break up out of the blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
break up out of the blue
12
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 10:08pm

Hello all, I came across this forum in search for some advice, and a place to vent, I hope you don't mind the ensuing rant.

I am newly single as of last night...completley and utterly out of the blue. I was with him for 1.5 years...my longest relationship at 25 years young. I'm upset, angry and confused, and I detest being upset.

Got to his place after work (we didn't live together), he got home same time I did. Earlier in the day we had chatted about what I was going to pick up for supper, teased each other a bit nothing out of the ordinary. When we got home nothing seemed abnormal, until he sat down on the bed and said that we needed to talk. Immedaetly I knew this wasn't going to be good. It really wasn't even a discussion, he had already made up his mind. He told me he hasn't been happy the last few weeks, and he doesn't know why. He doesn't know if its his roommate, or his job, or if its our relationship, but he decided to make some changes, and breaking up with me was the first one he was going to make.

Needless to say, I was speechless. I asked him why he thought pushing me away would help. He retorted with the typical "i don't know"..and went on about how he doesn't like not being happy etc etc...I honestly don't remember all that was said, but his being in a funk/rut was the reason behind his decision. There was absoultely no way talking him out of it, I asked him what I was supposed to say, that he didn't give me a choice in the matter...he stayed silent. I got up, started packing my things, then had a good cry. He continued to look at the floor. I eventually came out of my mourning, and got slightly angry, said a couple things directed at the fact that I hope he enjoys his decision, and that I loved him more than i have loved anyone else...which he knows....but that all I get in a return is I'm not happy so you have to go.

I don't know what to make of it. I mean there's lots one could do other than breaking up with your girlfriend....Weekend before showed nothing out of sorts, we saw a movie, were laughing and made plans to go out to dinner this weekend, he asked me to wear something pretty....As my good male friend put it "get rid of the deadbeat roommate, move apartments, do something other than leave the one good thing he's got going for him". I can understand not being happy...especially where he is at...he has a job he hates, his roommate has the mind capacity of a 6 year old and the cleanliness etiquette that makes a pig sty look like the hilton. Coming home every day to a filthy apartment, filled with smoke because the roommate can't figure out how to open a window as its too busy with its rear end plunked on the couch gaming. He's the only one that does the cleaning, the dishes would never get done if he didn't do them (I will clean up after he and I, but I refuse to play mother to the useless roommate).

I don't know how to approach this. At all. I don't know what I should be thinking or how to reason with him....but then with all the changes he could make, do I want to have someone that would drop me before dealing with other obvious issues?

I could use a hug.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 11:26pm

Consider yourself hugged.

And don't call him. Ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:52am

Welcome!


{{{HUG}}}

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 4:00pm

thanks for the hugs guys :)

I'm feeling a little better today, talked to my mom for a bit, which helped. I keep telling myself that its not me that was making him not happy , he's making himself unhappy and took it out on me. But its still hard; there are moments where i feel completly unlovable and alone. and then i am reminded of my friends' concern for me, and that I have my musical diversions to relieve my stress, i am slowly working towards my degree in history, i have a job I like, and that he's the one with nothing. but it still hurts.

i've decided to get a kitten. something cute and cuddly and makes me laugh. i keep telling myself that i am not going to sit and mope and cry over him...although i wanted to do nothing more than that last evening. i'm making plans, but the hard part will be keeping my resolve if he wants to talk. i'm going to have to eventually...he's got quite a few of my things at his place, although he would score a point or two by bringing them to me instead of me having to go get them. I still have a key, i just might go over one day when he's at work to collect them (we work at the same spot, so i know what his schedule is), that way i don't have to deal with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:43pm

Here is a big hug!!!! ( :

You wrote:
"There was absoultely no way talking him out of it, I asked him what I was supposed to say, that he didn't give me a choice in the matter...he stayed silent."

This resonates with me because I went through a similar thing 8 weeks ago. My guy took it upon himself to reach his own conclusions about "US" without involving me in the conversation. ANd like you, there were no blatant signs of impending breakup (no fights, bad arguments, cheating, etc.) It was shocking to me, and utterly painful, as it also is to you. When someone says that they are committed to working through stuff with you and then behaves in the exact opposite way of their words, there is little you can do except question their idea of commitment and their idea of honesty, integrity and sincerity. For me, it took moving cities and a lot of crying and hugs to gain a more objective perspective. After 8 weeks I've moved from the mostly sad stage to the pissed off stage at how unbelievably SELFISH my guy turned out to be. He was more wrapped up in HIS needs and HIS fears that he neglected to take care of my heart or my feelings. And then he ran away like a dog with his tail between his legs.

I'm sorry your guy after 1.5 years handled this situation the way he did. You cannot fix his life for him, if it in fact sucks that bad. The main thing here is that YOU RETAIN YOUR DIGNITY, DO NOT BEG FOR HIM TO TAKE YOU BACK, DO NOT KEEP CALLING OR EMAILING, DO NOT DOWNGRADE YOURSELF AND MOST IMPORTANTLY DO NOT THINK YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG OR THAT YOU'RE LESS OF A WOMAN BECAUSE A MAN DECIDED TO LEAVE YOU.
If he's worth his salt at all and if he is ready for a real relationship (which you deserve) then he will do what it takes to remedy the situation- he MUST initiate it as he is the one who has compromised it. If he doesn't, you have no choice but to cut your losses and move on without him. ANd by the way, it's not a loss if you choose to take lessons away from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 12:26am

Check out the thread on commitmentphobe men. I'm sure it doesn't help much to know that you are not alone - this appears to happen a lot. My ex did the same thing - twice. Everything was great, he was talking about the future. Then he drops the bomb - mind made up, no discussion.

I agree with the other posters to leave him alone. I didn't listen to my friends advice and unfortunately I learned the hard way. If he did it once, he'll do it again. As they told me - consider yourself lucky because it would be a lot worse if it happened once you were married with kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 1:25am
purpleshoes is right about checking out the commitmentphobe thread. notice if you see any of the signs in your ex-guy. basically, they run when the things are going well- not when they are going rotten. if it's going too well or they really see you as a potential "wife" something in these people triggers and they freak out. THis usually results in the person on the other end left totally CONFUSED and shocked. It's not a normal situation. You'll notice that both purpleshoes and I are both in that thread because it appears we've both been "hit" by one of these commitmentphobes more than once. ANyway, definitely check it out and maybe even buy the book if you do in fact see some signs. THe main thing, again, is to not blame yourself. If you treated him well, trusted his love and words, did not engage in physical/verbal abuse, were not clingy or overly jealous, then you did nothing wrong. In fact, that's the problem that these commitment phobes have. They go after women who are usually very bright, talented, good-looking because those are the qualities they really really want at heart but for some reason (their past more than likely) they are incapable of loving a woman they may really want. It's not your issue. Just know that as you cry and grieve.
Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 7:40am

Experience has taught me there is no such thing as an 'out of the blue' break up for the one who is doing the breaking. Though they may not say it, show signs of it or indicate it any other way, chances are, they didn't 'suddenly' decide to break up with someone the day they did the breaking.

The rough part, of course, is when no concrete or constructive reason is given, understanding what went wrong, when and how becomes the focus for the person who has been broken up on. And, sadly, often that person will look at their own self as the source or reason why the break up occured, blaming themself.

However, someone who can not take steps to work to resolve such matters, or provide a clear and honest answer as to why they are no happy, is not someone you want to be with in the long term. In all stages of a relationship, couples and individuals will have their ups and downs, will go through changes and will enevitably question their relationship at some point: by bailing out, sheepishly looking at the ground and mumbling 'I don't know', this guy has told you everything you need to know about his true value as a partner.

The challange for you is to not focus on the unknown, but to concentrate on what you do know: you are deserving of a caring, respectful and honest relationship, and someone who can provide those things to you. Looking backward at the past will only serve to remind you your ex was none of those things.

Don't plan or anticipate any contact, on either side: this guy told you all you need to know with his saying 'I don't know' - which is the verbal equivilent of silence. Continue to do good things for yourself, and be in the company of people who care for you, not someone who doesn't.

And most of all, remember that no matter how much it may hurt now and be confusing, one day, you will look back and say 'thanks for what you taught me, and thanks for the higher standards for myself that you helped me set.'

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:16am

"However, someone who can not take steps to work to resolve such matters, or provide a clear and honest answer as to why they are no happy, is not someone you want to be with in the long term."

You nailed it. It's hard to see it when you are going through it, but eventually you will realize it's true.

Also, remember that this is not your fault. The first time I went through it I kept going over what I could have done differently, what I did to make him end the relationship. The second time I knew it wasn't me, I didn't do anything wrong - this is his issue. Please remember that - this is not about you. I saw a t-shirt recently that summed it up and made me smile: "It's not me. It's you." :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:40am

Well said yourself!

The worst thing thing to do (although no doubt we have all done it at some point) is to try to make sense of nonsense - or try to interpret a non-answer or silence for more than what it is worth. It becomes a long and fruitless self battle, with the target normally being yourself - what you did wrong, what more you could have done, and so on.

It takes just one time to learn what a decent partner is made of, and what one isn't made of. No matter how bad things may be for the 'break up' side, if the best they can offer is a 'I dunno' or silence, accept their standards for what they are, don't blame yourself for their shortcomings, and set your standards higher the next time around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:36pm

thanks guys. really.

I've already made up my mind that if he wants me back, he's going to have to come after me and damn well work for it. And I haven't even decided if I'd take him back after all this. My dad got caught for DUI a month ago and my ex was there consoling me, telling me he loved me, wasn't going to leave me...etc etc...and here a scant month later he's telling me to go away. So which one is it? He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. He cannot have it both ways, and I don't want to put up with any sort of games.

I'm headed over there tomorrow after work to gather my things, and to address a few things with him that I think I have to if I'm going to feel ready to move on. From that point on the ball will be in his court, and I am promising myself that I will not do anything further. I plan on keeping myself quite busy for the next few weeks. I'm feeling okay with this...which kind of scares me, because what does that mean? Shouldn't I be more upset?

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