BREAK UP WAS A YEAR AGO and not over it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
BREAK UP WAS A YEAR AGO and not over it!
5
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 2:03am
Hi all,



Here's the situation in as much of a nutshell that I can put it in...

I met my boyfriend when I was 21 years old. He's a year older. We were together for 5 years. We lived together for most of our relationship. We ALWAYS argued when we were together. We had an extreme relationship. During our time together, we would either be incredibly loving and affectionate or bitterly sour and argumentative. We broke up. I came out and was the one who said we should break up. I didn't want to. I wanted to fix things, but he was growing increasingly distant, argumentative, and just didn't want to deal with "us." I realized he didn't have the guts to break up with me and was being an incredible jerk to me so that I would finally realize that I would have to initiate the break up.

That was a year ago. He knows that I would like to get back together but not to a relationship like it was before. I want to communicate and see if we can reach a compromise and achieve balance in a relationship. But he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

Right after the break up, it was incredibly painful and we had no contact with each other for about 3 months. But now, we talk every day. He sleeps over often, somemtimes every night in a week. We are still intimate. He has not slept with anyone else since we broke up.

He has recently just been on one date with a girl he says that he might like to consider really dating. I broke down. I told him how I felt and that it really hurt me. I told him that it hurts that there is a possibility of things working with someone else besides me.

We haven't discussed this other girl since his date with her. I don't know how often they talk or if they've gone out again. I'm afraid to ask. I do know, though, that if he were to sleep with her, he would tell me and not sleep with me any more.

Since our break up a year ago, I've met a few guys, but no one I could really get interested in.

What am I doing? Should I initiate a discussion about us with my ex? I haven't because I know what he'll say and I know I won't like it.

I love him and I just want to be in a HAPPY relationship with him. He doesn't want to put in the effort because he thinks things should just come easy if they are meant to be.

What should I do? Should I just keep things going like they are and see if he ever decides to bring up the discussion of us? Should I initiate the discussion even though I know he'll feel like I'm just putting pressure and stress on him to discuss it.

Thanks in advance for your feedback. I know that I am turning a blind eye to a lot of things and that I may have false hopes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:06am
Yes, you should talk to him about this strange situation. Are you still sleeping together?. He is just using you, it is easy for a guy to have sex with any emotional attachments and it seems that he is just taking advantage of the way you feel about him.

Put it an end, start respecting yourself. He has shown no real interest in having a commitment with you, so why should he change now?. He will never change, our love is not enough to change anybody, it is just a myth. What men really want is the excitement of a new relationship, a new girl, new ways to have sex, no committments, and then when they get old then they start thinking about setting down.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:17pm
When I first saw the header for your topic, I initially thought that maybe you still had it bad for him after a year's time even though you had no contact of any kind.

Kyra, I can almost guarantee you that if you had completely let go of him a year ago, which also means *no contact of any kind*, you would've been over him by now. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't still think about him from time to time, but all the pain, frustration and sadness you're feeling now would not be a part of the picture.

What I see from what you've described is very typical male behavior. When they are in an exclusive relationship but still wish to date other women, oftentimes they'll initiate an abrupt break-up knowing full well their girlfriend still wants to work things out. If the girlfriend leaves herself open for continued communication and sex, he'll work that to his advantage too but still begin dating other women. Meanwhile, the girlfriend leaves herself open and vulnerable to him with the hope of an eventual reconcilation.

Nevertheless, the bottom line is that you desire a relationship with a man who is emotionally immature and doesn't understand what it means to be in a real relationship. And frankly, I feel sorry for the new girl because she doesn't have a clue as to what he's really all about. But since you do, you need to forget about him. You can't change him and you can't make him love you and only you.

Find a real man who will love you and want to be with you through the ups and downs of a relationship.

All the best,

Heymum




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 11:44am
Sweetie, I know you really love him....but you're going about this all wrong. You started out fine...you broke up with him and had no contact for 3 months and that was good....but then you changed and started acting more like a couple which is why you're having such a hard time getting over him. Why would he want a relationship when he can have all the benefits and no strings attached...he can be with you *and* this other girl because he's not commited...and as long as you let him get away with this he will continue to do it. I do think you should talk to him...tell him you can't go on like this anymore because you still love him and it's too painful to see him with other girls. Ask him to take some time to decide what he really wants....a relationship with you or with someone else. And don't have any contact with him in the meantime. If he wants to be with you great...but if he doesn't he probably wouldn't have anyway....he would have just continued to use it...let's face it...that's what he's been doing. No matter what you decide we're here to help. I wish you the best....please let us know how it goes.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 5:14pm
Hi Kyra,

Having just been through a breakup myself, I know how difficult it is to let go. But it pains me to hear how this immature guy is making you feel confused and undervalued.

Let him go. He wants to have his cake and eat it too and it's completely unfair to you. I can certainly understand your desire to have a "happy" relationship with him, unlike the one the two of you shared in the past. But in order for that wish to come true, he would have had to do a lot of maturing, and that clearly hasn't happened. Recognize, too, that probably what you are longing for are the joyful moments you once experienced with him -- but those moments were not the whole story. You broke up a year ago for a reason, and that reason still exists.

Allow yourself to surrender this relationship and move on. I guarantee you will you feel so much lighter, and eventually you will open yourself to happiness with someone who loves and supports you.

take care,

toriphile

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 4:25pm
Well girl I am kinda in the same situation that you are in. Me and you have the exact same story. It has been two months since we have broken up. He recently told me that he is seeing someone else. That just broke my heart totally. You just got to see as if he wanted to be with you it would have already happened. But maybe with time he will come back since you and him have been togethor for a long time.

Melanie