Boyfriend ended relationship - HURTING

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Boyfriend ended relationship - HURTING
2
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:40pm
Hi Everyone,

I could really use some advice from others now. I am so sick of crying!! I had been dating the same man for 9 months. In May after only 6 months he professed to have fallen for me deeply and brought up building a life together and where we would live, etc. It was a little bit much for me since I have children and have not been divorced that long. He was my second significant relationship after the divorce. I told him that I was scared and needed more time. I was not madly in love but very madly in like and since my divorce was after 18 years of marriage, NERVOUS. I just wasn't there yet. I wanted to continue though and told him so. I told him I had some intimacy issues and that I needed time to work through some of my concerns. It was hard for me to open up and share because his track record was REALLY bad and I was scared of being hurt. Well guess what!! He broke up with me last weekend and literally ORDERED me out of his apartment at 1:30 in the morning when I was supposed to be spending the night with him after we had a 2 hour "discussion" where he told me it was not working for him and he had to be mindful of his own needs now. He never even checked to see if I made it home without driving into a tree. Since then he wrote me one e-mail where he just again restated his position. He has not called or spoken to me at all although I have seen him once. I am having a really hard time because I truly bared my soul to him and he just ripped me apart with his words and most of all his actions. How do I deal with this? Did I do something wrong? Why is he acting so cold and aloof? Did he ever really love me? Was I a fool?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:39pm
Hi Free,

Let me first say that my heart really goes out to you. I feel your pain and understand some of what you're going through.

There are two things in your post that popped out at me immediately. The first was when you wrote that he professed to have fallen deeply for you after only six months and was talking marriage. The second was when you wrote that he has a really bad track record.

Although you don't go into any detail about his bad track record, I honestly think you are better off without him. Why? Because Free, the man sounds like a cold-hearted, selfish, arrogant and abusive control freak. It seems to me like he changed his tune and became verbally and emotionally abusive toward you the minute you threw up a "road block" to his tentative plans to marry you. He sounds very much like an abuser and if this is truly the case, then you have been SPARED of having to go through a far worse pain that I'm sure would've been awaiting you at some point in the future. Think about it -- if he ripped you apart with his words and most of his actions just because you opened up and told him you were scared and needed time, what else would he have had in store for you had you eventually married him? I shudder to think about it.

How to deal? Stay away from him and allow absolutely no future contact. Take time to think about what you want in a man and how you want to be treated. Learn all the lessons you're supposed to from this situation so that history doesn't repeat itself.

Did you do something wrong? No. But I would be very slow to get back into the dating scene again if I were you.

As to why he's acting so cold and aloof? Because he's being himself, esp. now that the "bloom is off the rose." He's broken up with you so I'm sure he believes he can show you his true colors and no longer feels the need to hide himself. I don't believe he ever really loved you. Abusers don't know what it is to love another person. All they know is dominance and control.

No, you weren't a fool. Just a woman who desires to love and be loved -- the same as all of us who post on this and other boards.

Take good care of yourself and your children. BE STRONG!

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:23pm
No, you did nothing wrong. No, you are not a fool. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know you are in a daze right now and feeling numb. When I went through my break-up, I felt the same way. I also blamed myself--but please know this: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

One of the things that helped me was sharing (as you are doing), venting and using some of the resources I found at MarsVenus.com for Starting Over. One thing they recommend is writing a "Feeling Letter" to express and clarify your emotions. In it you write about your fear, anger, sadness and love. Then you write a response letter in which you write down the response you would like to get. Finally, an acceptance letter so that you may feel a release and begin to heal.

One of the things that delayed my healing process was not get angry with my ex. At MarsVenus.com they call anger a "healing emotion"--which was a surprise to me since I always thought anger was a negative emotion. But by not getting angry with my ex (probably since I was holding out hope that he would change and change his mind), I didn't heal and move on the way I should have. I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend. Maybe he got scared, maybe he'll get over it. But what you need to worry about now is YOU. Please take care of yourself and know there are people who care about you.