Boyfriend left me - devastated need help
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| Tue, 07-26-2005 - 3:30pm |
Hi everyone,
My story is long, but i'll try my best to shorten it. I met scott in december. We fell in love extremely quickly. It seemed we had everything in common. We got along so well, always had a great time together, etc. Well, about 4 months into the relationship, he emails me at work asking if we could meet for lunch and saying we had to talk. I was worried thinking "oh no, sounds like a breakup talk"... It turns out that he confessed to me that he was addicted to painkillers and had been for the past 2 years. He said he wanted to be honest with me because he loved me and could see a future for us. He was going to the dr. in a few days to go on a pill called suboxone to get him off the pills. At the same time, I was having a problem with my own medicine. I take seizure medicine and I had to increase my dose which made me gain about 6 lbs (this looks like alot on me because I am only 5ft tall). Well, right away scott started acting differently. He told me I looked different. I did. I began working out. I lost most of the weight, but between that and him being on medicine and sick all the time, lets just say our sex life went down the toilet. We havent had sex in over 3 months. He became not affectionate at all. Then one day he says to me "can we just be friends and hang out like we've been, just without the title? The title puts pressure on me, I know i'm not a very good boyfriend in every way right now" (he meant the sex thing)... Anyway, I didn't help matters. He said he loved me and just needed to concentrate on getting well so he could be a better boyfriend. I didnt help because EVERY WEEKEND I bothered him about this. The "no title" thing bothered me. Long story short, our whole relationship has suffered and gone totally downhill. I dont know what to do anymore. Last night we had an argument and he told me I changed and we're just too different and that maybe we just shouldn't talk anymore. I just dont understand. We were so on the same page and right for each other in the beginning, then all of a sudden he gets clean and doesn't want me anymore. I dont know what to do and last night I made a fool out of myself basically begging him not to leave. He said he wants someone to earn his love not beg for it. I made myself look like an ass. I feel so ashamed and horrible about everything that's happened. How could something that started out so wonderful go so wrong?

What you will need to do is be supportive and give him the time he needs. Men do not like to be smothered. I am not saying you did anything wrong.
Sometimes when people are codependent on a drug or alcohol, they are in another world. When they stop doing those things, they may see the world in a different light than before.
Perhaps that is what he is doing. He stopped or is stopping his addiction. His life is changing, with or without you.
Take some time to yourself to think about this and calm down. You need to have some 'you' time as well. Give him some time and be gentle and calm with him. Try not to have an arugument, and if one starts to boil up, take a few breaths or get off the phone. Arguing right now will just push him away further.
It may be best to tell him you will support him in any way you can, and you will help him through anything. If he needs time alone, give it to him.
He is saying you changed, but in all reality, it is him that really changed. He may not see you in the same 'light' any more. Don't let this discourage you.
It's not all your fault. He had an addiction and it hurt him and you in the process. He may not be the same person anymore after stopping the addiction. If you truly love him, you will try to be more understanding. If he starts to argue, tell him you don't want to. Tell him that you do love him and you give him what he needs, even if it means time.
Of course if a man comes to us begging to take him back, we'd probably jump on it in a heartbeat. Men are different though. Some men get angered by that. I don't know why, that is how they are. Totally different than women.
Just let go of the anger and try to be strong. Be kind and helpful to him, but do not pressure him into any kind of answer or resolve right now. He may not be ready.
I am not saying to let him walk all over you. But arguments and fights just make things worse. Try to be calm and collected and let him know you care about him enough to give him what he needs, and if what he needs is time away, then you should give it to him.
There is no sense in beating a dead horse.
Don't give up or let this break you down. He had a problem that he has to get over. He could be a different person now and have different needs and feelings. You will have to understand that if that is how he feels. No matter what we say or do sometimes, we cannot always change their minds, much less, change them.
You felt that you had to have a 'title'. And you know what, you deserve that! You do. You have told him what you wanted and needed. There is no sense in remitting that to him again. Give him time and space. If he truly loves you and wants to make things right again, he will. Like he said, he needs time. And that bad part about that is waiting. You just don't know if or how long it will be till he decides he is better.
Sit down and take a good long look at the relationship and the ups and downs.
Think of what he has been for you, and what he can be for you down the road. Will he fill your expectations? Will he be a devoted boyfriend that cares about you? Do you deserve to be confused and upset all the time?
Be good to you, but also be kind to him as well. Don't let this turn bitter, or there could be no turning back.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It will get better. Relationships can start off so wonderful! Most the times they do, but then things change, sometimes the change works, sometimes it doesn't. You deserve a guy that is stable, and has worked out any major problems in his life. I'm not saying don't support him, I'm saying it isn't grounds for a stable relationship. Also I'm sure your beautiful, and no matter if you gain 6lbs or more, a man who you truly should be with wouldn't look at you differently. You need the medications.
About the begging, I wouldn't feel too bad. I sorta did the same thing, and like you felt bad after, but then I reminded myself that we had a relationship for 2+ years, of course I'm still going to want to be with him! I'm sure your feelings are similar, you had a relationship with him, which you loved each other, of course your going to still want to be with him, its' normal.
You will be ok, you will get better. Its hard to see now. I just had a breakup (June 4th), and we were together for over 2 years. Its still hard, I still cry, but I know I'm a strong person and will get through this. You sound like a strong woman as well, and you will get through this.
I also think it might be easier for you two not to talk for a while. Talking will just make it harder for you and make you have false hopes of where things will be going. I'm not saying it is over forever, but it sounds like you two need time. Good luck, and everyone is here for you :D
Remember: You deserve someone wonderful, who will love you no matter your past and present challenges.
*hugs* Katie (Lambchop_13@hotmail.com)