like I am drowning. I have never felt like this about a break up before. It was very easy to just sort of move on. But this has consumed me. I cry all day! I can't eat, I cant sleep and I cant even watch TV. everything reminds me of him and I ffeel like no one is there as my safety net. My friends are no where to be found.

I'm sorry for venting just ran across this message board thought it might help to spill it down and release it into the web.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
In reply to: jes518
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 7:30pm

Oh My Gosh, you poor thing. You are going through what I have been struggling with for years. Except we had a child together- my story is posted here too. I don't know what to tell you, b/c I don't know what to do either. He was the love of my life as well. The sun rose and set on him... now I cannot get past him, and I have been trying for almost a year now. I don't have any support either. I do go to a councelor and that does help and do take Rx drugs- and those help as well.

I wish these things wouldn't happen to us. I always obscess about what was so wrong with me, that he couldn't love me and stay with me. He is a constant source in my life b/c of my son, and I think that is why I haven't moved forward as easilly. But I am getting better, but disconnecting from him is the best thing you can do. I know you need closure and probably have tons of questions to ask him.. Write them down, or write him a letter and then see if he will read it or be open for a talk. If he isn't, then send him the letter anyway and do so with a sense of relief that you are better off.

I can't think of much else, we are in the same boat. It doesn't get better overnight, but time does help. I understand that state of depression where nothing can distract you from the tears, that's why I had to get on some medication. If you need to talk further, let me know and we can exchange IM or emails.

I'm here for you!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2007
In reply to: jes518
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 8:27pm

Thank you so much for your reply! It really means a lot that someone actually took the time to read it.

I have tried for the past week for him to talk to me. He just says he doesn't know what to say. And friday finally told me that this chapter was over. That he just felt that he slowly fell out of love with me and he was so sorry for leading me on. It hurts. I asked for a second chance he said he would thikn about it but no response.

I just left him a long message. Telling me that I love him. That someday I hope he realizes it. That if he was looking for unconditional love that was me. I made my mistakes but only because I'm human. That was sorry he couldnt communicate his feelings with me. But I was here to work it out. Open arms and if he didn't want that then it was his lose. I know I'm a good hearted cute girl. I just hope something sinks in for him.

I'm just having a really hard even just getting out of bed. Not having any true friends makes it that much harder ya know? I would expect my best friend to come kick me in the butt or at least come by to see how I am doing. But nope.

Thank you so much. Who knew reaching out to a stranger online could make somethings feel a little better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: jes518
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 11:06pm

Jes,

I am very sorry for your pain - you poor thing, it hurts so much right now, I know. Its very hard and painful to deal with. Everyone on these boards has been through or is going through it (myself included).

I don't have any answers, but having been exactly where you are 5/6 months ago and looking at all I have learned from now til then, I can tell you two things for certain: one, that what you need is time, and two, no contact is a great way to go.

As for the time part, you are not going to be in the hysterical/shocked/cant eat or sleep stage forever, I promise. You'll grieve, but that wont be forever. You'll go through all the stages of a breakup - and it will be hard - but you can do it and you'll come out a stronger better woman in the end. If you come on these boards and read the postings or post yourself you'll realize dam it! if all these other women can do it, then I can too! And you can, you really can.
As for the no contact part, I would highly recommend it. Every time you talk to your ex, the feelings just come back and you are back at square 1. Write unsent letters to him, or in a journal, talk to a couselor if you need, or post on these boards - that is where to vent everything you want to say to your ex and get great advice and support.

Last, Im very sorry your friends are not there for you. Why is this? Is there a reason for it? If for whatever reason they wont or cant listen, then these boards will provide support. I rely on them only now, since most of my friends arent that interested in hearing me anymore (LOL)

Best of luck to you, you can do it you will get through this, promise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: jes518
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:07am

Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time right now. Believe it or not, in due time, your heart will heal and you will be a stronger person than you are today. As difficult as it may be, please try to keep your head strong, a positive attitude, and smile even when you don't want to. I'll keep you in my prayers and ask God to deliver you through this storm.

Warm hugs and plenty of love!

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: jes518
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:15am

Wow...sounds exactly like my break up. One day it was all hugs and kisses and 24h later it was "bye bye". Told me the guy I'd dated wasn't really him and he hadn't loved me in months. I really thought he was THE ONE, thought I'd marry him one day and we'd grow old together. According to friends and me, we were PERFECT. There was nothing he could do wrong in my eyes and I loved him unconditionally (which is no mean feat if you know me at all). It was as he'd walked away from everything we'd built together and I was nothing to him.

For a week after the break up I cried and begged, and tried to kill myself when he didn't respond. And for a week afterwards I was sick sick sick. Cried constantly, couldn't sleep, ate nothing, dropped 12 lbs, never left the house, could think of nothing him. I ran through scenarios in my head thousands of times to see where I'd gone wrong, wondered constantly if I could fix it, ached to call him. I was dead inside. I couldn't go to the mall, listen to a song, watch tv without bursting into tears. Sound familiar?

I'm not sure any of this will be comforting, but I'll repeat what was comforting to me at the time. It was comforting to come here and find that I wasn't the only one ever to be blindsided (even though it seems that way sometimes), and hopefully you'll take comfort in that too. I assure you the pain will fade to a manageable level. Take comfort in the fact that it's better to break up with a boyfriend than a husband. A friend of mine told me that anything that makes you more discriminating and careful in the choices you make for, ultimately, your permanent relationship can only benefit you.

As for mistakes, it's good that you recognize your mistakes. And hopefully you'll learn from them without letting the guilt weigh down your future relationships. Your words "asked him for a second chance" hit a sore spot with me. Did you stop to think, why am I asking him for another chance when I did nothing wrong? When I confessed I felt as if the break up were because I was a bad girlfriend to my friend, she told me that "He was your world. How can you be a bad girlfriend? You gave the relationship your all. That is much more than any guy expects". It's a mantra I repeat to myself every day when I doubt capacity to love and be a good partner.

And you'll look back and realize your relationship wasn't picture perfect and that there were things you'd glossed over in your euphoric state. You might have let your life revolve around him, and perhaps that's why your friends are so far away. Perhaps you need to reach out to your friends instead of expecting them to ride to your rescue. Best put as, your friends won't let you fall, but they can't pull you up either, you have to do that yourself.

And you know, one day, be it in 1 year, 20 years, or 50 years, you'll look back and realize that he was not the best nor the last love that you'll ever have, but only a stepping stone for a deeper more profound love with someone else.

And on a more practical note, Initiate NO CONTACT right now if you haven't already. 100 more messages on his answering machine aren't going to change his mind no matter how many times you say you love him. When I felt like I was about to break apart from grief, I put on my sweats and ran until my lungs wanted to explode. I must have ran around the block 8-9 times a day for a week in an effort to not go crazy after my break up.

cheers. we're all rooting for you.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: jes518
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:34am
unbelivable. same EXACT story for me...the breakup. the friends..everything. i just posted something this morning...i believe it was titled PLEASE HELP NEED HELP/ADVICE...its so similar to your situation. this just SUCKS doesnt it? dont know how else to describe it. id love to talk to someone else going through the same thing. maybe itll help us both? who knows.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: jes518
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 2:34am
When did this happen? i sooooo feel ya! my boyfriend and i just split too. he says that he needs time. you can read my post for the shortened story. if you ever want to chit chat, i am here and i can totally sympathize with you! i feel the exact same way. as the old saying goes...if you let true love go and it comes back to you, it was true to begin with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
In reply to: jes518
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:37pm
These stories all sound so similar to mine. I recently posted something...
I can't believe my bf and I are not together anymore...and we work together! And...I found out he's seeing someone else! It's making me SICK! I can't function at work, I can't eat, and all I do is cry and picture him with the other woman. Disgusting! I don't know how to stop thinking about it and I keep wondering why he doesn't want to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else! We spent two years together and I thought we'd get married. At least it makes me feel good that I am not the only one going through this. I wish I had a bunch of girlfriends to go out with every weekend, but all my friends are scattered all over the place...so I don't really have any good friends locally to come and rescue me! It just sucks. My ex is out every weekend with the guys...and now I'm afraid he'll be out with the new girl, too. I feel like I will never get over this...but hopefully we will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: jes518
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:10pm

Hopeful1111,


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