Break up after 7 years help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Break up after 7 years help!
21
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 7:17pm
Here is the story. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years now. We met online 8 years ago and met one year later, we continued a long distance relationship, seeing eachother 2 or 3 times a year until last year. He lives in Europe and I live in Canada, I decided to move there to be with him. I hadnt moved before because I was young and still in school and so was he. So I moved there last year. Everything was great, I got a job and no serious problems. We had had problems in the past because he was unsure about committing to me fully, but we got past that, so I thought when I moved there and everything was fine. Until after a year of living together, I went back to Canada for a month. When I left he called me a week later and told me it wasnt working and he wanted to break up because quote "he just wanted to be alone". I dont know what I did wrong, nothing really, the relationship was great, I understood he was an independent person and needed his space, and I thought I gave it to him. This time he doesnt seem to want to change his mind at all. I left all my things there, my luggage, everything, still have my job there, what should I do? He says he still loves me and I love him, but he cant give me what I want!!! Sounds like a committment phobic to me, but I cant seem to change his mind. help! What should I do, I still want him. His mother wants me to show up there, because I still have my flight, but I dont know if this will just cause me more pain?
What should I do. Any advice would help me so much!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:46pm
Hey Suz ,
I know how you are feeling . My husband just up and moved got a place over 1000 miles away from me and my daughter . He said he was trying to fix his credit so he couldn't help with bills and saved his money to move out . I know it may seem really hard right now but it will get better. Trust me . Even though I am not all together yet I can at least see some light now . Keeping busy is very important .
And That is what SHANTESAYS
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:15am

Hello. I feel your pain.

After reading your story, I can only feel that this man is a total jerk to let you relocate to another country, only to call you when you are away from him to break up. Why couldn't he do that in person?

Go back there, get the rest of your stuff, and run like the wind!!!!!!!! Go back home and stay there where you have family and a support system. You can always find another job. This is not a man you want to deal with any longer than you already have. Tell his mother that you are too good for her son, and that maybe one day when he's all grown up, he'll deserve a woman as good as you.

One of the tricks men use when they want to break up is to tell you that they still love and care for you....this is just a ploy to try to avoid an ugly ending, and possibly to leave the door open should he want to come back to you and dabble a little more with someone familiar during dry times.

Do NOT hang around and try to make it work. You will only lose whatever dignity you have left!

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:40am
Yeah it is pretty bad, and I was going home to see my new newphew born. I just dont think its really a good idea to go over there either. I have to take two planes and a day to travel. I think it would just be too emotional saying goodbye again and not trying to work on it. Yeah I have really been too good, but he was my first love and I guess I didnt see all the pain he put me through throughout the years. Our story is really complicated, but I really thought love would conquer all. Guess not, when one person is a total baby. My brother is going to Hawaii for a vacation in mid August, think I might see if I can switch my ticket to go there with him. And about my luggage, I dont know, I lived there for a year so alllllll my things are there. Well he said he would take care of that, but its gonna cost a fortune because I atleast have 2 full suitcases full and thats something you cant send in the mail from there. Well Im feeling better. I just have sometimes a problem when I fool myself in thinking Im happy and dont care, but then I realize Im happy because I have some kind of hope. And by going there it would definatly give me hope. I mean whats your hypothesis on a man like that? I think he is just immature and really I feel better when i think it had nothing to do with our relationship and only to do with him running away scared.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:21am

I've read your posts and what everyone else has replied to you, and I just wanted to put in my two cents.

It sounds like he was scared, plain and simple. How old are you both?

My advice would be to go get your stuff. Don't just leave it there, what if he never sends it to you.

Also everyone so far has told you to just forget about him, but you probably can't just forget him after 7 years.

I was in a 4.5 year relationship and my ex broke up with me 12 weeks ago because he just wanted to be alone.... Sound familiar.

Honestly, if you truly love him, then you can't totally forget him. You can move on with your life though. And it's okay to have hope that one day he'll want to be with you and love and cherish you the way you deserve. I still have hope, and everyone that posts on these boards probably does have some hope.

Follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:24pm
Well maybe he was scared, I think so, but he is 32 and Im almost 25. So at 32 if you cant commit? Plus he has done this to me before, a year ago, but I gave him a second chance and we seemed to work it out, I ended up moving to Italy, he is Italian and Im Canadian. It was difficult for me, but I managed to find a job and things were slowly getting better, I was learning the language, feeling comfortable, meeting friends and then this. I left for a vacation home to see my sisters new born. I dont know what to think, somedays Ive given up and others like today I have hope. he wrote me an email this morning saying we could talk and figure things out a little more and that he loved me and missed me. So today Im feeling hopeful. My flight is still booked for the 25th of July, so I have a week to decide and he has to decide if he wants me there or not. He already said it wasnt a good idea for me to come, but it seems he could change his mind, if I was more flexiable. But should I be, after all he has put me through? I mean I cant just go there for 2 weeks, I would just feel like crap in the end. I am so tempted to do that though, with hope that we could fix it. But would he just do this to me again? get my heart broken all over again, when Im feeling ok right now. Well I should talk to him tonight and see what he says, I hope I dont agree to a 2 week trial back there because it would just make me bitter.I hate this because I know he isnt good to me, but then I think about all the good times we had and when it seemed like just one month ago even that he loved me, I felt it, Im sure of it. So why does it have to be this way when we love oneanother?
Tell me what you think, tell me a little about your boyfriend, did he say why he wanted to be alone?
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:01am

Honestly every situation is different and you have to make this decision based on what you know about yourself, about your ex, and about your relationship with him.

My ex and I saw each other last night for the first time since the break up. We ended up talking for 3 and a half hours. He wants to be alone right now because we are really young, I'm 21, he's 22. He is trying to get his life settled before he wants to be in a serious relationship, and he said he just needs to not be in a relationship right now. He told me last night that I was perfect, gorgeous, all those nice things, but that he still needs to be alone. He even told me he still loved me, and we ended up making out a little bit, neither one of us wanted it to go further though, so it didn't. He really respects me, and I also respect him and why he had to do this. The bridge has been lifted between us and its great. We left things with him agreeing that he was going to try and get his crap together, and that we would start hanging out and see what happens. But enough about me.

Honestly if I were you I would probably get on the plane and go see him. But that's me. If you do go see him, just know that it might end badly, but at least you'll know that you tried, and you won't have to wonder that you did everything you could. Relationship are a tricky thing, and another thing that has to come into play is the fact that hes done this before to you. I've always told myself that I would take my ex back once, but if he does it again, that's it.

If you do go see him, hope for the best, but expect the worst.

Follow your heart.

~Amber~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:19am
Thanks Amber you are a wise woman. Yeah well my boyfriend is 32, but actually he is still trying to get his life together. Me too, but Im 24, so its more understandable. I want to go there I really do and I was talking to him last night and he said the same thing and I actually said "what if I come there for a 2 week trial?" He said ok but he didnt want to hurt me again and probably I would just end up leaving after 2 weeks with nothing really having changed. I mean I probably would get there and everything would be great, we wouldnt beable to get our hands off oneanother, laughing, having great dinners together, but after the 2 weeks were up he probably would just say, I still want to be alone. I mean I cant say for certain thats what would happen, but it seems thats what he thinks. I mean I was thinking what if we really talked about what he needed to change to be happy but he wont listen to me, everytime I say I want to work on it or help change whatever makes him feel this way, he says "I just want to be alone" I dont think he understands his feelings either because yeah you just want to be alone, but why? He doesnt think there needs to be a reason why and I think there is always a reason to a feeling. Its hard when someone doesnt want to listen or change. So I dont know, do you think I should do a 2 week trial knowing he doesnt want to change much at this moment? He did this already last year to me and really it was the same problem.
Its so tempting to go, but everyone around me now would think i was a fool. I would have to lie to them to go there and say, he wanted to work it.
What should I do, time is ticking, my plane is for the 25th, but I should cancel it next Monday or Tuesday. Also my job is there and I havent told them yet Im not coming. They expect me next week!
Help!
Suz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:55am

Hey Suz,

You really have a tough situation. My bf is 33 and I'm 27. He still is trying to get his life together. So, I totally understand how you feel. We broke up mainly because he isn't sure if he wants kids someday, but there are other issues with him as well that he feels are preventing him from making that decision. He has no plan for the next 5 years. He even told me he doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up yet and he feels like he has no purpose. So, I guess it doesn't matter how old you are. For some people they just have a hard time growing up.

I don't know whats going to happen with us right now, He broke up with me, but said he thinks he wants to try and work it out. We have been seeing eachother about once a week now and have been broken up for a month. I can tell you that this is no fun at all. This limbo relationship really sucks and is very emotional and I'm thinking of telling him we need no contact for a little bit while he tries to sort his life out and decide if he can be with me, because its just too hard for me right now. So think long and hard about doing this trial. Its really hard emotionally. But, if you do think there is a chance that you will work it out eventually, then maybe it would be worth it. I guess I don't have the answers, because I'm going through something kinda like this myself right now. I just wanted you to know there are others out there like you. Your situation is tough though because he is across the ocean and you started to make a life there.

Personally, I think you should go back to at least get your things and talk to your boss. Is there some friend over there you could stay with? That way you wouldn't have to see him if you don't want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:06am
Well there is a few people I could stay with but one lives a few hours away from where he lives. Im not sure what to do really because it seems he thinks it would be nice for me to come but he doesnt want to promise me anything and doesnt want me to stay really after the two weeks. I think this would really hurt me if I did that, since here Im feeling pretty good right now. But I am so tempted because I know when i get there everthing would be the same and we would be happy. I dont know I was thinking of doing a trial but in the process I would see him but also spend a week or so visiting friends in other parts of Italy and doing a mini vacation with them and then coming back to see him again afterwards. But I dont know really. I could even stay with his mother, but I dont know if thats a good idea. Ahhhh what to do! Since I dont know if he really even wants me there, but he loves me and misses me! Strange, some men make me so angry!
Thanks its good to know Im not the only one who has to deal with an immature man!
Suz
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:11am

That is a tough one. Honestly, if it was me, I would go and try the 2-week trial. But that's just me, you have to make this decision on your own.

My ex and I last night talked about everything and I now understand more of why he wanted to be alone, etc. We laughed like old time and it was amazing, but it is also very confusing in ways. But we'll see what happens there.

I do think you should go back to at least get your stuff, talk to your boss, and you should at least go and talk with him. But I think you should try and make other plans and not make the whole 2 weeks about him. Possibly stay with a friend for part of the time instead of him.

It does make it harder knowing that he's done this to you before but you need to make this decision for yourself.

~Amber~

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