Break-up - what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Break-up - what now?
10
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:47pm

Hi there,

First of all, I apologise in advance if parts of this email are a bit rambling and unclear. I am in a lot of pain at the moment, and confused.

I would dearly like to get some advice from the people on this board. My bf of just under 2 years and I broke up at the weekend. I now have major worries and pain in several areas. Please feel free to give advice on however many areas you want. I will be really really grateful for any advice. This post will be long, so please please bear with me. Thank you so much in advance!

Ok, area 1. My bf. I miss him. Really, truly, viscerally miss him. His smell, sound, look, personality, everything. The thought of never seeing him again, touching him again, cuddling with him, all that breaks my heart. He had this way of looking at me that made my heart melt. He was upbeat, happy, optimistic, energetic, clever, ambitious, great fun, with a great personality and strong family values. I loved the way he would sometimes have these great big belly laughs. I loved his little quirks. I loved who he was and how he was and what he did.

He was my second bf, and the first one I physically fancied like mad, who I had amazing sexual chemistry with. I sometimes would just look at him and think that he was the most amazing-looking, sexiest guy on this earth (he isn’t, of course, compared to many other men in the world, but *I* thought – and still think - that he is; he himself thinks he is average-looking, not a stunner but not ugly either, he is happy with how he looks) and have this warm feeling inside. He had a high sex drive (he is 21 now), and fancied me like crazy too. He always told (and also showed) me how sexy I was, that I was pretty, beautiful, that he wanted me, wanted to hold me and touch me, that he loved me, that I was funny and made him feel all warm inside, all that stuff. He sent me sweet text messages and emails. He made me feel wanted and desired. My first bf did NONE of that, we were more like very good friends who loved each other deeply but with no real physical connection, and my current ex showed me how much I like it when a guy is sexual and affectionate, and has no problem showing you that. God, I will miss that, cos I realise how rare that is between two people.

Also, he is blonde, which I have always wanted in a guy. Call me shallow, but I prefer blonde men, don’t know why, I just do. And blonde men are rare, so even if I meet blonde men I cannot know if I would actually fall in love with them. I would not want to rule out men based on their hair colour, that is shallow, but I still prefer blonde guys physically. And (sorry, this might be a bit too much information, and I don’t want to put people off reading, so I hope I won’t!!) he was just the right size down below (and he was not off-the-chart by any means, or anything like that). God, this sounds horrible shallow to say, and I profusely apologise for saying it, but we just seemed to be a perfect match in our physical desire for each other, and I loved the fact that we had such an energetic love life. We were both open with each other about what we liked in bed, he had loads of energy (my first bf had almost no energy and was quite open about the fact that he did not intend to do anything about that), he was physically strong, which I found very sexy because he could just pick me up and carry me around for ages, and his physical strength made me feel female and protected for some reason, and I loved the fact that I could make him feel so good when we made love. Am I shallow for admitting that now I know what a great love life can be like, I would want to have that in a relationship?

So yes, I will have get to terms with the fact that the person I loved, fancied like mad, wanted to share a life with and have children with, will not be there anymore. That he will give himself to someone else, and have all the things with them that I had with him. And I just don’t think anyone will ever compare to him again.

He broke up with me because he said he just didn’t think we were a good enough match. He is 21, I am 27. He feels that once he wants children (in 8 years or so) I would be too old for them. I don’t feel that, as I don’t think I will want children until I am in my mid-30s – I have a lot of other things that I need to do before I would feel emotionally ready for children. But he thinks I would be too old, pure and simply. Second, I went to college late, at 22, through factors I could not control. Finished at 26, then got a job that low-paid because I thought I wanted to do a doctorate and wanted to take a year out beforehand to earn some cash first. Then I decided not to do the doctorate and have since decided to go to med school and become a doctor (have wanted to do this for a long time, but only now would I actually be able to do it financially because of my age and having been financially independent for long enough to get funding). So, that would mean that out of my 20s, I would have been working for 2-3 years at not particularly high pay. And my ex thinks that both partners need to be earning a good salary for most of their twenties to be able to afford a good life when they start a family. And I did not earn enough to tick that box.

So, when the initial passion and madly-in-love feeling started to fade a little, he started to look at our “compatibility” with a more logical eye, and did not think that we were a good enough match (because of my age and earning history/med plans).
It hurts so much to hear that someone does not want you anymore because he thinks you don’t fit together that well. That that lack of fit makes them love you less until there is not enough love there anymore to continue the relationship.

Area 2: my friends. Everywhere you hear that you should spend time with family and friends after a breakup, surround yourself with people who love you, all that. Now, I think I don’t have that. Takes a hard time to see who your friends are, and I am now seeing things that hurt and worry me. Why?

Firstly, my family live in another country (I moved to the country I live in now when I was 20, I am 27 now). So I can’t just visit them and get support from them. I can call them, but my dad is useless at talking about relationship breakups (I am sorry to say that, because I love my dad, but he just isn’t the sort of person who would be able to be of much help with my breakup), and my mum just says the things everyone says (“yes, it hurts, but you will get over it”). I just get the feeling that she doesn’t really know what to do and say when I am upset. So I try not to call them about this, as it seems pointless.

Secondly, my friends. Now, my best friend lives in the same country as my parents. Whenever I have mentioned problems with my bf before, she just doesn’t seem interested, as she has problems of her own and now enough emotional energy to spare I think. So I would not talk to hear about this break-up. My other friends I have made at college. One guy I lived with, and he moved back to his home country after college, so I see him once every year or two. Another guy I met on my course, and he is great, says he will always be there for me. The thing is: I have the feeling that there is only so much support he will give before he will think “right, enough now, just snap out of it and get back to normal, so I can get on with my life and not spend time thinking about your problem”. Another female friend, who says she is my friend, seems similar. They were nice in the few days immediately after the break-up, but then it tailors off. Aren’t friends meant to want to see you happy? This makes me so angry, so I am sorry if I find this hard to put into words…

Basically, I think that people don’t want to be friends with me. That I have nothing to offer as a friend. That they look at me and think “no thanks, not pretty/well-off/interesting/funny/ambitious/etc enough to make me want to be friends with her, as I would get nothing out of the friendship”. So the ones who are friends say they are, but as soon as something happens where they need to show it, they only show it for long enough to not seem uncaring or impolite. There does not seem to be any patience, more like a quiet expectation such as “I have done my bit, been nice to you, now please just stop being unhappy so I don’t have to waste energy on you anymore and can go back to my own life and friends”. It’s as though they are being nice to prove to themselves that they are a good friend, not because they actually care about me. I want them to be there for me, to understand that I cannot get better in a week, that saying “I know it hurts, that is normal, it will get better” and then not checking on how I am doing is not what friends are meant to do. Another girl who says she is my friend, cancelled plans for several evenings with other people to stay home with her roommate and sit with her and hug her and let her cry when that roommate’s bf went travelling for a year and the roommate was really unhappy about that. She would never in a million years have done that for me. With me, it would have been meeting me for a coffee, listen to me, telling me it will be ok, and then nothing more (unless I ask to meet her again). And this seems to be the case with all the people who say they are my friends. They will listen, yes (if I ask to meet them, they would not call me and ask how I am), then tell me it will get better, and then nada. So I make the first step, they do as little as possible, then sit back feeling that they have done their bit and the rest is up to me. Is that fair? When they have problems and they ask me to listen, I do, and would happily meet them as often as they needed to (not that they would ask that, they have other friends for that).

So, technically speaking, I have no friends who really truly care about me, are willing to be patient with me if my healing process does not go as quickly as planned, who are just there for me because they like me and want to be there for me. I have noone to do that for me. Noone. I am alone, emotionally and physically. And that hurts and scares me more than even losing my bf.

These people are basically just lying to me, and lying to themselves, when they say they are my friends and that they are there for me. For some reason they spend time with me, yes, but I feel like a minor friend, not worthy enough of care or longer-term support. That I am not that important in the first place, but not unimportant enough not to see, so they do the bare minimum that they can get away with. I just have the feeling that I cannot ask them to be there for me as friends in case it takes me longer than a few weeks to heal (and it will!). I have read that some people take months or even a year to fully heal after a break-up. There is no way my friends will be that patient with me, so there will be a point after which I will be on my own.

Whenever I think about my friends now, and how I seem to get treated as not enough by others, makes me so incredibly angry at the moment. I am scared that eventually I will snap with all this anger and drive everyone out of my life. And then really be alone.

Area 3: my life. My job sucks and does not pay well. I will be going to med school in a year, hopefully, so that detail does not bother me too much as I know I will be earning a decent salary when done. What bothers me is that my ex works in a company where most employees are in their twenties, and many are recent college grads. They are all still trying to settle in in a new city, and very willing to meet people, and my ex is right in the middle of that. Where I live and work (college town), most people are only there for their degree only, or have lived here for a long time with families and friends of their own, without the desire to meet new people. I thus find it hard to meet new people, and I myself will also move away in a year. It will be years before I will be able to stay in the same place, as my ex is doing now, and develop friendships with people who also will be staying in that place for a good while. By then I will be in my 30s, and people my own age will then have started families, and again I won’t be able to meet other people.
ALL my ex’s friends from college have moved to the same city as him. So he sees them regularly. All the people I know from college have moved to lots of different places (mainly due to the jobs they do; my ex’s friends do jobs that are best done in the city they all now live in). So, my ex has a fantastic social life, lives in a great city, has a great job with good pay, and can start to enjoy life and build one for himself, knowing that whoever he meets will not move away. When I meet someone new, it is likely that they will not be living here anymore in a few years, and they are often either much younger or older than me. People my own age don’t live in my town, and if they do it’s because they have settled down and started a family. When I am able to settle down and start working, like my ex is doing now, people will all have families and spend time with them, and have no time to spend meeting new people. I cannot see a way around this, I seem to have lost before I have even started. And then I think “Why me? What have I done wrong to get all the bad cards in life?” Not a helpful attitude, I know, but I can’t help feeling like that.

I want what my ex already has: a good job, friends my own age that will not move away, a social life, a family, all that. And it looks unlikely that I will get it. All because he is young enough, and has finished college early enough, and is a good enough person for people to want to be his friend. He will have so many opportunities to shape a life that I will not have anymore. If I meet people younger than me, they will think I am odd because of what I earn at 27. If I meet people my own age, they will think I have no ambition because of my salary. They will have houses, savings, all that, and I would not be able to match them. I would be like a kid trying to play with adults, and if I tried to play with the kids instead, the ones who have as little as I do, they would think I am too old to play with them.

I mean, it basically comes down to this. My ex and my finished college the same year. So technically we are at the same stage: first job, decide what you want to do with your life, start to build a life, all that. My ex can do that because he is the right age, lives in the right place, meets loads of people who are in the same position. I am too old, live in the wrong place, and meet people who are my age but at a much later stage, or at the same stage but much younger than me and not interested.

What to do? I have no idea at all. I really hope though that I can manage to sort this area out, and not hope that a nice by-product of persuing my dream job (being a doctor)would be that it will make me happy. It is not clever to pin life happiness on a job. I am not doing medicine as a cure to all my problems, but I pray that I don't start thinking now that if I focus all my energy on med school I will be happy. I know that a job can't solve your problems. I hope I can solve these and then enjoy medicine for what it is.

Area 4: my future family. My ex would have made the perfect father. He has known for years that he wants a family: that is the main priority in his life, and he will make a natural father – I have never met anyone who has known that strongly that a loving family of his own is what he wants most out of life (I met him when he was 19. and he felt like that even at that age). His parents were great parents, loving yet firm, and they brought him and his siblings up beautifully, giving them self-confidence and the feeling that life will be good and worth living. My ex wants to recreate that in a family of his own, and I want such a family for my own children as well, but am not sure I would be able to provide as good a family environment as my ex’s parents did. My own parents did an ok job (I didn’t turn out too bad or messed up), but that happy family life that my ex had I never had. And I want it for my children. So having children with my ex would have guaranteed that, as he would have been able to show me how to raise kids successfully and help me along the way. Now, what if I start a family with a guy who is as clueless as I am? Who can’t set them boundaries, be strict when you need to be without making them feel unloved? We would mess our kids up, and I don’t want that for them. I want to be with someone who can do for them what I can’t do. I can give birth to them, love them, all that, but I am afraid I cannot raise them well.

I really worry about that. I feel that own my own, I am not capable of having the life I want. I need to “club together” with the right people to achieve the life I would like (i.e. have a house, a family, friends, all that). And that I am not good enough to want those people to club together with me. Because they can do much better, so why waste time with me?

So, this break-up has brought up loads of issues, and I have read in more than one post that you need to deal with these issues to heal properly. If you don’t deal with them, they will come back and be even more painful. So I guess now is the time, while I am young enough to spend time sorting them out and still have time left to meet someone I love deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. There still seems to be a fair number of single men in their mid to late twenties, choice gets reduced somewhat once you are in your mid-thirties.

I see a counsellor, and she is helpful, but she cannot make the pain stop that I have lost my bf, give me friends who care about me, make me younger, or stop this immense feeling that I might as well give up now because it will not work out as I am not capable of making it work out. That my ex was that chance of a perfect life, and he has decided I am not worthy of aligning with, and that he will have that perfect life with someone else who deserves it more.

I am aware that there are reasons why the break-up might have been for the best: if someone does not love you anymore, there is nothing at all you can do about it, only accept it and move on. Period. Also, my bf was sometimes not as supportive as I would have liked (like when my cat or grandma died). And sometimes I would have liked if we would have found it easier to talk about things in general. This was hard, because if I knew more about something than him, he would change the subject as he did not want to feel stupid – even though I never made him feel like that, he just didn’t like knowing less than me. If he knew more about a topic, he would get exasperated that I didn’t know as much as him and change the topic as well. As there were not many topics were we knew the exact same things, our conversations tended to be a bit superficial and stick to everyday topics. And that bothered me, as I like talking to people and either telling them something new or being told something I didn’t know. My ex preferred conversations where both people knew the same amount, and he has these conversations with most of his friends and workmates – they are on the same knowledge level when they talk. I see conversations as a chance to share your own knowledge and learn new stuff. My ex was a bit different in that respect.

Also, he was a person who did not like a negative attitude in people, or people doing things wrong. So, as an example, if I’d struggled with the children, say, I would not have felt comfortable admitting that to him for fear of thinking he thought I was incapable. I obviously don’t know that it would have been like that, but it was just a feeling that it might. That I would have to have avoided being weak. And sometimes I can’t help being weak, and I don’t want to be judged for it or loved any less. I want to be supported instead.

But whenever I try to give myself reasons for thinking that maybe the breakup might have been for the best in some respects, I start to think: “but I've experienced him being really loving and supportive, and surely if I had been better and more suitable for him, he would have loved me deeply, and it would have been ok to be weak sometimes, and he would have loved me the same and been supportive, and none of the horrible things I think he might do (like the children thing in the last paragraph, or not being a supportive husband) would have actually happened”. And that makes it hard to believe myself when I say “maybe the breakup was for the best”.

He is sad that it did not work out, but the fact that he has friends, know that they like him, that he will meet someone else who he will love way more than me, that he can have the great life and family he wants, that he enjoys living, will make it easier for him to move on. I, on the other hand, have been guilty of ignoring the issues that have now come up, thinking "doesn't really matter if I feel my friends don't really care, my bf cares and that is enough", or "doesn't matter if I am not confident I can raise a family well, I can do that with him and learn from how he does it and not screw my kids up".

And maybe ignoring those issues was my mistake, and I am now paying the price. By being unable to move on because I am filled with self-disgust, negativity, the feeling that I am not someone people want as a friend, and the thought that I am not good enough for anyone and will never find anyone who I will love and want as much as him. And who will love and want me. And that the person I thought was all that I wanted in a guy no longer wants me.

My ex basically thinks: I have lost someone I loved and cared about, and am sad that my feelings changed and it didn't work out, but I have friends who like me, I am an ok and likeable person, I have a good job and am in a position (geographically and financially) to create the life I want, and will meet someone one day who I will want to marry and who I will love deeply. So although it hurts and I am sad, I will be ok in the end.

I basically think: noone likes and values me enough to want me as a friend, I have missed too many opportunities in life and now it is too late to create the life I want, I am incapable of making a good life for myself, my career is not yet sorted, and I will not again find someone who will have all the qualities I would want in a man.

I am aware that the level of hurt and worry is way out of proportion to the breakup. I mean, it’s not at though we were married for years, or engaged, or anything like that. Any other 27-year old would probably have said to herself “he is just 21, still growing and maturing, doesn’t love me anymore, and there were things about him that were not all that perfect. So yes, it hurts like hell and I will miss him, but there will be someone else who will be just as good, and when I meet him I will look back at this breakup and think that it was for the best”. She would hurt for a bit and then start to move on. I am hurting all out of proportion because this break-up has brought up issues I need to deal with now, because otherwise they will come back at a later point and hurt even more. I hurt because of the loss of the relationship and the dreams and hopes I had for it, and I hurt for the lack of a life and my feelings that I cannot get one on my own. My only consolation is that at least if I deal with these issues now I will still be young enough afterwards to have plenty of chances to meet available men – much more singles in their late twenties than mid-thirties!

But I would dearly like to have genuine support from my friends and family while trying to deal with my situation, and feel like I won’t have that. And that scares me to death, and makes me very sad as well.

What shall I do? I feel like a giant mess, with too many issues to sort out. How can I stop the negative thinking, and feel hope again? Where do I even *start*?

Thank you so much for any advice you might have, and thank you for reading to the end (if you are still awake).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:15pm

wow....that was long, but i'm not one to talk, i write a lot too..lol. First i have to say please BREATHE......that's the first thing. there are so many issues/fears/stresses going on in your head that you seem to be really overwhelmed by it all......which is perfectly normal, i've been there. you really need to breathe, take a step back and deal with one thing at a time. you touched on so many areas, i'm not sure where to start.

the first thing i wanted to address because it had me concerned is your "need" to be with someone and your "need" to have that "perfect" life......there is no such thing. but, i know how difficult it is NOT to compare your life to others around you(people you know, and don't know too). i've been there not too long ago and still find myself doing that once in a while, but i'm slowly getting better. i'm 28, and it is hard not to look at others our age and see what they have and what we don't have......good career, house, husband, children, pets etc.....BUT, i had to finally look at myself and examine/figure out why i felt like this.....what were MY issues surrounding this, what can i do to work on these issues...etc. i know you've heard this before, so i apologize if it sounds redundant. I think your on the right track because you got the first step under your belt which is realizing there are issues here you need to deal with...BUT you can't stop there, that's only the first step. what also had me concerned is that you mentioned that at least you realized you had issues now before it was too late or you were too old to find a mate(not in those words, i know).....that really gave me goose bumps....how about you're glad that you realize you have these issues, and you're going to work on it for YOU, for personal growth, wisdom, knowledge, so YOU could live a fulfilled and happy life, so that you won't NEED someone in your life....until you can look at healing that way, and if you continue to look at it, in terms of being in a rush to be with someone, i don't believe you will truely be able to heal. another thing is that you talk about someone not loving you or finding someone who will love you......well, i know you've heard this many times, but i have to say it....until you can truely love yourself, you will not find love.

i really do know how it feels to be negative, and compare your life to others. i would look at perfect strangers driving next to me, or i'd look around at people at the gym, and i would just assume that all of their lives were sooooooo much better than mine, and it would get me really down and deppressed. i would assume they had a great social life, lots of friends, great boyfriend, great job, a house, etc.....i really had no clue who these people were, but these were thoughts that seriously flooded my mind and would put me in a really depressive state...i couldn't even tell you how i slowly stopped thinking this way.....one thing forsure...prayers/God, i could not do this alone...God doesn't magically make your problems dissapear, or take all your pain away for good(yes, many times God has eased my pain), God, guides you to recognize/realize what it is you need/need to do in order to heal. for me, something that has helped me tremendously is joining the gym. i really just joined because i wanted to lose weight, but it has helped me in so many ways.....it's like losing weight is a secondary factor. i joined an all womens gym, and i just feel empowered when i'm there. and ofcourse i just feel good/proud of myself that i'm accomplishing a goal i set out for myself. and it really is true that after a work out, you're just in a better mood because of the endorphins that are released.

i know i'm rambling, but one last thing....i know how it feels to be alone. i am alone right now. i have no friends, i have a family but there not very supportive and it's very "surface" relationships..so i know how scary it is, but i have taken this opportunity to get "in touch" with myself, to "find" myself and just to basically work on myself and grow and work on my issues so that i can provide for myself(emotionally/mentally) what i look for in others to provide for me, therefore, my NEED to be with someone whether it be friend or boyfriend, will be an addition to my life, a bonus, not an aching NEED.

i was with my ex for 4 years(lived for 2), and the break up was a year ago, and i'm still learning to let go, learning about myself, and healing....and i do miss him like crazy, but i also know that my difficulty with letting go of him/"us" is because of many deep rooted issues, which slowly i'm started to peel away and trying to work on....and with each layer i pull away, i can slowly feel myself/see myself being able to let go a little bit......baby steps.

healing process/journey is a long one, so don't rush through it, because there really is no quick way out of this, well there is, but it's only temporary and it's not healing. so really, just take a step back, breathe, and don't try to deal with everything at one time, or else it will be too overwhelming, and you're just going to want to throw your hands up and give up.....i wish i could give you more solid advice, but i think you need to figure it out for yourself....if you take anything away from this...i hope it's this....seek the help of whatever higher power you believe in...i'm not a religious person, but i am spiritual, and i really could not have gone through this painful time without God.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 9:53pm
I understand about being alone... It's hard when you think you have no one who will really listen. We're in similar situations (we're the same age, and right now I am way more upset than I should be about a breakup) and I feel the same way--like at some point, my friends will say, "Ok, that's enough, now get over it." You mentioned you see a therapist, which is what I've starting doing, and it has helped. But if you feel like you can't really talk to this person, you should try to see someone else. My therapist told me that the most important thing in therapy is that the patient has a good rapport with the therapist. I think it's great that you can honestly see where your issues are (I've got a lot of stuff to deal with too) and I think you can really make some progress if you find a therapist that you're completely comfortable with.
There's some great advice in the previous post... I don't know if you are spiritual at all, but prayer has helped me too. I've been able to find some peace of mind this way. And also - really important - something I've realized that it causes me nothing but GRIEF when I compare myself to others. I do it a lot... I don't know why. I'm trying to stop. Your boyfriend may be in a different situation than you, and it may from the outside look better, but I guarantee that it's not smooth sailing for him. People have troubles and insecurities and obstacles in their lives, even if they have great opportunities, and even if they have friends and go out and have fun, etc. I always have to remind myself of this when I see a couple walking hand in hand (groan) on the street.
You sound like you are going to do great things in your life, and I just want to encourage you to look toward the future with a sense of optimism and peace. (That is what I'm *trying* to do for myself!) I got a great piece of advice the other day. I was telling my friend that I'm so scared that I'm going to give up on the things I want in life (travel, owning a home, even little things like going to exhibits) because I'm overcome with loneliness, and what am I supposed to do--ignore the loneliness? Push it away? My friend said that it's not about pushing the loneliness away, it's about focusing on something else. So I think it's a matter of recognizing the bad feelings, the fear and loneliness, trying your best to sort through the issues, and also setting goals for yourself (like one of yours would be med school) and cultivating your interests. I fret about my future a lot and have the same concerns as you do (ALL of my friends from high school are engaged/married), so I completely understand.
I hope this helps in some way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 11:28pm

I am sort of where you at right now too. I am 27, broke up with my bf of 3 plus years. Someone I invested so much time and myself in, only to end up with nothing. I also have family and friends but I have no close friends and my mom hates to get involved. My sister is far away and my dad passed away 3 years ago. I am seeing someone who I care for very much and love spending time with and who is a truly great guy. But I feel so empty at times like I have nothing left to give or that I am not truly living life, just an observer.

However, I think it is helpful to hear that not everyone has it all figured out about life. They say there is no rush but sometimes I feel like there is too. I hate uncertainty. You say yourself that you will not feel ready for children until your mid 30's and that you are going to go to medical school. I think that is great. You are pursuing your dreams and I believe that once you are in medical school you might find out that you do not have the time to worry about these things and they will fall into place. Maybe you will meet a hot doctor :).

I am not one really to give advice at this moment because I cant seem to get over someone who was so very bad for me but I hope that it helps to realize there are people out there in this world that are going through the same doubts/fears/anxieties that you are now going through at this time.

On a side note I notice that you are beating yourself up for starting school late and somehow "putting" yourself in the position that you feel you find yourself in now. I dont believe that this was a bad thing and I can tell you I did the traditional go to school thing, graduate at 22 and now I am 27, living with my mom in my old hometown, with a tedious job that I do not enjoy but pays well and has great long term security, and an uncertain future without the person I loved so very much and the life and dreams we shared together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 9:34am

Thank you all so very much for your advice and for sharing your stories and experiences. It is strangely comforting that we all are going through similar things,even though those things are painful. I was especially amazed to hear I am not the only one who feels her family are not *that* helpful, or who have few friends to support them, or worry about if those friends will be there throughout the journey. Hearing your stories gives me hope that we will all get through to the other side eventually. Because one lost cause (i.e. me) would hardly be strange, but four lost causes who will never be happy? Very unlikely I think. So maybe what we are going through is not that unusual, though of course it sucks big-time!

trying_2_heal: You are right when you say that I have the feeling that I NEED people, a bf, a certain life. I don't think I could ever NOT need stuff like this. Sure, I hope to get to a point where I feel that I don't NEED a bf, but I would then shift this to think that I NEED good friends, or a great job, to feel happy and secure. I think the need to NEED things/people stems from my fear of being alone (not physically as such, more like that there is noone who cares about you), abandoned and powerless, having noone there who cares and not being able to change a situation I am in. I would feel like a victim with no means out. I hope I will get to a point where I no longer have this fear, or not as strongly. But I have managed to avoid thinking about my fear of being alone for most of my life, so it will be hard.

Sometimes I am sure that I miss my ex so much because part of me needed him to care about me. But sometimes I feel as though I just plainly miss him because he was great and we had great times and because I loved him. I hate the second feeling the most, because at least if I tell myself that I miss him because I need him, once I don't need people anymore (only want them) I won't miss him anymore. I don't think I can handle plainly missing someone for who they are (not what needs of mine they filled) just yet.

And as to you writing: "i have taken this opportunity to get "in touch" with myself, to "find" myself and just to basically work on myself and grow and work on my issues so that i can provide for myself(emotionally/mentally) what i look for in others to provide for me, therefore, my NEED to be with someone whether it be friend or boyfriend, will be an addition to my life, a bonus, not an aching NEED", this sounds like a very good goal, so I will join you in trying to aim for this!

I am not a spiritual person as such, and don't think I will be looking for support of that kind, but please do not take this as any kind of reflection on you. I am probably spiritually poorer than you for not having this kind of support, it is just who I am. I am not very religious but really am happy when other people are, because it can be a tremendous source of comfort (just not for me).

elanneh: You have touched on something in your post that trying_2_heal touched on as well, the urge to compare myself to others. Hard to stop, isn't it, and so deadly for your emotions! I am going through a particulary bad bout of it at the moment.

Basically, my bf and I are both just a year out of college, first job, all that. He is meeting new people and having fun. And I have realised that I actually want that as well. Thing is, he is 21 and I am 27. I thought I was past that "wanting-fun stage" at 27 and preferred a stable relationship and a few choice friends and a less frantic lifestyle, but mentally I feel more like 23, and I want to meet new people and go out, travel with friends, all that stuff you do when you start work after college. Just enjoy being young. And I have the sneaking feeling that most 27 year olds have already been there, done that. Cos they started their fun-stage at 22, I started it at 26, when they would have come to the end of that stage. Big difference. Now I have graduated, I am not in a position where I am surrounded by dozens of people in their early twenties, who all are keen to have fun together. I am surrounded by people my own age who have settled down, have long-term bfs, have gotten past that "fun" stage and are now at the next life stage. I am nowhere there yet, and feel as though I have no choice but to be there anywhere because of my age.

And this is why to me, my ex has it *all*. He:

- has a great job NOW (I won't be starting paid work as a doctor for another 5 years) which will allow him to save and afford to have a good lifestyle.
- has a ready supply of clever, friendly and interesting people to get to know and have fun with.
- he lives in a great city where he will stay for a good number of years, and most of the people he will meet will be living there for a LONG TIME as well!!) whereas all the people I meet will move away after a few years. I am so tired of making friends in my town and then hardly ever seeing them after a year or two (most twenty-somethings in my town are only here for a limited time to attend college). I want to make friends that I will be able to see regularly for years, if we so choose.
- has no insecurities I could think of. I know that sounds insane, but I really think he is just lucky in that he is completely happy with who he is and what he does. He knows he is clever, funny, interesting, enthusiastic, popular, very capable of creating the life he wants, and confident that he will find someone at some point who he will love deeply. I have tried *hard* to think of something that would make him less 'perfect' and more like a normal human being, reasons why he sometimes might find life hard, and cannot think of any. He must be one in a million for being this lucky.

I do not have any of those things. My best friend has told me that my ex is a very lucky man to lead the life he does, and that most people lead slightly less perfect lives: they will have jobs and live in places where they find it hard to meet people of simiilar age and interests, they will start off with not-so-good pay and take a while longer to get up to a good salary, they will worry about the future. My ex and his friends (who lead similar lives to him in terms of all living in the same city long-term, earning well, meeting lots of new people their own age and with similar interests) are the exception, not the rule.

But knowing that does not make me wish any less that I was like them. I *could* give up on becoming a doctor and try for a job on a graduate scheme, which would give me decent pay and access to the life-stage I would like. But I do not want to do a job I am not really keen on just to get access to a certain lifestyle? I want to work as a doctor, that is my dream job, but it will not give me the same kind of life-style that I crave for some reason.

So I am driving myself crazy at the moment, imagining all the fun by ex is having, and the great life he is building for himself, and how I cannot do the same because of my age and where I live and what job I want to do. It sucks big time!

I will try and be more optimistic about the future, it is the only option that will get me (and us all) anywhere in the future.

Can I just ask: is this the first time I break-up has thrown up all these issues, and the upset being "way out of proportion" to what happened (because worse things can happen to you than a break-up, right, stuff like cancer and death of a loved one)? Did you have any idea that all these issues would come out, or were you shocked when they did?

alexxia77: I am happy that you have someone that you are seeing someone you care about and who is great. But I can also empathise with the empty feeling, and feeling like an observer more than a participant. How long ago did you break up with your bf?

You have also hit the nail on the head in that I am beating myself up about starting school late. "If I had started earlier", I think, "I would have had more opportunities to be in the right place at the right time, like my ex". But is it not really an age thing? Does starting off young mean that things will automatically go smoothly? You say for you they didn't. Things happen you don't expect, and which can throw you off-course, and some people like my ex just seem to be lucky in that they sail in smoother waters somehow.

Sigh...

I will stop now, as I am aware that I have written another novel. Thank you all once again for your kind words and advice. I has helped a lot, and means so much to me to hear that I am not alone, though of course I would rather have you happy than sad.

I have just one final question about healing and accepting, as you seem to be further along this road than me....

Everytime I get an email at work (we use Outlook where a little envelope symbol appears when you have mail), I think for a split second that "wonder if this email is from him?". Same with texts - when I get one, I think the same thought, and feel a little disappointed when I don't look at my phone for a few hours cos I am busy, and there is no message from him.

I don't even know why I have this "wish". I am not sure if I would want him to email/text to ask me to get back with him. I know deep down that he will not change his mind, and that really hurts. That emotionally he has let me go already. Yes, he is sad, but he is not torturing himself about losing me, because he does not feel enough for me anymore to hurt a lot because I am no longer in his life. He is sad about the break-up as a whole, because break-ups always represent something that didn't work, but he is most likely not as sad at losing *me* as I am at losing *him*.

Part of my brain knows that maybe I am better off without him, because he did not love me enough anymore and felt we were not well enough matched. And I would not be enough for me to be with someone who felt like that about me. On the other hand, am I keeping hope that he might change his mind? Would I want that? And if I think I do, is that because I miss *him* , or the opportunities he represents, or a mixture of both?

So I wonder...are these thoughts/"wishes" a normal part of the healing process, or are they an indicator that I have not accepted yet that it is over? Surely if he tells me that he no longer feels enough for me to be with me in a serious relationship, I would not wish that he would change his mind?! He clearly told me he won't. Am I delaying the healing process? I need to get it right, I don't want to lose any more of my twenties because I am not going through healing the right way.

Thank you for listening. You are in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:52am

In addition to my earlier post...

I am very very sad today. I don't want to start working towards a good life for myself, and try and prove to myself that I can have the exact same life that my ex has, because I am hoping it will make me happy. Because the kind of life he leads makes *him* happy, so it might do the same for me. Except he is living it BECAUSE it makes him happy and content. I am trying to live a life like him to escape from the fact that my own life does not make me happy.

I don't want to have to start building a life that does not include him. And I know fully well that I have to, because he is not a part of my life anymore.

All I want is for him to love me and hold me. I don't want to have to start the rest of my life without him. I don't want to be sociable, productive, apply for stuff, work hard, in the hope that it makes me feel good about myself and to prove I can do it. I just want him to want me, and he doesn't want me anymore.

And that really hurts.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 3:03pm
Yes, I see what you're saying about people just out of college, having their fun and then getting past that stage and settling down. Except I know a lot of people in their late 20s/early 30s (and older) who are still going out and having fun and meeting new people. They are getting out of relationships and going through major life changes themselves. When you go to med school, you'll be meeting so many people who are in the same age group and who are at various stages in their lives, relationship-wise, finanical-wise. I don't think pursuing this career will preclude you from a certain lifestyle. I struggle with this myself, believe me, but I truly think that we can create the kind of life we want--it may not be EXACTLY how we envisioned it, but it can come close. I know that certain people seem to live charmed lives and that sucks, but I know they're not always as happy as I think they are... because happiness is not circumstantial.
Heartbreak seems to kill motivation or enthusiasm (temporarily) and that's why it seems so hopeless. I completely understand. It's hard to be happy about the future when today is too painful.
I crave a certain lifestyle too (friends, excitement, laughter, great relationships and fulfilling work). I think other people have achieved it and it makes me ill. But we can only do our best to pursue the things we want, not worrying about how great a time others seems to be having.
I too always check my email and my phone messages because I hope he will contact me. He doesn't. I think this is normal, and as time goes on I will stop thinking like this. I don't know if there's any way around this - time is probably the only cure.
Regarding your "out of proportion" question, I've always been quite sensitive, but this is the first time I've realized that something is wrong (i.e., that the breakup has brought up all these other issues). I was kind of shocked when I reacted the way I did (and am still reacting), but I took a good, hard look at how I was feeling before the relationship began (empty and directionless) and saw that I never dealt with those feelings to begin with, so I should not be surprised when they come up now--and stronger than before.
Hang in there. And reading some of these other posts may help you, as it has helped me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 3:21am

There are so many things I want to address from your posting that I hope I don't leave anything out. First, let me say that you are not alone in the feelings you have expressed. Since you just recently broke up there is a chance that things may work themselves out; however, it does sound like there are some pretty major issues that might resurface and getting back together is only a patch for a big break up to come. I am going through a bad breakup myself. It has been over two months and I still grieve everyday. It is hard and it is painful. I have made an ass out of myself many times and I truly don't recognize myself at the moment. Love makes us crazy and it makes us do things that otherwise we would not do.

As far as friends go, I know it only adds to the pain when your friends turn their backs on you as well but I can tell you that is pretty normal. Your friends will tire of hearing you whine or cry about your boyfriend. They don't want to be dragged down and some even think that if they are around people with problems then it will infect them as well. Do I think that it is right? No. Friends should stand by you through thick and thin and if they don't then they aren't true friends. I myself have lost a couple of friends because of my breakup. But I do have one friend that has listened to me rant and rant and rant and she takes my calls and she listens to me until I feel better. She offers the best advise and has been the one person who has helped me immensely through the pain. Bottom line is after a while your friends will take the attitude that you should just "get over it". That is why message boards like this one and others can help you to blow off steam and get good sound advise. It also helps to write your feelings down which is a good way to start healing. If you type a search for "breakup advise" you will find many great websites that offer good advise. I found that everything I was feeling and going through was normal, it was almost like the sites were written about me. It was comforting to know this because I really thought I was going crazy.

Bottom line is if someone wants to be with you they will be with you. They won't pick you apart and try to make you not fit into their life. They will love you for what you have achieved and for who you are. Honestly, I think your bf is too young. He is lost in what he wants out of life, if he even knows, he has an idea but I don't think at 21 really know. I am 36 and I know I have grown so much since I was in my early 20's. You are older then him and you are also a woman which means you are far more mature then he is just by both those factors. One thing I have noticed is that if someone no longer wants to be with another they will come up with reasons why that person does not fit in their life. I think they do this because they have feelings for the other person but not the kind that develop into marriage. It is also an easy way to let the other person down without flat out saying "I don't want to be with you anymore". In the process you are losing your self esteem, one from the breakup itself and two, from being told you just don't have what it takes. True love does not operate this way. I know you don't see it right now because love is blind, but if you are able to look back on this 6 months from now it will be crystal clear. You might even say "what was I thinking?". I hope that for myself because right now I wish everyday that my breakup never happened. It used to feel like a bad dream until I kept waking up everyday and realizing that it was actually reality.

Take care of yourself and listen to your heart, it does not lie. We can't compromise everything that we are in order to be what someone else wants us to be. That is not what makes for a healthy long relationship. Try to find solice in keeping yourself busy. Take up a new hobby, join a gym, get out and meet new people by joining a sports team. Do something that will make you feel good about yourself and that will keep you distracted. Believe me it is hard and sometimes you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out but you have to love yourself enough to try to get through this so you can breathe again. I often wonder who am I to be giving out breakup advise when I am hurting just as much as all the people posting these messages. The only thing I can say is that it helps to know there are others out there feeling as I do and it is helping me heal by giving advise that I know I too should be taking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 2:59pm
I wish I could give youi advice but I am not that far ahead of you. I am seeing someone else but sometimes I do not feel it is fair to him. I did dive into something right after I left my ex. My advice to you would be to avoid what I have done since it seems to have lead to a whole host of problems, including the worse one, guilt. I feel guilty for seeing someone else who I care about but still feel for the ex. I wish I would have taken things slower with the new guy and then I would not have to deal with the guilt that I am feeling now along with the other problems of missing someone else. I should not have jumped into something so quickly but now that I have I am dealing with it the best that I can. I do not want to break it off with the new guys since he is wonderful and I am sure once I heal then things will be good hopefully.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:38pm

Thank you again to the people who have written since my last post. It is comforting not to be going through this alone, though I wish of course that *none* of us had to go through this!

I feel weird. Like it's been weeks and weeks since the break-up, when it's only just been over a week. I have not contacted him, and have had no contact from him either. And the moments where I really physically miss him and want to hold him are getting less, though I still have them.

However, I seem to go through phases. First I freaked out because I thought my friends were all bailing out on me (turns out, some of them are here for me despite what I thought), now I am seriously sad that I will not meet anyone like my ex again.

You see, my first bf was ultra-smart. He was so clever and could do lateral thinking like no other person, and he has a wonderfully creative brain. I was so impressed by that when I met him, and still am. I really admire him for his brains. But I just didn't fancy him physically.

My current ex was razor-smart as well. He got skipped a year at school and finished college just before he turned 20. With top grades. He then got a job at a top firm, earning a very good salary, having excellent career prospects and working with equally smart people. He is popular and has excellent social skills. I fancied him like crazy physically.

The problem?

On a rational day, I can look at our relationship and realise that we did not really have proper conversations, that he did not fully respect me, that he did not seem all that interested in *me* (i.e. what makes me tick, what makes me happy, etc.) - but maybe that is because of his age - , that he patronised me sometimes, that I was never 100% sure he would support me and my dreams and not judge me or try and make me fit his idea of a good gf. Ok, this makes him sound horrible, and he wasn't horrible really, but some days I can see that maybe he was not the best person for me, nice and loving as he could be.

But then I think that I will never get another bf, let alone husband, who is as smart as him. And I hate to say this, but I would want that in a bf/husband. I want to admire him for his brains. AND I want to fancy him, and want him to fancy me as crazy as my ex did. Impossible combination, I fear - my ex was most likely my one and only chance at that combination.

And that is what kills me: he was one of those clever people that you come across only a few times in your life. I've met two of those now. Maybe I have had my quota. If at least he had been more average when it comes to smartness - then at least I could say "ok, there were quite a few areas where he could have been a nicer bf, and where loads of men can outdo him (respecting me, valueing me, supporting me, etc.)". And I would find it easier to believe that I might meet someone someday who was everything my ex was (smart, fanciable and fancied me, great family values, fun), plus all the thinge he wasn't (respectful, interested, supportive). But I have this sinking feeling that I won't meet anyone again who ticks ALL these boxes - the 'smart' box will always be unticked.

I hate to think that the men that would be interested in me would be no match for him brain-wise. That he had something I badly want in a bf, and which I will not find again in a future bf.

Am I a horrid person for wanting a smart bf? I am an intelligent woman myself, so it's not as though I want a smart bf to compensate for something. I just prefer smart guys. And my ex was blindingly smart, and I loved that.

Sorry to for another long-ish post, I just needed to get this out. It has been going around my head for days now, and today was particularly bad...

Thank you again for listening.

goddess

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:47pm
I know exactly where youre coming from, I am 36 and my ex of about a week now is 28, he lives at home with his parents, has nothing in his own name, his mommy has her name on everything,his car is in her name, car insurance, even his bank account has his older sisters name on it(she is 30 with an 11 year old and still lives at home as well) because she pays his bill for him. He has no sense of responsibility except taking out the trash for crying out loud. He has a great job, i know since I work with him, and the sad thing is he was the greatest boyfriend I ever had. His family was the closest family i have ever been apart of, my family is not that close, his family is like the partridge family for crying out loud, they do everything together, i have been on 4 family vacations, to Hawaii, Florida, and other places and had a great time and thats in the 9 months i have been with him, my life before him was pretty boring, work, gym, home everyday then my world opened up to a bunch of great people and new friends, his age of course, but still I felt more alive than ever, he told me he loved me about a month into the relationship and i like an idiot was overjoyed, he told me he was sure I was the one and would be the mother of his children, then a couple months ago i started feeling a coldness from him and i asked him, what happened to the i love you want to marry you stuff his reply was "that was a heat of the moment thing, I am too young to be married, but I still want to be with you, I am just not sure you are the one" well at that point I guess I shouldve went with my gut that this guy was just way to young, i have my own home and have never been married and no children and this guy still lives at home with no expectations of leaving anytime soon, his mother cooks, does his laundry, pays his bills for him, why would he want to! So i tried to be his mother, cooking cleaning etc i guess hoping I could prove to him that I could take care of him and that he would want to be with me, crazy huh, since I need taking care of too but didnt even think of that. I had a feeling he was cheating, all of a sudden the cell phone was off or left out in the car, his phone would be off for hours during the day and he was completely unreachable, then I had to have uterine surgery and was in the hospital for a couple days, i come home and need help taking a shower, which he seemed somewhat uncomfortable with, so i then notice a rash on his you know what and say "what the hell is that" and he says, its from "doing it himself"! now my response was, i am quite sure that he has been doing it "himself" for 28 years and never had a rash so why would he have one now! And that even if i were to give him the benefit of the doubt, i am in a hospital being cut open, and my boyfriend is in a bathroom somewhere doing that? Is this the kind of person I want to spend my life with? Whos top priority is himself? And that his mother has allowed this behavior to continue by doing everything for him? So i told him to get out and havent spoken to him since, so now I am recovering from surgery and now a lying cheating boyfriend, although everyone keeps saying, there is no proof maybe he was just doing what he said, so i second guess myself and wonder if i did the right thing and maybe I just over-reacted? I just know that I feel very alone not just without him, but I became very attached to his family and their way of life of doing everything together and I too am jealous that this new girl in his life will get everything that I wanted, the great in-laws, the great friends that he had that i didn't and will they like her more, its still a fresh nightmare in my mind and heart everyday.