Breaking the addiction...a weak day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Breaking the addiction...a weak day...
8
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 12:10pm

I'm feeling alot of weak moments today. I've been ok with the no contact, although i find i keep checking my email to see if he's sent a message - think its part habit, part wishful thinking. But worse is the urge to 'check up' on him. While we were together I had gotten access to his email. While we were working on things I still found myself checking, as a way to check if he was still lying and cheating. It was an addiction of sorts, which I'm not proud of at all. It was so habitual that I found myself checking even after we broke up. I know that it's wrong on so many levels. I don't know what I was looking for, but I was never happy with what I found. Why would I be? I would ask myself - "what are you looking for? to see that he's moving on when I'm not(obviously if i'm checking up on him)...why are you torturing yourself? no matter what you find it will not make things better or you any happier.." and at times I felt worse, but i couldn't help it, I couldn't stop myself. I've since stopped, but the urges are still there. I've been relying on these message boards and other online resources to get me through it. I keep telling myself..."you've gone this long without doing it, if you do it again it will erase all of that progress and will have to start over..." It's the same thing i did when i quit smoking, and it got me through. Hopefully it will in this case.

I will be seeing him tomorrow...we play on the same sports team. It will be hard, and i don't know how to handle it. I don't want to cause any unnecessary friction - I don't want to start an argument, but to just be civil to each other so that we nor our teammates will be uncomfortable. However I know that I have difficulty hiding my emotions, and sometimes show other emotions as a way to mask. If I feel vulnerable I will become hardened and my tone will come across as angry or pissed off when I talk to the individual causing that feeling, and overly happy and friendly with everyone else. It's immature and not how i want to deal with these situations. So my goal for tomorrow will be to be conscious of that and to not be so transparent or attempt to maks my feelings with other feelings. I'm not out to play games with him and try to make him think I'm completely ok, but I also don't want him to know that it's still a struggle for me. I don't want him to know anything.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 1:44pm

Is missing one game while you're feeling particularly vulnerable a possiblity?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2008
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 7:21pm
Try and distance yourself from him, that may help. You say you play on the same sports team, but maybe you should try moving to another sport until he leaves. You can't make anyone change, you must change yourself. It will be hard to do anything while you are still looking at him, that will make it harder to move on. I bet if you move on and leave he will be wondering where you went. I bet too, that when you do, he will be looking for you and emailing you and it will be up to you whether you are strong enough to ignore him.
Patroni17
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 7:48pm

In my eyes not going to play sport will be an obvious act that you are avoiding him-go, you will have too see him sometime-and hey if you do act angrily towards him-and he knew you that well he will know it's because your hurting.


I know how it feels-2 weeks now and it is getting slightly better-!!worse thing is as we were best friends before

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 02-05-2008 - 8:55pm

Welcome to the board urthgurl,


If you can kick cigarettes, you can kick the urge to check up on him. Good for you for working at it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 9:17am

Thanks everyone for the support. I know it was wrong to check, and I certainly wouldn't want someone doing it to me. I'm proud of myself for stopping, and think this will help me to become stronger.

As for the game, I think it'll be ok. He should understand that I'm still dealing, as I know he is as well. In the past I've found myself analyzing his behavior and trying to interpret how he's feeling. Of course people deal with things differently and on more than one occasion I'm sure when it looked to me like he was ok (not hurting as well), I was wrong, but it made me upset. So now I'm not going to try to analyze or interpret, just concentrate on myself and the game. Friends have suggested that I just remove myself from the situation and no longer play on this team, but I can't do that. I love to play and have just as much right to be on that team as he does, and i'm not going to just slink away and make the sacrifice. If it gets very uncomfortable I'll consider it, but for now I want to give it a shot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 10:15am
Well our game got cancelled last night so I didn't have to worry about seeing him, at least for this week. I'm sure my emotions will go through the gamut over the course of a week but maybe for next week's game I'll be even stronger to deal with it.
Thanks everyone for their support!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 12:17pm

Sounds like that was karmic intervention!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 5:43am

Hi-


I can understand checking the email, and how difficult it must be to stop. In one relationship, I figured out the voicemail code to his home phone. I did check a few times and it really hurt. I was with him for 7 yrs. In another relationship, we were broken up but still seeing each other,not good, and he left his cell in my apartment. I also knew his code to retrieve messages, Neither person was aware that I did this. It is not something I was proud of, and thought I would have charges brought against me, so stopped. But it was hard to do.


I dated an FBI agent, who really was a creep/abusive, etc. But I learned a lot of things. I am very secretive about my passwords, pin#s, etc. The password for my cell account no one would ever guess. My recent ex thought this was weird.


I understand your addiction, and would probably do it as well, but I know it would be wrong. I put my ex on email block, not that he will anyway. Anything you find out will just hurt you. Right now you have to take care of yourself.

seachells