Boyfriend vs. friends?
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| Sun, 10-16-2005 - 6:42pm |
Hi,
I have posted on this board before and just have a question that I can't answer. I was hoping to get some insight from the people on this board. Thanks in advance!
A little summary of my situation: I am 27, had a bf from age 20-(nearly)26, then another one from 26 until 2 weeks ago. My second ex broke up with me because he thought I was too old (he is 21, and was worried that I would be too old when he would want children around 29 or so), and because I did not earn a lot (I spent most of my 20s so far in education, and had 3 years of low-paying jobs inbetween colleges). He just thought our life plans didn't match (I personally thought there would not have been problems with age or salary as he has started a well-paying career and would earn more than enough to support a family, but he didn't share my opinion. I am planning to go to medical school and would be earning a good salary in a few years, but he thinks I should be earning a lot *now*).
So, I have never been single. I have also never had a lot of friends, always been the outsider at school. When I was a teenager I had one good friend, and I had my parents, so I always felt as though there were people who cared about me. And this is where my question comes in...
Since I moved to the country I live in now (age 20), I have had two bfs who cared for me and loved me. I didn't make any friends until I was almost 24 and in college. I didn't really feel the need for friends - I was not used to having loads of friends anyway, and liked the closeness and caring in a relationship and didn't really have a want for friends. Dangerous, maybe, putting all your eggs in one basket, but I didn't realise that at the time.
Ok, so then I made some friends at college. However, as nice as they were, I always felt most cared for and loved when I was with my bf. When I started my MA at another college and started dating my second bf (my ex of two weeks), I made more of an effort to make friends and go out, as I realised I was leaving myself vulnerable - what if we ever broke up? I would have noone else in my life. And I liked having friends, it was fun. But *still*, I felt happiest with my bf.
And now I am in a position where I no longer have a bf who cares for me. And I have no friends who care for me as much as he did. They have their own bfs/gfs, friends, and I am not a priority in anyone's life anymore. I have never been in that position. And it scares me.
So, my question is:
Is it realistic for a friend to care as much about you as a bf does? Or will it never have the same intensity?
I am asking because it kills me not to have anyone care a lot about me anymore. It really really hurts and makes me feel very alone. Is this egoistic? I care about my friends, don't get me wrong, but they have bfs/gfs who care about them more - so they probably aren't bothered if I care or not.
It hurts so much, knowing that you are not an important person in anyone's life anymore. And I firmly think that some girls have girlfriends who care about them a *lot*. BUT - would/could a girlfriend ever care about you as much as a boyfriend would?
I would love to have a friend in my life who I know cares a lot, who wants to be there for me without me having to ask all the time, who I am important to. And I don't have that. I don't want to start a rebound relationship just for the sake of having someone care about me again. I want to have that from my friends, so that I know that my next bf isn't my bf because I wanted to be cared for. I want to be with him because of him, not because he fulfils a need.
But is it actually realistic to want that high a level of caring from a friend? Or is it something that is only found within a relationship? I really don't know.
If it *is*, then I guess it would be normal to feel somewhat more alone without a bf. That your friends are nice, but that they could never provide the same level of caring as a bf can. It would mean that the pain I feel at the moment is something a lot of single people deal with, and that I would have to accept that as it cannot be changed.
Any advice would be greatly appriated, as I am very confused. Thank you.
Edited 10/16/2005 6:44 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
Edited 10/16/2005 6:45 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
Edited 10/16/2005 8:49 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad

Hi there,
I sympathise with your situation... I'm like you in that I prefer spending time with a BF, rather than friends. Like yourself, I enjoy the closeness and intimacy of a one-on-one relationship, that you just don't get from a group of friends. I don't think it's unusual though - Alot of married couples I know, spend most of their time together, and only occassionally seeing friends.
It can suck to find yourself alone, with no-one to give you that TLC, when a relationship ends. I have found that being with friends is great for days out and bowling, etc. But for the deep, caring, sharing stuff, that requires a soulmate. I have been lucky enough to have a couple of friends in my life who are soulmates - having alot in common, feeling comfortable, and being able to have a close, caring friendship. I would say it's a relatively rare thing to find a true friend like that, but given time, it does happen.
A true friend is probably better than a BF in the long run, because that friend will still be there for you, and the friendship isn't dependant on how old you are, or whether you earn enough money, or whether one of you doesn't want kids, etc. Whereas BF's come and go and often decide to end the relationship over the silliest of reasons.
Alot of single people do feel lonely - I know I crave the closeness of a relationship, again, but sometimes the right guy just isn't out there yet, and so we get on with our lives and play a waiting game. My single friends have also said they feel lonely and would like to meet someone special, so you certianly aren't alone in that. When I broke up with my BF, I wondered how I would ever cope alone... But I have truely surprised myself with my ability to cope and adapt to the circumstances - And you will, too. I guess we have to learn to live as single people again. Focus on doing things that you enjoy, such as hobbies, or try a new sport that you have always fancied. I decided to go off kart-racing and even competed in a championship... OK, so it was partly to meet men as well! :oP
Perhaps, spending some time with your family would help provide some of the closeness you crave? I learned to appreciate my family more than ever, once I realised that they will always care and be there for me, whereas BF's come and go.
Good Luck!
~Cherise
Hi Cherise,
Thanks for your advice. It helps to know that being lonely is a little bit part and parcel of being single, and it also helps to know that others feel like this too. Who knows, maybe even my ex feels lonely every now and then, now he isn't with me any longer and has noone to love and love him back? A strangely comforting thought, to know I am not the only one feeling bad...
I wish I had soulmate friends like yours. I thought I had someone who came close to that, but now he has a gf and is happy and his thoughts are on her most of the time. He still listens to me, but I can't help thinking that he cares somewhat less about me now - his mind is with his gf. She is his first proper gf, and he used to say that he felt lonely as hell sometimes while he was single. When everyone around him seemed to have someone to love and care for. So now he has that, he is enjoying every second of it, and most of his emotional energy goes to her. He says he will always be there for me, but at the moment it feels like getting an appointment with a highly sought-after specialist to see him or hear from him. He is happy, and I am happy for him as he deserves this so much, but I am also sad that I no longer have someone in my life who loves me and who I can love.
I also have a female friend who I get on with, and who says that she cares for me. She is always happy to listen, but I have this certain feeling that she won't be there for ever. She has a bf and is happy with him, and she has loads of other friends. She and her bf are thinking of moving to another country in a few years, so I probably won't see her again when that happens. I hate knowing that I have two people in my life who I would call good friends, but who both have partners and who also both have closer friends than I am with them. So I am way down the importance list and will most likely fall by the roadside in the process of them living their lives. And once they are gone I will be alone.
Sometimes I wish I could just have soulmate friends, and that if I had them I could be happily single and wait until I met someone that blew me away. I would not really look for a bf because I would feel happy knowing I had those friends. And meeting a great guy would be a bonus.
But sometimes I just want to have my ex back more than I want to have friends, I want to be held and loved and cared for. I am missing this and physical contact so much it hurts at the moment. I have had someone in my life who cared for me for the past 7 years - now I have noone. And I feel crushingly lonely.
I wish I could get some comfort from my family. I know for sure that my ex does - he is very close to his family. My family live in another country. My dad isn't very good with "feely" stuff and is quite pragmatic and not very "huggy". My mum gives me a hug if I need one, and she will listen to me, but I don't have the feeling as though she understands me all that well. She loves me and wants to see me happy, but sometimes I think she just doesn't know what to say. My brother is 2 years younger, and we aren't very close, we are friendly and talk about deeper stuff now that we are older (we hated each other as teenagers) but there is no deep bond there like some siblings have. The only person in my family who I feel quite close to, apart from my mum, is my aunt (my mum's sister). With her, I just get the feeling that she cares for me and likes me. I feel safe and cared for when I visit her. But overall, my family is not very close as such, we are quite independent as people.
And also, without wanting to sound morbid, most of my family will probably die before I do. Therefore, in generally, would it not be sensible *not* to have your family become the people you are closest to - because most of them are older than you (mum, dad, aunties, uncles, grandparents) and will leave this earth before you do. And then you have lost those closest to you. Is it weird to think like this? I am not sure.
Some days I think that I will meet a great guy one day. My exes found me attractive and loved me, why would not another guy find me attractive and fall in love with me? But then I get crushing self-doubt, thinking that I am too ugly, old, poor, boring, etc. to ever have someone love me again, and for me to love him as much in return. It's days when I feel like this, onlovable and unwanted, when I think how incredibly lucky I was that my ex loved me. I felt like I'd won the lottery - how could such a great guy possible love me and want to be with me? It's like being the item at the jumble sale that noone wants to buy, and which sits on the table for a long time. Until someone comes along and thinks that the item is perfect and just what they always wanted. So far two jumble sale visitors were interested in me - which is far more luck that such an item usually has. What are the chances of getting lucky a third time?
I feel so low thinking about this. I truly feel that there is nothing about me that would have made my two exes love me. They did, but to this day I have no idea why. I just felt grateful that they did because I thought no guy ever would. And this makes it hard for me to believe in love for a third time: if I believe that nothing about me deserves to be loved, then it's completely up to the guy to love me for a reason of his choosing. And this seems so completely random and like a lottery. I can't say "I deserve love because I am kind, honest, caring, quirky, interesting, curious, a good person with a good heart" because I don't believe that. I can't say to myself: "I was loved because of me, because of who I am, and it will happen again". I still, to this day, cannot understand why my exes loved me. Why me? What made them chose me? What about me made them love me? My exes loved me when I was not expecting that they would - the surprise and gratitude when they did was overwhelming. The pain when my ex fell out of love with me equally so. It's like trying to understand why someone has changed their decision, when you don't even understand the initial decision in the first place.
I'll stop now, knowing that I have a tendency to ramble on. I just wish that I felt and believed that I have something to offer people (friends or a bf), that they would like to take up the offer and reciprocate, and that I would not feel so unwanted, unlovable and lonely. I just want to be happy.
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps a little - I am so glad this board exists. Here is to hoping that things will get better, and that I too, like you Cherise, surprise myself with how I will cope and adapt. Thanks again for your post.
Oh sweetie, you are killing me... you don't really believe that you are old, ugly, poor and boring. And are you not honest, kind and loving? What is it about you that you think you are so unlovable and repulsive, that 2 boyfriends loved you but never a third?? And this friends thing you are hung up on. You have friends but because they have significant others as well, than they don't give you top priority or ALL of themselves so they can't be a good friend? And lets not lean of family or get close to them because they might die someday??? YOu are really really over-analyzing this to a point that you are driving yourself mad. You are asking for a friend to be your everything since currently you don't have a boyfriend, when in reality, you would never give ALL of yourself to them. As soon as you find a boyfriend you would then drop your friend?? I think everybody wants somebody to love and be intimate with and spend more time with but it is our girlfriends that we can count on in between the guys and throughout the relationships. If you have kept your friends at arms length because you don't really care about them, just your current boyfreind than what do you expect from them? You said they have boyfriends and friends and it works fine but they don't REALLY care about you. Friendship is not a bartering system where you give in return for what you get and not a penny more. It's more to do with basically caring for the person and enjoying their company. Being there if you can for them and leaning alittle when it's your time of need. You know, in reality, all you really ever have is yourself to count on, and you are lucky if you have close relationships with family and friends and that special someone.
My honest opinion, You should definitely seek some help to deal with this "me me me, I'm so pathetic nobody loves me" issue. I know losing a boyfriend makes us all insecure but really, things are not that bleek. BTW 27 is NOT old. Going to be a Doctor of anything is amazing, and money isn't everything and neither was your ex. I remember your other post where you were almost jealous of everything he was and is and that you are not, what he has and you don't. These are all issues you have with yourself, nothing to do with him. If it wasn't him than it would be someone else. Seriously seek some counceling. As for your topic discussion, You can't "choose" either a boyfriend or a friend, it's not a one or the other thing.
sending prayers for finding peace and healing,
Gracie
I think perhaps, because you have never been single for very long, you haven;t had a chance to discover who YOU are. This is just a theory, but when we are part of a couple, we don't really get to be our own person, or focus on the things we like to do - everything becomes a partnership activity and a compromise. Therefore, perhaps you haven't really had the chance to discover yourself, your talents and your strengths/weaknesses.
Being single is a great period of self-discovery, having the freedom to explore activities that make us tick, to learn to be self-reliant. I think if you spend some time getting to know yourself, you will start to recognise your strengths and positive qualities and have a greater sense of self-worth.
I'm just guessing, but I get the impression that what makes you feel good in life is having a partner to pay you attention. That's true for all of us, but I think you also need to learn how to make YOURSELF feel good, by valuing yourself and filling your life with hobbies and activities you enjoy.
Just my two cents worth anyway!
Blessings,
~Cherise
Gracie and Cherise -
Thank you both for your replies. They are both very true.
Gracie: I know that these issues are mine, and that they are nothing to do with my ex as such. You're right, if it hadn't been him it would have been someone else. I have only recently started to face up to all these issues regarding self-worth, self-esteem, and the like. I am just starting out on the road to getting better, and this is why I write like I do at the moment - I am having more bad(ish) days than good days. I never had to face a lot of these issues before, I could conveniently ignore them. Not anymore. It's like having a bad tooth fixed when you have been avoiding the dentist: it hurts and feels horrible. I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now, and she is helping me resolve my issues. Progress is going slowly at the moment, as I seem to be taking teeny-tiny steps rather than improve in leaps and bounds, but I think it will get better. I have been ignoring a lot of stuff for years, and it's all coming to the surface now. It will be a lot of work, but it's way overdue!
And you also hit the nail on the head when you said that I wanted a friend to be my everything. That is what I want, but I am grateful for you giving it to me straight here. A friend cannot be me everything, and it is unfair to ask this of them. I must admit that I am a slight bit guilty of seeing my friends less when I was with my second ex (when I was with my first ex I had no friends apart from him, so seeing my friends less wasn't an issue). I did not and would not in future just drop my friends if I got another boyfriend, but yes, maybe my priorities would change somewhat. As I am sure they would for *most* people, and who the heck am I then for holding this against them? I am hypocritical in this respect, so thanks for setting me straight here.
You raise some good points, and I shall think about them for quite a bit. I will also work on focusing more on what *I* can do to be a good friend to my friends and to new people, rather than focussing solely on what they can or cannot do for me.
Cherise: you're right too. I have *never* been single. There are so many things that I have never tried, and where I wonder if I could do them. And I intend to make the most of my time as a single to try some new stuff and learn how to make myself feel ok and good.
If I am brutally honest with myself, I must admit to having a passive nature when it comes to social interaction - I like to listen rather than tell stories myself (I can talk loads if I want though, as you will have noticed!) because it's safer: you don't have to worry about boring the other person. Sometimes when I am with people I feel like a spectator, watching but not participating, and part of me likes it because I don't have to worry about what I say, how I say it, what I do, if people like it, etc. I just watch and listen. But that is incredibly unfair on the people I am with. They have a right to be entertained too, to hear stories, for someone to initiate something (whether that be a story or an activity). They are not a movie that I can watch without doing anything myself. And this passiveness is something that I really have to kick my ass in gear about. I need to get more involved when interacting with others, and by doing it reduce my fear of not able to do it. Win-win situation, really.
Thank you both again for giving me a reality check. It made me feel as though things might not be as bad as I think they are. So thank you for that.
First of all you need to love yourself for who you are and not worry about having someone in your life. As we get older it gets harder and harder to form friendships. As adults we have different priorities that propel us (family, career, etc). If you are lacking in friends try joining a sport group. I am 36 yrs old and I play co-ed soccer. It is a blast and I meet so many people. I have good friends but none of them are single so I wind up alone on the weekends. It has been 3months since my breakup and this is the longest I have ever gone without a man in my life. It has been hard. I kept bashing myself and telling myself that I am boring or a loser, but you know what, I'm not. Who gives a crap if I am by myself. Another person doesn't define you, they are an added bonus. Granted I am lonely but I am not worthless. I actually am proud of the fact that I have been by myself and I plan on staying that way for a while longer. Someone will have to drop in my lap because I am not going to look.
I miss my ex and wish things were different but I have fought hard to get him back and everytime he has pushed me aside. I finally have taken the hint.
I am happy to talk to you anytime, granted it is not the same as having someone physically around but it is at least a start. I hope you start to feel better and use your creative side to figure out ways to get out and meet people.