To Break up or Not to Break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
To Break up or Not to Break up
5
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 5:50pm


I am a 37 year old male who has dated this girl (lady) for the last 3 1/2 years. We love each other but I am having difficulty commiting (I'm sure that's the first time you've heard that).

I really want to have children one day but she told me that she is unable to do so(medical condition). I don't think it is fair (to me) if I marry her and deny the desires of my heart to one day have children.

How would you feel if you can not have any children and are dating someone who wants to have kids one day?

What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:17pm
I don't think you have issues with commitment, but issues of commiting to your GF in particular and this could be due to that little detail..children, you want them but she can't have them. What's her position regarding this issue? Will she consider adopting a child if she can't have one? If you decide to marry this woman you should think in what you need...could you live without children? OR have you two thought about the option of adopting a child? If you say no to both options than break it up now. Did you know about this since you started dating? You know, it's been 3 and half years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:17pm
Hi...I think it's great you want children, it's refreshing to hear that from a male...I have four sons and a daughter myself...they're amazing. BUT I do have a few questions, First, WHAT is her medical condition? Is it verifiable or is she just using it as an excuse because she genuinely does not wish to have children? SECOND, three and a half years is an awfully long time to enjoy carnal privileges with a woman knowing full well she couldn't give you the "desires of your heart." Are you sure you aren't growing just a bit tired of the current status quo and want to move on to greener pastures with the angelic excuse "Oh, but I love children so...sorry you'll have to go..." Are your eyes straying to potential child-bearers...like that hotty with the triple D's next door or are you really in the market for a wonderful although maybe less glamorous mother? Only you know what's really going through your head and your heart...whether it's genuine love and desire for children or a dispicable male guise used to excuse dumping a faithful girlfriend of 3 1/2 years. Read "He's Scared, She's Scared" to clarify any commitment issues you may have. When and if you do have children...good luck...they are simultaneously the very best and the very worst thing that will ever happen to you...but you wouldn't trade that in for the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:03pm


I appreciate your response and candor.

I do feel that I am ready to make a commitment. But...when I think in the long run what it would be like 3-5 years from now when we are in our mid 40's...how life would be like to not have children....I think it would be very difficult. She too wants to have children but her medical condition does not permit it. She says that her tubes are closed and that we would have to go through invitro-fertilization which she say's is going to cost $10,000 and at the same time there is no guarantee that it would work. We've been together so long that it would be very difficult to break up. I feel that at my age my biggest worry is being alone again, going thru the dating seen and not finding love. My girlfriend and I have done so much and have accomplished so much together...that living with out her would be very painful. But I can sense that she is becoming impatient and would like to see me propose. I love her and I can see myself with her but I can not see myself without children. That sounds so selfish of me. I feel that maybe the right thing to do is marry this woman and deny my needs and wants. I think life would be very sad and lonely when we are old...and we have no children to call us and say "how you doing dad?" To die by ourselves with no one to really be there. But to leave a woman who loves and adores you because she can not bear children sounds so cruel. I feel that I am at a catch 22...my needs or hers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:13pm


Thank you for your response.

I can not see myself adopting a child. Not that I think there is anything wrong with that but I just don't feel like it is me or what I want to do. I want my own child not someone else's...my child...my blood.

I do feel that I am ready to make a commitment. But...when I think in the long run what it would be like 3-5 years from now when we are in our mid 40's...how life would be like to not have children....I think it would be very difficult. She too wants to have children but her medical condition does not permit it. She says that her tubes are closed and that we would have to go through invitro-fertilization which she say's is going to cost $10,000 and at the same time there is no guarantee that it would work. We've been together so long that it would be very difficult to break up. I feel that at my age my biggest worry is being alone again, going thru the dating seen and not finding love. My girlfriend and I have done so much and have accomplished so much together...that living with out her would be very painful. But I can sense that she is becoming impatient and would like to see me propose. I love her and I can see myself with her but I can not see myself without children. That sounds so selfish of me. I feel that maybe the right thing to do is marry this woman and deny my needs and wants. I think life would be very sad and lonely when we are old...and we have no children to call us and say "how you doing dad?" To die by ourselves with no one to really be there. But to leave a woman who loves and adores you because she can not bear children sounds so cruel. I feel that I am at a catch 22...my needs or hers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 2:03pm

have you ever considered surrogate parenting?

seriously, if your girlfriend has the eggs, the child will still be BOTH of yours genetically. the only difference is that your girlfriend wouldn't actually be HAVING the baby, someone else would.

should you consider surrogate parenting, your needs and concerns would be met.
if you truly love her, you will commit to her, and deal with the future as it comes. having children is not impossible.

good luck, i hope you find happiness in whatever choice you make! :)