break ups always hurt!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
break ups always hurt!
8
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 11:30pm

hi everybody, i've been reading lots of your posts lately and have at least been encouraged in that i'm not suffering alone. your posts/responses have been a big help. i don't see many guys posting here, so i hope i'm not intruding.

i'm not sure what i'm looking to accomplish here, but perhaps just venting will help. my (ex)girlfriend and i spent 3 years together, which i'm certain were the best years of both our lives. we backpacked overseas numerous times and shared so many amazing experiences. we were best friends, we always did the little and big things for each other, never took each other for granted one second, had great and frequent sex, and generally made every moment count. for me it was my third really serious relationship and i was determined to never be lazy with it, never lie, and always appreciate it. i was (honestly) the best b/f i had ever been to anyone. and it gave me back sooooo much. she gave me back so much. i loved her. i had a ring, and i was on the doorstep of proposing after talking with her lots lately about our future. some of her background may be useful: she is younger (by 8 years), and i am her first really serious relationship. but i do know she loved what we had every bit as much as i did. (i think, at least ;p)

well, about 4 weeks ago she calls me at 1:30 in the morning (drunk) from a party, saying that i am holding her back. i never told her what she could/couldn't do, never acted jealous, and always told her i cared about her happiness whether it was with or without me. i was floored hearing that i was now "holding her back." i suppose it was the situation more than me. she wanted space. i said fine, hung up, and went to sleep really confused. the next day she emailed that she didn't want to risk losing me by taking space. that she made a mistake....she doesn't want space. i bought chinese food, rented a movie, and fell asleep with her in my arms.

over the next week she became more and more distant until i finally asked "am i what you want?" "yes, i honestly do, BUT i just don't think the timing isn't right right now." UGH. so i try to bargain with her over the next 3 weeks while we are on a break to make her see the light(emails, texts, please call me...etc etc etc). after seeing that that's not working, and i'm not functioning well either, i looked for help. read some books, found this site, took a deep breath.

last wednesday i sent an email admitting that i had been reacting to the break-up and not acting for myself. i admitted that i can't and shouldn't control her choices, feelings, emotions. they are hers. i can however control mine. i told her i was detaching from the obsessiveness of the break-up. i didn't cause it, i can't control it, i can't fix it. find ur happiness, like i always said. and i'll do my best to find mine.

since then she has been calling/texting etc... but not to say she has reconsidered. just small/meaningless stuff. "Hey, does the amazing race start tomorrow?" (i'm a HUGE fan!) i haven't picked up the calls, or responded to the texts, even though every bit of me wants to. i miss her dearly, but have no idea where "we" are headed. i don't know what to do from here. she called friday (something she didn't do once during the previous 3 week bargaining period), text on saturday, 2 texts yesterday, and just called and texted today while i'm typing this (swear to God). in fact, the text today is the first direct question to which my no response could be considered rude. the others were more like "hi, hope ur day is going good! =)" is this my window of hope? do i keep up the NC for a while and work on myself? do i return unimportant texts/messages with equally unimportant stuff to keep the chat lines open? i never thought i'd be confused about her or "us".

michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:27am

Hi Michael!

Pianoguy knows how an 'age difference' can affect a relationship. So he understands what you're currently going through.

Two things to kick around....if you want to?

1. You are the FIRST LOVE for this woman. Whether she has true feelings for you or is just looking for the security of having a b/f....only the lady knows for sure? So this is probably the reason you're receiving text messages, phone calls, and emails that are meaningless? Your g/f needs some reassurance that you'll always be there if she needs you?

2. It's entirely possible her g/f's have told her 'not to settle on the first one' and this woman has decided to "EXPLORE HER OTHER OPTIONS?"

What you need to ask yourself HONESTLY is this:

"Do I love this woman enough to put up with her change of heart and a few of her quirkly habits?"

Depending upon your response....you'll know whether to keep this relationship going...or just end it?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 8:26am

I am just guessing here based on a similar thing that happened to me once, but I'd say when she was at that party she probably met someone she found interesting. Either that or, as you said, her friends were working on her, telling her things... Something is going on that you aren't seeing. I'm not saying you can't respond to her text messages and whatnot, but the question right now is what do you need? Does responding to her make it harder for you? Knowing how women are, I wouldn't worry that not responding is going to push her away. If anything it'll make her want you more (although by no means do I think you should do it on purpose). It's possible this is just a case of "cold feet," if you've been seriously talking about marriage with her, and it's far better for her to get it now than after you've already proposed. Just be patient... If she's truly yours, she'll come back to you, but be prepared for her to possibly come back to you and leave again several times before she makes her mind up for sure.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:18am

I'm currently in a situation similar to yours. My bf of 5 years did pretty much the same thing. Made up a lame excuse about why we couldn't be together (even though he still loves me) and broke it off. I think that both he, and your girl, got cold feet. And he did the same thing, he wanted to be friends so he kept calling and emailing, just little meaningless things. And I responded for awhile, until I realized that I was no longer getting anything from the relationship and it was only causing me pain. It was all take, and no give, on his part. I don't know if you gf is like this, but it sounds like she might be. But let me say, that it is not fair for you to be jerked around like this. As the weeks go on, and the drama continues, you're just going to wear yourself out and drain yourself emotionally. She needs her time to grow up, and you need some time to do what is best for you. I recommend telling her that you need her to be kind, and cut you out of her life. No more calls, no more texts, etc. Not only do you deserve your space, but it may show her the harsh reality of life without you. Tell her that if she changes her mind, to give you a call. But until then, you need space and time so you can move on with your life. And trust me, it's hard. I cut my ex off on Monday, and it was hard, but it's also such a relief to know that the drama is done and the rollercoaster is over. Go ahead and leave the door open to her if she wants to come back to you, seriously, in the future. But for now, tell her this, "You made your choice. We're over and I'm gone." You deserve better than to be jerked around like this.

Good luck to you, and always remember that there are others in the same boat, by your side, ready to reach out a steadying hand.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:05pm

thanks for your kind words of encouragement everyone. : ) funny, since i've stopped responding to her i actually got an emotion from her! i know she feels SOMETHING about this break-up, but as the one who left, she has shown little/none of these feelings to me. the text last night (a direct question "does the amazing race start tomorrow?"), left unanswered by me, caused a follow up where she was either mad or just annoyed at my silence ("never mind, i will find out elsewhere.") so now i'm the jerk? it sucks getting nothing real from an ex for a month, then the one emotion i do finally get is frustration/anger when i go silent.

she knows that i love her. she knows that i need my own time. i told her all these things in my "i'm detaching from you" email. i'm not sure if i should remind her of this again in a short email, now that she knows i'm serious about NC, or just let it ride as it is now, stay silent and let it slowly dawn on her that i'm not going on this rollercoaster with her. it's an interesting line between holding your ground and not pushing the ex away by seeming rude.

best
~michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:04pm

I really don't think you should be worried that she is upset you didn't respond to her texts.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:37pm

so i sent a brief email... "i need you to cut me out completely. not trying to be rude, but contact with you isn't helping. gotta take care of myself. call me if things change on your end. otherwise take care." or words to that effect. she zips back a response "fine, as of today, consider yourself cut out of my life completeley."

ouch. so cold. i know that's what i asked for, but why would she even bother to respond? do they always need the last word? is this a power game? whatever. nothing to do now but ride it out, take care of myself, and move on.

wash. rinse. repeat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:17pm

Wow, that was cold.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:28pm

Hi Michael,

Having been a dumper before, I can only tell you that your ex-girlfriend sounds like an immature spoiled princess to me.

Here's what I think is going on in her mind: she wants to keep you around as a cushion to fall back into in case she can't find anyone else more interesting than you. Your pulling away makes her scared, triggers her fear of losing control, and forces her to realize she's faced with an uncertain future (whether to have a boyfriend or not). And that fear makes her act angry as a way of manipulating you, hoping the guilt will make you crawl back to her doorsteps. I apologize if that sounds harsh on her, but I had those similar selfish thoughts when I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and I had to control myself from acting on them and causing more heartache to a great man. I broke up with my ex because there were a few incompatibility issues and I needed some time to decide what I really wanted, but I was desperately scared of losing him permanently while not being able to find anyone else. So yes I had the urge to do everything that your ex did in order to keep him “around.” However, I decided not to because I knew my intentions were selfish; they were all for “my” benefits and not his. He deserves someone who can love him with all her heart. Anyway, so I told him up front that as much as I wanted to stay in touch with him just as a friend, it was up to him to decide if he wanted to do so.

I hope that helped :-) As the other posters say, you have to decide what you want and what you can handle. You have to take care of yourself first. It is sad that she’s crossing the line and causing more confusion than necessary, but that helps your job of deciding what’s good for you a little more challenging and interesting, doesn’t it? :-).

Take care,
-icuryy




Edited 2/28/2006 4:29 pm ET by icuryy3007