blood work and more...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
blood work and more...
3
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 10:54pm

negative!!!! Thanks to all of you who advised me to get the STD testing. I am so glad I ruled that out! It's hard enough that I am dealing with the possible dissolution of my marriage to have to worry about a sexually transmitted disease. Thanks again!


For those of you who are following my saga... I haven't decided yet what I am going to do. Many people advised me to stay others to run the opposite way. I am not too hopeful but I think the marriage deserves a chance; however' I have to see what the risks are and the payoffs.....I am scared and demoralized. That's why this decision is so hard for me. On one hand, I don't want to be my mother and take everything that comes my way and be the eternal submissive wife, but on the other hand; we had a great marriage for many years....


Yes, there was an affair (or two) , yes we have been separated for 3 years, yes, he says he loves someone else.. BUT... he's also willing to cut ties (try to anyway) with her and give our marriage a try. He says that, it will be difficult, but that because of DS, he is willing to give it a try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 1:11pm
Congrats on the Negative Results!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 1:18pm

i don't know your original posts, but i'm happy you do not have STDs. That would've been horrible. Congratulations.


Sorry for passing judgement here, but you've been separated for three years and the hubby is dating while you guys are separated... with the woman he cheated on you for?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 12:00am

Hi Marta,

Oh-so hard,. Many many hugs, dear. I re-read your posts to refresh my memory on the details, and unfortunately I have to say I think you're deluding yourself about your husband wanting to try again.

This is only my personal opinion: I don't believe he truly wants to try, I don't believe he's doing this because he loves you or even because of your child together, I believe he's going this for the very selfish reason of making himself look good to society, so he can say, "Well, I tried." His words belie his real underlying motivation. All else is lip service.

There wasn't just one affair, or two, this is a habit he's become accustomed to based on the fact there have been zero consequences. When he let the slack go when things got too rough, you picked up that slack and he did whatever he wanted. Each time killed more of the respect that's necessary to even just be married, let alone have a good marriage. He's been doing this to you since before you were married, since you were living together, and he doesn't just "hook up" like you're diminishing it, hoping to make it less important by calling it that, he's developed full-blown relationships with other women, better than the one he's developed with you, while you wait and sit back. I don't understand why. I mean, I do, but still, it's so very demoralizing to see yet another woman value her own worth so very little she's willing to eat the scraps off another woman's table. What's even worse is that you are the other woman, and not her.

If you were to ask him and he answered with his head, you'd be the primary relationship, of course, but if you were to ask his heart, it's her. No amount of "trying," especially this half-assed, directionless, unmotivated, no counseling involved farce of an attempt at reconciliation on his part is going to change that.

I have a question for you. You said in one of your posts:
....."I have pretty much waited for him for 2.5 years and have taken the role of the needy, victimized wife who can't move on. This is hardly who I am but I have realized that I have used that to keep him around and prevent him from being out in the open (because he clearly has moved on...).".....

So, if the needy, victimized wife is NOT who you are, then who are you? Because we are what we do, not what we say. So if your goal is to not be the victim here, to not be needy, then you really need to start acting like it. Then you'll start to believe it, and only then will you actually 'be' it.

I wholeheartedly believe in trying to save a marriage, but first there must be a marriage and it must be worth saving. Is yours a marriage? Is yours worth saving? And lastly, do you want your son to grow up to be just like Daddy?

Now, if you take all that in and still want to try, really, more power to you and I wish you all the best with that, but the chances of you being successful while refusing help or guidance, well, that's just ensuring you fail before you even get started. Think about it, kind of hard to have marriage counseling with just one of you there, isn't it. Your marriage has been that same way, how's that worked out so far? Him 'leaving' the girlfriend and being "there" physically, doesn't mean he will be there mentally or emotionally.

Good luck on your decision,

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