BREAK THE CYCLE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
BREAK THE CYCLE!
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 12:11pm

I came across this website this morning, and I've printed a lot of material from it. It talks about unavailable men, and why we stay in relationships with unavailable men. There is also a checklist on how to spot an emotionally unavailable man, and why we attract emotionally unavailable men. Please check it out, it's helped me deal with my breakup and put the focus back on me. Hugs to all.


lisa


http://naughtygirl.typepad.com/mrunavailable/understanding_unavailable_men/index.html


Why be emotionally unavailable and why want someone who is emotionally unavailable?


The reason why women love emotionally unavailable men is because it's what they know. Why change the habit of a lifetime if you don't even recognise it as not being good for you because you've never experienced something different? It's difficult to pull yourself out of this scenario when there is something oddly comforting because it's strangely familiar.


Men and women in this scenario are behaving in their respective ways because they have both been trained. The guy has it entrenched in him to go it alone, keep a distance, not be vulnerable, and probably has no clue how to actually put his emotions out there. Women that love emotionally unavailable men have it entrenched in them to chase the attention of a man who just isn't 'there' whether it's on an emotional or physical sense or both. With both men and women who fall into this vicious cycle, it stems from a fear of loving and a fear of losing love.


When it comes to relationships that involve emotional unavailability, both parties have issues with letting out their emotions. Often both parties have had experiences that contribute to their actions and it often comes down to some sort of previous hurt. For some it was out and out heartbreak with a conscious decision never to risk themselves again and for others, they got hurt, buried the feeling and it masks itself as unavailabilty. Often in the childhoods of women that have this problem, there is a father that was absent, a father that they didn't have a great bond with, a father that worked long hours, a mother and father that stopped communicating with each other and appeared to be emotionally distant, and sometimes a mother that gave out mixed or wrong messages about love such as needing any love rather than quality love. The pattern is deep-rooted within us and it can often show itself as an intense desire to go it alone rather than put yourself at risk with a man. When a solo-woman does dip her toes into dating, she does it with an emotionally unavailable man because it's less risky and promotes the notion that it's better to be alone because men take your heart, smash it, hurt you, use and abuse you.