Booty Call With the Ex-Advise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Booty Call With the Ex-Advise?
1
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 7:30am

We've been broke up for 6 weeks. I fell in love with him at the beginning, but he never loved me. He always was straight up about it, and just wanted to have fun. Our relationship's only "real thing" was the sex. Even now we both agree, that no one before or after will share the explosive sexual chemistry that we had (have). We were into porn (starring in it), exhibitionisim, swingers clubs, and other couples joining us (most of it was a good time, but there were problems sometimes, because I was in love & he wasn't).

I was also the "rebound" girl. He tells me he will always remember that time of living the wild life, and he will always remember and appreciate that I got him over his ex-wife. He has no ill feelings towards me. Our relationship ended when he found a "nice girl" that "was his type" (he always said I wasn't his type). He says he is falling in love with her, and is "loyal to her" (his words).

In the past 6 weeks, I've been through all the painful emotions and asked those questions that have no answers: "Why couldn't he love me?", "What is wrong with me?", "What did I do wrong?". I went on to the anger and blame phase: I told him he used me, and was inconsiderate to me, didn't care what he did, even though it hurt me, that he threw me away like trash...I even wished him & her to die in a car accident (I told him that, too). I was getting over him....pretty much like all the rest of you=good moments, bad moments, breaking the N.C. rule (a lot). But the end of our relationship was inevitable, and no one is to blame, and no one was really rotten to no one....it just was the way it was. I fell in love, and hoped, with all the time he spent with me, his feelings would change. But he was always on the look out for a girl "who was his type", and he just never could feel that way about me. It is just soooo bad for me, and only me, because I was the only one who got hurt...and it is not fair....but life is not fair. I am bitter, angry, and hurt....now....mainly because I got the shi#*y end of the deal, and I always ask "Why?" and there is no answer...it just is.

When I broke the N.C. this latest time, I sent him a sarchastic e-mail, with the lyrics to "Never Again" (I posted them on this site awhile back). He responded equally sarchastic, like he couldn't understand why I was so nasty to him. Well, I sent him an e-card: Thinking of You, and explained to him that it makes me feel better to be mean to him, but I know that one day I'll be able to remember the good stuff without it hurting. He e-mailed me back, saying "thank you", and he will always remember me fondly, ect. Well, that caused a whole other kind of pain and tears-which doesn't hurt the same, but hurts just as much-DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I MEAN??? Well, somehow, (because we were talking about how great the sex between us had always been), I ended up in his bed. And during that physical bliss, I felt really good...and I don't regret it. I know that it will set me back in the "getting over him" process, but DAMN, this healing process has been one pain & sadness after another...and I got a break from that...even if just for a couple hours.

I'm confused about the way I'm feeling. I can't really explain it. "Bitter sweet" is close. HELP....ADVISE....DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THIS IS? I need some input, please.

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:10pm

The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have - Kierkegaard


Everything you feel is normal BUT you are NOT LESS THAN due to his actions, decisions, choices or behavior.


Sorry you are going through this.




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