A bottle of emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
A bottle of emotions
4
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:14pm

Hi,

I broke up with my first love a while ago, (and first sexual partner)... we were college sweethearts,and have been together or 13 years... we have two beautiful children 8 and 4, and now everything is gone! Well let me take you back...

A few years ago we started talking about marriage, and even open up a joint checking account to start saving for a new home (see we have live in separate states for about 5 years now). We were on the right track... then last year I noticed that sex was becoming nonexistent... if I didn't strongly urge him; we wouldn't have any for months, and I do have a healthy sexual appetite. We had a pretty open relationship (or so I thought), and asked him if he was seeing anyone? He said no. Then on New Year’s Day, I took him out to a romantic spot, with dinner and a private room with a Jacuzzi bathtub, to rekindle our love and start to make our wedding plans... After 13 years, I thought it was time.

But to my surprise, we ended it that night. He still came back every month to see the kids and stayed at my house, but slept in the kid’s room. I thought I needed more space, so I asked him to stay at his mom's house, so we both could move on... that situation just made me look like the bad guy to the kids, and with no support from him. So he came back to my house. Then a few months ago I asked him why the break up? And he never game me an answer... he mumbled something how the kids made it more complicated... so that pissed me off... and threw him out.

But I wasn't so heartless... because I let him come back to spend thanksgiving and Christmas with us. But on Christmas Eve, he was yelling at our oldest, and I interjected and told him to leave her alone to calm down, and talk to her later…he told me that this was none of my business, and at first I said nothing, then I told him to leave her alone and when he replied that it was none of my business again, I said yes it is… she is also my child… this made him VERY ANGRY, and he left. He didn't even call the kids the next day to wish them a Merry Christmas, and when he came to pick up his grandmother (she spent the night at my house), he didn't even come inside to say anything to the kids... and when he waited too long, he called his mom to call me to tell me that he was waiting outside.

You see I have also had problems with him, because when he comes home all he does is sleep, eat and watch TV. He doesn't really help with the kids, and God forbid getting up and helping me get them ready for school in the mornings!

But I still love this degenerate... and I just found out that he has taken out his half of the money in our joint savings account, after he told me that he still wanted the account.

i know these are clear signs to move on.. but how can i get over someone who i have been in love with for all of my adult life?

I am going through a wave of emotions... and need some HONEST advice. Please HELP!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:11pm

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, especially this time of year.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself would be to find a good counselor so you can work through this difficult situation with a good support system in addition to family and friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 7:31pm

"But I still love this degenerate."

Wow, I bet there are a lot of us feeling that right now!!!

You asked for honest advice. I think that him staying with you is confusing things. Can he stay in a hotel or with his family, or can he take the kids for some holidays or weekends? It would also give you a chance to have time to yourself and let him get them up and dressed, etc. You are kind to let him stay there for holidays, but it shouldn't be to your detriment. I know you are worried about the kids, but if being under the same roof is causing problems, then I think he should not stay there anymore. I am sorry you had a lousy Christmas. I guess there were a lot of us who had bad Christmases. (My fiance broke up with me over dessert on Christmas.) I would also ask him to go to the bank with you and close out the account or take his name off of it.

I think that in order to emotionally separate yourself from him, you will need to physically separate yourself from him. I know it will be a tough journey. You are strong and can do it! Take it day by day -- that's all any of us can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:00pm

Everything you feel is normal. It's very hard to deal with our emotions, the heart-break, the kids and planning for the furture add that to being unsure of what comes next...

My suggestions are: 1) open your own account and close the joint account, before he takes the rest, 2) talk to an attorney to find out what your rights are and start the process for shared custody, and 3) consider counseling for yourself to help you through the jumbled emotions.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 7:27am

You need to set boundaries and limits with him. Stop letting him stay at your house. Decisions we make do not have to have the approval of our children. Let the children be whatever they are going to be. The best lesson you can teach them is to stand up for themselves and you do that by standing up for yourself. Visitation is not a group decision. It is a decision you make to allow you and the children to be SAFE. You need to stop this "him staying at the house." It's crazy.

It doesn't matter if you love him or not. It matters how you act. You need to set boundaries with him and enforce them. You cannot continue to let him walk all over you and take advantage of the situation.

Stop letting him stay. Get your own bank account. File for support and visitation orders (that DO NOT involve him staying at your house).

Get a GOOD therapist and use the therapist to find out why you still love him. He's a loser and a jerk and what is it, in you, that is attracted to that? Find out through therapy so you can heal it and move on to healthier and happier. There are incredibly great men out there but in order to find the right person, you have to BE the right person.

You can do this. One step at a time.

Susan




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