Break up Regret

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Break up Regret
6
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 8:02am
Hi all... It's been a while since I've been on the Ivillage boards, ironically, the last time was when my boyfriend and I were considering getting engaged. (We never did.) I'm finding it hard to believe I'm on a break-up board now. 
The background: I'm 40, my (ex) bf is 44, so we are not spring chickens. We were together for a year and a half, we talked, more often lately, of marriage and a future with no real timeline in mind.  And as of Sunday, we broke up. I need some insight, please. 
Our problems are this.. He is a teacher and a coach of many high school sports. He also lives about an hour away from me. Needless to say, he really hasn't had a lot of time to spend with me, and when we does, he doesn't  have the energy to help make it quality time. That is my complaint and has been since the beginning of our relationship, but I learned to deal with it. Just the past few weeks I've gotten a bit more resentful of his lack of making me a priority. It has made me very resentful of his coaching and I quit going to his games. He claims I'm not being supportive and it really hurt him when I didn't show up to a semi finals game that he was coaching. So much so, that he quit talking to me for 5 days. A bit immature for a 44 year old, I thought. I was angry. 
When he finally called me, we hashed everything out, apologized and went back and forth whether or not we should try to work things out. I was really unsure at that point if I wanted to keep the relationship. He kept asking, "Where do we go from here?" and I said I didn't know, and I asked his thoughts. He asked if we should take a step back, take a couple days to think about it and I told him no. That 5 days was long enough already to not speak and figure out what we wanted. We either commit to making it work or we should cut our losses. At that point, he told me that he didn't sense the enthusiasm in me to try to fix things, and then started talking about how meet up to do the trade backs of our stuff at eachother's houses. I reluctantly agreed, as I honestly didn't know what I wanted at that point. Deep down, I don't think he really wanted to end it right then, 
Fast forward to today (2 days later). I miss him terribly. I think I have a classic case of dumper's regret and I don't know what to do. It was really the first all out "fight" we've had in 1 1/2 years, and I regret not fighting harder to fix it. I haven't heard from him at all so I'm not sure if he's relieved it's over or if he's struggling with our decision, as well. I really regret not giving him the step back for us to cool off and think things over. I believe we would've overcome this. Now I wonder if too much damage has been done and maybe it's too late. I guess I'm looking for some insight. Should I contact him? Wait for him to contact me and if he doesn't, count my losses? I'm not even sure if I was the dumper or the dumpee. Basically, I want him back, to be honest.  Is that even possible after all this? I have no idea how he's feeling. 
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any comments and advice. 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 10:48am

I don't think you are regretting losing him, I think you are just in that uncertain stage of now you might not have a BF and you are nervous about starting over to find someone and maybe being alone.  But what would change?  He would still be working long hours and not making you a priority and you would be holding resentment.  So I think the only way to make it work is to change something--could you move closer to him?  Would he be willing to coach a little less?  (I doubt that if coaching is a big deal to him, plus he would be losing money).  I am a sports fan in general but I don't know if I would want to be spending my free time after work hanging out watching my BF's games that he coached--I probably would go to a playoff or big game, but if he did this several nights a week, which is likely cause most teams do have practice every night during the season, I'd think twice--well I think about when my DD was on the high school track team, they had practice every night but were home by dinner.  she only had meets maybe 1-2 nights a week.  So you really have to think about whether you can live like this WITHOUT RESENTMENT--because if you can't accept that this is the way he wants to live his life, there is really no point in trying to go back to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:23am
Thank you, Musiclover, for your reply and I apologize for just now getting back on here. I appreciate your thoughts. It has now been 8 days since the break up. I still want him back. I have a tid bit of information and I'm just wondering if you can give me your opinion on what this sounds like to you. You seem very honest and insightful. I saw my ex on Saturday. We both run marathons and we had a race on Saturday morning. My 2 girlfriends that I also run with, and I were looking for him at the start. I found him, alone, of course.( Before me, he always ran these races alone. We were supposed to run this one together.) I went right up to him and wished him good luck. Then I gave him a big hug. When I pulled away we were both teary eyed. He tried to hide it and just made a little small talk. (I sure had a lot going through my head for that race! ) After the race, he texted me to tell me how he did and asked how I did. I told him I was proud of him and then said that I did better than expected. I really thought the line of communication was open at that point but I haven't heard from him since. Left me confused. Last night I swallowed my pride and sent him an email. I literally just laid my heart on the line and opened up about what I've been feeling. I told him that I miss him and that I think he misses me, too. That I'm open to communicating and possibly working things out. I guess this is a big no no when trying to get the ex back, but I did it anyway, since I think I'm the one who really did the breaking up. I sent it about 10:30 last night. I can see that it was read at 10:39. But no reply as of yet. The ball is now in his court. I will not initiate contact again. So now I wait. I guess I don't really have a question, other than do you think it was a bad idea to send that email? As an outsider, knowing what I've told you, do you think he will eventually come around? I don't know how guys think. I hope he hasn't gotten over me and moved on in a week. Thanks for reading again. My mind is all scrambled and my heart is a mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:44pm

Honestly, I don't think he will come around--if he was hoping so much to get you back and you sent a text, then why wouldn't he have jumped at that opportunity?  I don't think it's that he moved on in just a week--you said things weren't going that great, so maybe he was thinking about ending it before it actually happened.  Keep reminding yourself that you weren't that happy when you were in the relationship--you should look for someone who has more time for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 8:45am
Thank you again, for your honesty and you are probably right. I did finally get a response yesterday from him. It basically said that he is overwhelmed that I still feel so much for him and surprised that I want to work things out. That it didn't seem like it the day we ended things. He left it to say " I am trying to get my thoughts and feelings in order to respond, and I will, once my head and heart are on the same page." I'm still hopeful, thinking that if he DIDN'T want it, he would've just said, "no, move on." or whatever. But he could just be trying to figure out how to let me down gently. Or maybe he's just not sure. Just seems like such a waste to break up after a year and a half, never having really hit a rough patch before this, and not trying to see if it's salvagable. At this point, I won't reply to what he said. I will just wait to see what he ultimately ends up saying. I just want it to be over, one way or the other. Thanks for listening to me rant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 10:25am
Musiclover.. You still out there?? Sorry to keep rambling about this but curious about something else and thought you could put this in perspective for me?? So, My ex responded to my email by saying that he would prefer to meet in person so we could talk about our thoughts and feelings instead of doing it through email or on the phone. I told hime that I think that's a good idea, that I was busy all week but I was available for theweekend. He said he was glad I accepted his offer to meet, as he was worried I wouldn't like that idea. I told him to just text me when he knew when this weekend would be good for him. This was on Tues. It's now Friday and I haven't heard from him at all. Here's the question... I think if he was just going to tell me that he's through with us, to move on, he woudn't want to see me in person. Also, like I've felt from the start, I really think he loves me still and would be open to getting back together. Well, why hasn't he contacted me for a time to meet? Also, at this point, if he does contact me and want to meet today or tomorrow, should I tell him that I'm busy since it's such last minute? I would really like to make plans incase he doesn't contact me, but I really hate to give up the chance to finally talk to him in person, if he does. This is so confusing and I wish we would just talk once and for all. Any insight?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2014
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