boyfriend & bestfriend... so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
boyfriend & bestfriend... so confused
10
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 9:36pm

my boyfriend has been my bestfriend for about 10 years, since we were 17. we have been dating and living together for about 3 years. right now i think the best thing for me is to break up. but when i think of breaking up i think about losing my bestfriend and our past and all the things we've gone through and shared together. i honestly can not even imagine not seeing him or talking to him ever again.

here's why i think we may need to break up:
1)lately we have treated each other like best friends or roommates.
2)i think he is bipolar or has anger management issues. when we fight he purposely says things to me that will hurt me. he has told me himself that his goal is to make me cry and hurt my feelings when i make him mad. then the next day he apologizes for what he says. he knows that he has anger problems too. its like he goes from normal to really pissed off and yelling in about 20 seconds. sometimes it can get scary although he has never laid a hand on me.
3)he acts like he is a 12 year old stuck in a man's body.
4)since we have been best friends for so long, he knows my whole past he likes to bring up stupid things i did when we were young.
5)not sure if he wants to marry me because of our rocky relationship and because i dated his friend for a month when we were 21.

but there are also so many great things about him. he makes me laugh and truly is a good person. i just think that he may need some psychiatric help. and when i tell him that, he just gets mad.

PLEASE HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:54am

Welcome to the board marcie1617,


What you describe, in my opinion, isn't bi-polar, it's plain old immaturity along with anger issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 6:15pm


Hello Marcie!
When I read the subject in your message I related to it.

1. My former boyfriend and I have known each other since we were 17, ten years have passed by since then and I can say he is my best friend as well. He is in some way the witness of my life, someone that can tell a lot about me.

2. I also dated two of his close friends when I was in my early 20's, and actually, one of these guys was my first boyfriend ever. ; )

3. Sometimes, he also behaves like a 12 year old (well let's say 15)... from time to time he, just like anybody else, snaps and he gets angry. Once I suggested some kind of therapy because his problems were beyond my reach.

Now, I can tell you the parts were I don't relate to your story:

1. He has never used the things he knows about me to hurt me or undermine my self-esteem.

2. We both dearly regard my two exboyfriends (his two friends) as a part of my past that contributed to my personal growth. We are so thankful because they are great guys and they treated me well.

3. I cannot help him to solve some of his problems an I have suggested him to get an outsider perspective.
I hardly would suggest psychiatric help to anyone because I am neither a doctor nor a psychologist. These statements are strong and one has to be careful when making them.

Girl, sometimes, couples need to take time out and get some perspective on things. If you separate, the fact that he is not in your present does not mean that he wont be in your future.
No matter what happens to you as a couple, the fact that you two have been such good friends for so many years will be there forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 12:44am
Thank you so much for this reply even though I'm a little late in saying it. As some of the others have read we have broken up now. Its weird how at the time I wrote this post in Nov, I was thinking that breaking up was the best thing for us. But now that it has happened I'm so upset by it and want him back. Funny how these things work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 1:06am
They always work this way. I want my boyfriend back so badly I can't stand it, and yet I know that we're not meant to be together so I am resisting. Never has my mind been so strong over my heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 1:13am
my head is catching up with my heart too. i think with the help of friends and family i'm very slowly but surely seeing that maybe, just maybe staying broken up is the best. there is still a huge push from my heart wanting him to be back with me. if anything i'm resisting from calling him, texting or emailing him. now i just need to work on staying off his myspace page to see if he's changed his status or taken me off as his friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 3:35pm

ok so i'm not completely crazy for checking his myspace every second to see if his status changed and pics/comments of me are deleted and if i'm still in his top 8 friends (I'm second)


breaking up is hard to do no doubt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 8:46pm
i dont think you're crazy for doing that. maybe because i have been too ?? :) i think the only reason i keep looking is because i'm conditioned to. he's left me about 5 times already and come back each time. and each time he never changed anything on his myspace page, so i guess by seeing he hasnt now, i feel there is a chance that this is just the same ol' thing going on and he'll be back. aye aye aye.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2007
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 1:44am
Why do you want to keep hanging on for the same old thing? If someone has left you FIVE times, he's going to keep leaving you. Marcie, you deserve so much more than that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 7:51am

I've been up for hours, mainly because me and my beau just broke up yesterday; I can't sleep. It was a relationship of turbulence...'tis the best way to put it. My mother can't stand the guy, and I overheard her one time complaining to herself about him, and then about me. I've been very sad about the whole thing, so I know how it is.

My now ex has told me many times that I was his best friend--not just his lover/GF. Yet, the old saying goes, "We seem to hurt the ones we love the most." It tends to happen that way because we ride on emotions, and if you're nuts about someone, you're VERY sensitive to anything and everything they do!

Both he and I are very emotional people, so you can only imagine the arguments! There is no black or white, right or wrong about life; if there were, life would be easy to navigate. Emotions are a part of life, and also naturally a part of our decision-making.

I anticipate he will be back in my life one day, but there is a small part of my brain and heart that is telling me it might NOT happen, as well as it MIGHT be better for me to not have him in my life, because our good and bad points are mirror images.

He told me one time that he had a dream he was sobbing about something I did to hurt him. Well, I was always the epitome of a good GF to him, up until recently, when I was so sick and tired of not getting back from him the respect I was giving, so I did disrespect him one time, and it hurt him really bad. Sure enough, he was crying, just like his dream foretold.

He then told me, after we hashed it out a week later, that he had another horrible dream about me. He refused to tell me what it was, but now we are broken up, and I wonder if the dream was of me maybe moving on with my life with another man one day...Hmmm...

Anyway, just venting back to ya, because I feel your pain and confusion. He told me the one time we had a tiny "breakup" that he felt like he was losing his best friend and couldn't imagine life without me. Needless to say, I feel the same way, so I know how hard these things are.

Oh, and as for the psychiatric help, many people need it, and a lot of people are indeed bipolar and just don't know it. Coincidentally, my now ex is bipolar and takes medication for it. He would have his "hi's and low's" and moments where he'd be calm, but then escalate, like a boulder quickly building up speed down a hill. Better not get in the way of the boulder, either, cuz my now ex would just fly right through you!

I don't think there is anything wrong with suggesting to someone that might need help, but it's how it's delivered to someone. If someone says, "MAN, YOU NEED A PSYCHIATRIST; YOU'RE F***ED UP!" Well, then that just sounds like mud-slinging and below-the-belt punches. But if you truly sit down with someone you love and care for, and talk to them in a supportive manner about it, I see nothing wrong with that...After all, someone has to tell a person they might need help; often times a sick person isn't aware just how sick they are.

I am sure your beau gets angry not only because he might indeed BE mentally ill to some degree, but also because it hurts his ego to hear that. Most men don't want to hear that they might need someone's help; it makes them seem inferior or broken or less of a man. I'm lucky that at least my now ex had the self-awareness to get himself help and medication.

You don't have to be a professional to suggest to someone that counseling or medication might help them; it is a hypothesis, not a diagnosis. There's a difference, and suggesting it might save their life.

I'll write more later when I am not so tired!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 6:04pm

my ex and i broke up 5 or more times...in a way that wasn't really breaking up at all, lol.