Book 2 get Ex Back & No Contact...
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| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:55pm |
Hi Everyone,
Ok, my update. Today is day 25 or so of NO CONTACT. I still love him, still miss him! I got the internet book "How to get your ex back" by Brian C. I read it and mulling over the idea of attempting the technique! PLEASE, someone tell me about any experience with this.
So, I have to have No Contact for 1 month while I excercise daily, go on 3 dates, and read another book, and just start to feel good & find MYSELF! Then as the book says, at the end of the month(or longer if I choose) I can make contact. Happy, lighthearted convo - no insecurities or discussions of our relationship- why it failed or try to get back together. This is all about NEW BEGINNINGS, Fresh Starts & restablishing ATTRACTION. Then over the phone you ask him out on this "date" ...not a real date but Coffee & Catching up. Keeping it short, meeting & follow the guidelines of light fun happy stuff! Now, I guess the concept is, if he says NO to meeting or if things don't go the way it is suppose to, I will have worked on myself enough to truly move on and never think of getting back with him again. If it goes well, I have made good feelings within him again, possibly established attraction again & he will think positive towards me now. Maybe I will have achieved turning around the negative feelings left from our prior history. Then wait awhile and do the same again...see what happens?
I am meeting people now....starting to try to move forward but everyday is still a day I think of him? I wonder what his life is bringing him etc. If he is happy or if he thinks of me now & then? I wonder if he is with someone else like I suspected (but I won't ask!)I hope with meeting these men & going on the dates - it might make me stronger and maybe I'll choose NOT to go ahead with this plan? However, I know deep down I can't stop wondering about him, thinking of him, and LOVING HIM! I do miss him terribly! I really feel the void of him in my life. Maybe if we do meet & I go through with it....we can be friends? I don't know if that will do but at least I get my answers on how I really feel!
These are my thoughts, possibly I made some progress in the healing process~I'm not sure? Anyone have an experience with this book & its techniques? I'd love to know what happened?
Thanks, Sweetie

I haven't had any experience with this book but my question is...why did you guys break up? is it really something that you would like to go back to, because in all honesty, the first couple "dates" might be great but what happens when all the ugly emotions from the past rear back up? you might have to go through this all over again. I'm actually only on day two of no contact...never ever has happened before and he is in vegas and i'm driving myself nuts because I know that he is having fun and whatnot and will probably get the urge to call me when he gets back. but i can't answer. for the simple fact that I know in my heart, no matter how much time passes, every time i look at him i am going to be reminded of the pain i felt with him. not necessarily because of him, but the pain of being with him. Do you really think that if you use these techniques, those feelings are never going to resurface? I would love to talk to my ex, i know in a month i would love to talk to him. but you can't forget the past. you can only determine your future.
not sure if this helps but believe me, someone who held on for literally two years, you really shouldn't look back to be held down.
HUGS!
Thanks for your response...
if you look back over my history (search for posts by me) you'd see what happened - long story but....we had a year long relationship & we had no problems! No Fights, no abusive things...got along great. He didn't fall in love with me, we had many great things between us but he didn't feel the chemistry enough I guess? We did the back & forth - push pull stuff for 4-6 weeks, and it was tough! It wound up with us breaking up, hurtful things happened between us in those 4-6 weeks! Although the ONE THING that bothers me is while he was figuring out his feelings for me, he slept with another woman! THAT is the one thing I might not be able to keep in the past. I don't know if he is with her now but I suspected he was looking for greener grass?? I am not sure- he is the only one who holds the answers? Seems he felt we had it all but he wasn't sure about LOVE though he knew he had strong feelings for me....and now this whole not enough chemistry thing - whatever that means> I just think after he had some new hot lusty thing it made our regular physical comfy stuff seem less hot? I'm not sure! Do I think he could find the attraction again or that all the negative things I said will be forgotten for him when I see him- I don't know? I know I love him & what we had was GREAT...then one day...we fell down?? It was like a SHOCK to me? Feelings came up & then we fell apart! He said he was scared & didn't even know what love was anymore....but he knew he had feelings for me, didn't want to lose me but it was unfair to me??? WHO knows what this time apart has been like for him - if he misses me too? I know one thing....when I was out of contact with him for a couple weeks before, then I called to get my things...and he was very happy I called and said he wanted to call to check in on me but didn't know if he should cuz I told him back then I needed time. We'll see if I call in another week or 2 and what happens?
Can't lose anymore than I already have - I won't expect miracles!
Thanks Sweetie
Hi Sweetie -
I bought this book and love love love it! I am currently almost hitting the 30 day mark, like you.
The "easy" parts were (ironically) doing no contact (b/c as his first lesson says, this is JUST NOT AN OPTION) and going on the dates (one person I did not like, then I had 2 with a person I really like but I'm not sure about his feelings for me). The hard parts were staying positive/not letting self feel sad - those parts are a real struggle for me. I still cry every day and my heart hurts literally.
About 2 weeks into the plan my ex contacted me, left me a message saying "i love you" It might have been a drunk dial since it was late so it might not mean anything. Overall, I was unsure how to handle it, did NOT respond, and have not heard from him since.
Since my breakup involved a lot of pushing/pulling (which I believe is a Mars/Venus concept) I believe I may wait longer than the 30 days to make contact, as he advises. Plus I think 30 is not enough for me (want to get in even better shape!) I am still so devastated about the breakup and would do anything to get him back, however doesn't having almost hit the 30 days feel like an accomplishment?
Enough about me though! As for you, how are you doing on it? That is great you are almost on the 30 day mark - DONT FALTER! I am here supporting you and cheering you on!! Have you gone on the 3 dates etc. My feelings are that you/we MUST follow the plan to the tee - and if you are like me (aka there are certain steps you could improve upon) maybe consider going longer until you can say you have done every lesson 100% or close.
Good luck, email me if you want!
Waterworks
Hi,
This book is nonsense and the whole idea is setting up a reunion fantasy instead of focusing on your own inner healing.
This is setting yourself up for heartbreak. You cannot be serious that you really want to go on 3 dates this month. This strategy is like a prisoner crossing off dates on a calender until their release...except in this case, it's a ticket to another prison sentence.
If you call for coffee...what ru expecting? If he says "no" you'll be shattered. If he says "yes" you're clinging to false hope.
Don't do this. This whole book sounds like it's written by someone who's never been with a conflicted partner or someone who has a lot of issues.
In the movies this might work, but in real life it's a recipe for disaster.
I find it hard enough going to my dance club and seeing my ex gf and she's coming alone. I'm sure she'd dance with me....if I asked her enough times...or maybe she wouldn't and I'd be humiliated.
Please read some better literature on finding inner peace.
I've written this before and I"m going to say it again. I get a little frustrated at reading posts by people scheming to get their ex's back. Why can't we all just see our ex's for what they are...ex's who have moved on without us. Why are we constantly trying to win back these people who caused us so much pain? If he wanted to be with you, he would be, that's the sad reality.
If my ex really wanted to be with me, she'd be making more of an effort than sending "friendly" reminders of upcoming events we once shared "Guess you might be interested". Cruel cruel cruel.
I know some people would read this and say "Wow, I wish MY EX would do that." Believe me, you DONT. It's painful.
NO CONTACT means....NO CONTACT. Get focused on something positive rather than some program that is setting yourself up for false hopes that will set your recovery back.
Sorry to be so harsh, but after having been through what I'm now going through, it's not pleasant.
I just have to post one thing in response to the previous post.
I can completely see how this book might be setting up a "reunion fantasy" - but lets be honest here, who doesnt have that hope right after someone dumps you? Anyone? I would say um...1 out of 100 maybe.
That being said, the book acknowledges there are no guarantees, and even says if you hit X, Y, points - its time to stop completely hoping. It also has a lot of self-help/healing tips, so that even if you don't get your ex back, you are in a better position (new hobbies, exercising etc).
If nothing else the book motivated me to begin no contact (HUGE STEP).
And I know that my reunion hopes may be "false" - but I know that RIGHT NOW, not even a month out, Id have them regardless.
So I think the constructive criticism of this book is insightful and has good points, however I disagree that the book is worthless.
Here's links to her previous posts:
New Years Break Up 1 yr aniv. today
Break up-hope with counseling?
Broke Up seeing him Friday??
Finally, REALLY Over. No Chemistry?
Struggling Day to Day..ugh!
PMS, Depressed didn't send a letter!
I think a book or program of steps that puts the reader in a better mindset than being angry, bitter, resentful, depressed, blaming, pointing fingers, diminishes or even eliminates confusion, etc., etc., etc., is a good one in my opinion.
Hi & thanks for responding EVERYONE - (Both good & Bad)
Here's where I am at. OK, I agree with one post - if he never said he loved me, why bother? I guess I think he & I had everything great & got stuck on the love - yes he could've been lying about lots of things (only he knows the truth) I know he more than LIKED me & cared a lot for me ( he told me these things), and had many great things together- BUT, he got scared, confused & STUCK. I have NO clue. I COULD be setting myself up for disaster HOWEVER, I do feel in some ways I'm making the steps (yes I knew I had to make them) but the book made that PUSH-it gave me something? It does say NO GUARANTEES but at the very least when all is said & done, I will have met people, dated & started the process of moving on....if he says NO to a meeting...well, if that happens I won't try to be a "convincer" (learned that from Christian Carter) I will say "OK". I think I want a friendship even if we never got romanically involved again someday, maybe I don't..I guess I needed to check myself & see HOW I do feel? We all live by a certain fantasy don't we? We fantasize about meeting our dreamboat, about losing weight & fitting into that outfit, about many different things, and at some point we MAKE IT to the fantasy or don't?
My previous posts describing our relationship & situations were BRUTAL! I will admit that I sometimes ask myself WHY I want him still too? I know its because my heart was in it unconditionally 100%. I am proud I made it to this point at least today with NO CONTACT and maybe my goal is when I get to the 30th day - Maybe I won't make that call? I have no idea it is certainly DAY by DAY, Minute to minute, hour to hour for me. I have ups & Downs & I don't know where I am at?He is the first thing I think of every morning, and the last thing at night - that is still ddifficult!!!
I am meeting a new man tonight for a drink - a lawyer. Tomorrow night I am meeting another man who says "I'm gonna sweep you off your feet". I have also seen an old flame of mine once. That would be 3 dates?? Maybe my "meeting" I MIGHT have with him would give me a different view of him, maybe I won't care or want him anymore? Maybe I wills ee him differently? Maybe I need him to see me NOT being "that girl" who feel apart in front of him, Maybe I want him to see that strong, sexy woman I was when he met me....than maybe i can leave that meeting feeling like....I got my MOJO back and I don't feel down on myself anymore? Maybe THAT is Closure for me? I can hear people saying "what do you CARE what he thinks"? I don't understand it either?
I guess, I'm not sure what I will do...I would say ANYTHING I plan is better than the state of mind I was in a few weeks & months back. I'm healing ...and NO, I don't want to set myself back! I do want to stay on the level - I don't know why or what I am doing....but I know one thing...I love him still, miss him still, and it is DAMN HARD to be rejected (as most of you know) especially in the ways I was. I know I don't need to prove a damn thing to him, but maybe I do to myself? Maybe I want him to see me "all better" and stronger, and as an attractive woman who he let go, and maybe in some ways I want him to question that whether I ever got back with him or not? Maybe I feel I can move forward if he sees "Me" again, who I REALLY am & the woman I WAS and STILL AM, that got LOST along the way. I was embarrassed by some things that happened between us & in front of him, and need to get myself back from feeling that way. Who knows, Maybe my dates will go GREAT & I will feel different? Maybe I will get more self confidence?
This is just my thinking. I could be all wrong but, its a Process. I apprecaite ALL comments both good & bad, words can wake you up! Like "If he didnt love me or want me, why bother"...Beieve me, I think that too sometimes! I need to "get there"..guess I'm JUST not yet??
Thanks for all the support, this board is great even when other make us open our eyes!!
~ Sweetie (the girl who must be nuts...lol)