Break up after the death of his mother
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| Sat, 01-27-2007 - 12:33am |
Hi everyone,
This is the first time I've posted here. I've been reading many of the threads and am amazed how you've all come to support one another during such a difficult time. I am reaching out tonight because I know that I need help through all of this. It has been so hard.
My boyfriend of nearly 7 years broke up with me in mid December. We've been together since we were 17 years old and had always planned to get married. We were on that track - moving in together a year ago, starting our careers etc. His mother was diagnosed with cancer mid 2006 and in September, four months later, she passed away. It was a shock. We went to be with her two weeks before she died. I was there helping to turn her in the bed, talking to her while she slept while my bf refused to come into the room to see her. I think it may have been too much for him. She passed away, family came from all over the place and we had the funeral. We went back to our regular life after that but I know immediately after coming back, I was affected. I started questioning life, what my purpose was, what I wanted to do. It was like I thought I would only have four months to live and I was afraid I wasn't living at my full potential. In the meantime my bf was still coming to terms with denial that his mom had cancer and actually died. At that time he couldn't identify with the mini life crisis I was experiencing in my head. I was distracted, so was he. I pulled out of that stage about a month later, equalized and got back into the swing of regular life. But he started to drift away. He spent 12 hours at work most days, met lots of new friends at work and just started to act really distant. He confronted me and said that he had planned to propose during Christmas but with all the stuff going on with his job and his mom passing, he said that he didn't think it was the right time. I was devastated mostly because I had no idea and because he told me about it and then took it back. After that I became really insecure and he pulled away more and more. Then in November he said he needed to stay away for a few days to sort things through so for a few nights at a time he stayed in a hotel. He said he needed to get errands done and just think about his mom. This happened twice. The second time it lasted about 5 days and at the end of that week he broke things off with us.
He said that he had changed, that over time we drifted, that he doesn't love me enough to be with me. He said that his priorities had shifted and he wasn't thinking "us" and instead started thinking only about himself. I was devastated and in complete shock. I always thought his distance had something to do with his mom - mostly because he never talked about her, never cried about her and was really not open to discussing her at all. I even went to grief support groups to see if I could gain perspective on what he was going through. But he didn't want to talk about it. So I just tried to be there for him. When he was breaking up with me he said that he had hoped this event would have brought us closer to together but it hasn't. And I didn't get that because I was there for him every step of the way - he just isolated himself completely and didn't let anyone in.
Anyway, now I'm trying to heal as best I can. We were speaking for a while but I realized how much I would miss him and it would hurt too much so I asked for space. He had been calling me about random things like giving me the alarm clock or asking if I had his jogging pants - they weren't real conversations but we'd flirt a little. When I talked to him about those phone calls he disregarded them as having had any meaning. And I told him that because I still love him, it's too hard for me to keep talking to him so I need space. He said that I have to move on and that maybe in 3-4 years he'll realize that I'm the one for him but I can't hold on to that hope (who says these things?!?! I was so shocked he said that!). Anyway, he said that we won't talk for a month. Right now, I don't plan on talking to him ever.
I just don't know how my best friend in the whole world, the man who I was supposed to marry, the man whose family introduced me to complete strangers as their daughter-in-law-in-training would just break things off! I am haunted by the mistakes I made and I wonder if any of them led to this. Did we not have enough sex? Was I not supportive enough? Was I not affectionate enough?
Please let me know what you think. I am still in love with him. I'm torn over being there for him because his mother died but also trying to protect myself from being heartbroken over and over again. I want him to come back but I know I shouldn't hold on to that hope. Our circumstances are a bit different. What do you think? How do I not kill myself over regrets over my own mistakes? How do I stop feeling like it was all my fault?
Thank you in advance for your help and support.

Oh Honey I am SO sorry to hear about all of this. I don't know how true this is, but I think it is fairly normal for someone who has experienced a significant loss to push away other important ppl in their lives.
I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but this could have very little to do with you.
We give so much in relationships, and certainly over 7 yrs, but why is it that it the most trying thing to do is to give someone time and space to sort things out when they need it?
I really think that is the best thing he can do for you right now.
IMO, you need to look out for your well being 1st. If you can be there for him as a friend as he goes through this and not read into times he may contact you as having something to do with your relationship, then be there for him. If not, let him be and in time when he has sorted through things, perhaps he will return. The unknown is daunting isn't it? Trust me, I completely understand.
Ths break up may or may not have a direct correlation to the loss of his mother. If not, perhaps it brought some things to the surface that he had been thinking of? My guess is that it has more to do with his loss and very little to do with you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you wis, and post here as much as you need to.
L
Thanks L. I really appreciate your support.
I asked for NC for a month because it was so hard to talk to him and wonder if he missed me and wanted to get back together.
I think that's what I keep wanting - for him to realize that he made some sort of mistake. It has been nearly two months since he broke things off and I'm doing well these but I still get sad and some days I get REALLY sad. I'd like to continue to be there for him but I have a feeling that it will make me miss him even more.
Are there any guys out there who have some insight on what may be going through his head? Do people typically come back after something like this?
How should I approach moving forward? I'm a hopeless dreamer and I'd like to think that fairytales still exist in this world.
Well, I am not a guy but I have read many cases where the situation has turned around. If there was ever a deep love at one point, it is possible BUT you have to focus on YOU right now sweetie, do what you need to do to move past this and when and if the time comes back around for you two to meet up again, you will be a stronger more attractive woman going through this process :)
L
Would you advise that I stay with NC? What if he calls me? I would feel so bad not picking up - it just seems so rude. Or worse yet, what if he never calls me again. That would be so heartbreaking. The thing with NC is that you do it but deep down inside you hope and wish for that phone call.
At what point would you guys advise counseling? I just feel like I keep going through the same thoughts in my head about what I could have done, that I did something for him to think that I wasn't worth keeping.
I can't get over the fact that he wanted to let me go. It's like, why, am I not good enough? It's so hard to not attach it to your own self worth. I hate it. I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore but you look back and you try to analyze everything that happened and you remember mostly two things: the really good times and the things that you regret. It kills. How do you STOP thinking those things? This is partly why I want to talk to him again - to ask why, to get some answers so that I can understand what it is that happened.
How do you go from being someone's everything to nothing? =(
boy do i feel your pain. I feel the exact same way you do. If you have read any of my other post i said the exact same things. I dont know what is wrong with me sometimes. I feel like i am going crazy. I try to do things for myself joined a gym but if i see couples i get really depressed. i am so not good at being single. I just want to have someone to call my own again.
Like i have said a million times i just feel like i will never love again while he probably will and is and he gets what i always wanted. He honestly destroyed all my dreams i ever had. I built my future with him and he is gone so all that is gone too. I am headed in a complete different direction now and i am terrified. This is not the life i want or ever wanted. Why is it that the thing you want most never works out that way. I just am at a lost. I am so sorry i dont have words of wisdom for you because i am on here to try to get those too but please now you are not alone. I honestly have said the exact same phrases you have used in your posts on my posts.
Keep posting as i know i will......
And dont call it just brings you back...
=( I hate it feeling this way.
I don't want to be haunted by what I could have done differently for the rest of my life. And I don't know why I can't find resolution within myself. So should I call him and ask why he doesn't want me anymore? Why he broke things off? Why he said "no thanks" to allthe love and support I wanted to give him? Would that give me closure?
No it would give him satisfaction. That you are constantly thinking about it. Trust me i know the feeling of wanting to ask those questions matter fact i did when it first happened and it was all i dont knows. Dont waste your time on figuring out closure. They wanted out and one day like everyone says they will regret it. Dont ask him anything dont talk to him it will only push him away. Let him miss you and if he doesnt miss you then he wasnt for you. If it is meant to be it will be.
Going throught the pain sucks so bad that is why i write on here because i know if i let him know i awful i am feeling he will be satisfied and think i will be sitting around waiting for him. Dont let him think that of you as hard as it is.
You are so right.
I think I need some sort of mantra to remind myself of the reasons WHY I should not contact him. Here are a few (that were posted on this board as well as advice given by other friends):
- Why would I want to be with someone who thought it was OK to abandon me?
- He needs to experience a TOTAL LOSS to really know what it's like to lose me
- Talking brings him comfort or a high and it brings me pain
- He doesn't deserve my attention
- HE chose to leave ME - he has to be the one to come back - it is not for me to convince him
- Confidence, independence and strength are more attractive than desperation and whining
- Living well is the best revenge
- I'm fabulous just the way I am - and I don't need any man to validate that
- If it's meant to be, it will be
- Let go and let God