The break up was my fault

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
The break up was my fault
5
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:15pm

My boyfriend of a year dumped me last week, 2 days before our anniversary (and dropped off everything I'd had at his place ON our actual anniversary). I was and am shocked, shattered and devastated.

It was all my fault. I repeated the exact same patterns that have been the downfall of every single relationship I've ever had (picking fights for absolutely no reason, being manipulative). For a year he was incredibly supportive and understanding--I've never had someone treat me so well. But of course he'd always ask that I treat him better, he'd say the only thing he wanted was for me to treat him well, like I loved him, and I would always promise to change.

A few months ago, he started getting more frustrated with nothing changing, and as usually I made a bunch of empty promises. The final straw was last week when I accused him of lying about a business dinner though he has never, not once, given me reason to distrust him. He ended up forwarding the email with all the mtg details, including the string from everyone that responded. Then he called me at my office and told me he'd had enough.

I love him more than I've ever loved someone, and I don't know how to get over this since it's all my fault. We talked about getting married, having children, growing old together. There's no anger, just soul-crushing regret--not just for the break up, but for hurting him someone that meant the world for me, the one who fought for this as long as he could only to have me still destroy everything.

I've decided to start seeing a therapist to figure out why I treat people closest to me this way (I'm the same way to my family), a step no other break up has prompted, but I just don't know how to get over this when I brought it all on the both of us.

All I want to do is scream I love you, I'm so sorry, I'm really going to change this time (and I believe I really will, I'm committing myself to this in everyway), but I know he can't believe me. Do I go full-throttle and show him how serious I am, that he means everything to me and has inspired me to get the help I need? Or do I just try to move on, and if so how?? There's no looking back and saying I'm better off, he always went above and beyond for me. I absolutely hate myself.

Edited 3/7/2007 4:46 pm ET by gal_astoria




Edited 3/7/2007 4:52 pm ET by gal_astoria
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:02pm

Hi gal_astoria,


Actions speak louder than words.... but I have one word for you, counseling, counseling, counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:30pm
I feel your pain. I recently experienced a very hard break up that was also all my fault. If you truly love him, you know that you right now (in this state of hurting those close to you) you cannot be with him, it's selfish of you to subject him to that kind of pain. However, I think this man must be a good guy for sticking with you for that long, and obviously loves you if he seriously considered marriage and children, so there is still a chance. If you have truly committed to changing, then I'd say write him a letter (not an email) or meet him for coffee to discuss your plans for change. Don't go crazy and beg for him to come back, but calmly tell him that you have been stupid, and now am seeing a therapist. Tell him you want what is best for him (which is what love is) and you may need a while to get your issues straightened out, but you figure he's too important to just let go of. While you're in the process of changing, don't date other people (obviously!). Before you guys try again, just make sure you are not going to hurt him again. Tell him that change however, requires patience, and that he should calmly remind you if you begin to fall back in you your old behavioral patterns.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:31pm
and dont hate yourself, it doesn't do anything for either party. Providence has a hand in it all, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 1:21pm
everyone i talk to gives me advice about listing all the bad qualities about my ex to help get over it, but what if there are none? it's not just missing him that makes me say that, i mean--he was WONDERFUL to me, there was never anything i could really fault him for. everyone one here seems to talk about getting dumped out of the blue...he gave me at least a dozen second chances, he offered to go to couples therapy, but i was finally too much for him. how do i get over it when i know i ruined the greatest thing i'll ever have?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:34pm

In that case you have to go with the tried and true "we just weren't right for each other"--and you weren't, because if you were, he would have been able to deal with you as you are. But since you recognize that your behavior was not healthy, I'm glad to hear you're committed to change (which means you're going to counseling, right?). Becoming healthier means that you'll be able to attract a healthy partner who will be right for you. You just weren't there yet--and timing is a huge part of being right for each other.

Sheri