Break up-hope with counseling?
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| Fri, 01-26-2007 - 6:43pm |
Hi Everyone - gonna try to make a long story short.
My boyfriend & I broke up just after new years & just short of our 1 yr anniversary. I have been so upset because we had a wonderful relationship (we both agree with that)- everything was perfect BUT HE has obviously been carrying some old issues from his divorce. He was really hurt by it, and trust is hard too. All his relationships after the divorce have all failed due to this. He made the decision that he thought we should break up because he KNOWS I'm in love with him and he feels he gets "stuck"? He knows he cares a lot for me, more than likes me, and enjoys everything about me & spending time with me, but, he is afraid his feelings haven't developed enough...into "love" that he thinks and was what if it didn't develop if we stayed together longer- felt he would have lead me on longer? He felt it was unfair to me? He felt it should've developed by now but also says he isn't sure what the feelings are? What they mean, or does love grow over time etc? He was very hurt from his divorce and seems he ends up like this with relationships? He knows he misses me now that we are apart, wants to send me a message or call but knew I needed "time" to get stronger...lastnight I went to exchange belongings and he said it was great to see me, I looked great and he knew he shouldn't say it but he does miss me a lot sometimes, and liked seeing me. When I got my things, I didn't even look him in the eyes, I did what I had to do & left without "socializing". He seemed to want to talk but I left. Later in the night, we talked on the phone. This is when he told me about how he felt when he saw me, and that he does miss me and isn't happy to be away from me? We know, now that our things are exchanged - there is no reason to go back anymore. I don't want this to be over....I want him to not lose me if he feels these things when he talks to me & sees me...if it feels Good, and makes him happy- that has GOT to mean something? I really do want him back but he needs to deal with his issues? I want to be there for him, and (might be a mistake) but I said I would like to be there. We discussed him going to talk to a therapist, and maybe even with me going too? He is going to think about it this week and let me know what he decides. He said, "I have a hard enough time airing my dirty laundry, nevermind in front of you" I said "Maybe it will help you, and maybe us?" He didn't say "No" to the idea and he does recognize he needs to do this. The question is, did anyone hear of this helping? Can it help him and maybe someday will it help us, will I have him back & will he let me in his heart? He did say on the phone lastnight - can I maybe take you out sometime? I'm not sure how to feel BUT I think IF he calls the doc & goes through with this then & only THEN will it be a real sign that he is taking a step in the right direction! If I stick by him, be here when he calls etc...even though we aren't "together" do you think we could get back together someday? ANy thoughts?? Thanks sweetie

A week before my ex broke up with me he told he was thinking about going to see a therapist. He never told me what for except he couldn't take his mind off things. He never told me what it was. It takes a strong man to even consider going to a therapist. Well, my ex did go to the therapist and broke up with me the next day. He never told me what occurred in that sesssion, but in an e-mail he said there was a pattern with him he needed to figure out why it kept happening. I don't know if he continued seeing the therapist or not. Honestly, I hope he is getting help. My guess he is either afraid of commitment, or he has just been hurt too many times in past relationships(which I know he has), that he's afraid he'll just get hurt. Either way, I wish I would be able to find out if the therapist helped him. Maybe he's still seeing one and working through his problems. Not sure how long it will take to work through his problems. But, it seemed to me like there was going to be a lot to work through.
My advice to you is that if this guy has these issues from divorce, he needs time to deal with it. And you shouldn't settle for someone who isn't sure of how they feel about you. You deserve someone that doesn't want to be without you. If your guy goes through the counseling process...that's a very good step. And, like I said, it takes a good man to admit he needs help.
I have another and different therapist story. I lived with my ex and we had a lot of domestic issues. I wanted to go to couples counseling and kept waiting for him to say yes. When we finally broke up I was mad that we never went to see a counselor for our problems and then he says "when did we ever have an appointment?" This was a lightbulb moment for me and I would say that if your guy isnt saying no to going - he's saying yes. It sounds like he should go on his own as well as going separately.
We ended up going once when we were breaking up, it was a really bad experience which left us both upset at the therapist and not each other which was a nice change. He was ready to try again with a new therapist but I felt really humiliated by the first one so I just didnt have it in me to look for another one. What I learned from that is that not all therapists are good at what they do. Try to get recommendations from someone.
Everything else about your story I would say give him some space and dont pressure him. You have to figure out yourself if you want to hang in there for a while and see what happens - or not. But you have to be aware that if you do hang in there, it still may not work out. There are no guarantees. I dont see anything wrong with hanging in there if he isnt sure its over. At the same time its really important that you respect your own needs and limits.