Breaking up after 10 years
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Breaking up after 10 years
| Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:39pm |
Hi everyone. I have a pretty unique situation and I just really need some help. My boyfriend and I have been together 10 years--yes, 10 years. We've gone through rough patches over the years, but mostly due to my diligence and patience, we always made it through. We lived together for two years shortly after meeting, and then he graduated from college and entered a profession that requires traveling. He's made decisions over the past few years that have taken him very far from home. We have not even lived in the same state for the past 3 years, and right now he is living over 2000 miles away. I've seen him 5 times in 2005. Pretty much everyone who knows us, sees me as a martyr, and they don't understand why I would put up with him moving around so much and being so far away. He has had a strong aversion to marriage over the years, and we're in our mid and late 30s. Friends would bring up the topic and he would get incensed that they were trying to impose their values on him. Here's the big issue: A few weeks ago, I met another guy that I really feel a connection with. We met through a mutual friend, and the attraction was instantaneous. I told myself that it was only physical and tried to stay away from situations where I would see him. But he kept seeking me out. He knew I was in a relationship, but he honestly feels that there is a reason that fate has thrown us together. This is not a situation where someone just says the right things because they want to have sex with you. I have found myself falling for this person and doubting that I am in love with my boyfriend who lives so far away. I have told my boyfriend about my feelings--I felt he deserved to know. I think that I need to give this other relationship a chance--I can't just ignore the fact that I'm feeling a strong emotional and physical (even though we haven't had sex) connection to someone else. I feel that the distance in our relationship has caused us to become more like friends and less like lovers. But my boyfriend is in serious pain right now--he is confused and bewildered and I feel terrible. Am I doing the right thing? I don't think it's fair to stay in a relationship out of habit, and just the fact that I am feeling so emotionally attracted to another guy has to say something negative about my current relationship. Please help!

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wow, your situation brings back memories...not fond ones either. my question to you is, if you had not met this other guy, would you still leave your current boyfriend...i don't mean just think about it, but would you really go ahead and do it? if you leave your current relationship soley for this new guy, it think that's trouble down the road, and i speak from experience. i really do think that it's great when we meet someone and we have an instant connection, but i think you have way too much on your plate, and a 10 year relationship to really think about and sort through, before pursing anyone else. even if you do decide to leave your current bf after 10 years, no matter how "bad" the relationship might have been, i think you need some "you" time and time to sort through whatever issues you might have, and you still need to mourn the relationship before you can start something new and healthy.
i totally understand you questioning your current relationship because you are having feelings for this other person....i went through the same thing. i was with my ex for 4 years (lived for 2), and i met someone else and i instantly felt a connection with this person too, and the fact that i even comtemplated this other guy, i thought it meant that i wasn't "in love" with my bf anymore...i still don't know what it meant or what it means, i think it's quite complicated and there is no simple answer and it's not black and white...anyways, i ended up leaving my bf for this other guy...i jumped right into that relationship without mourning the last one, and it came back to bite me in the a**! i ended up having to deal with soooooooooo many more issues than a "normal" break up brings because, i had to deal with regret and i put off mourning that relationship as long as i could and i tried to move on before actually being "ready". i don't know if i'm making any sense at all to you, but the bottom line i guess i'm trying to say is to figure out what it is you really want without the distraction of another man/person...and when/if you do come to the conclusion of leaving your current relationship, please take time to work through that and heal because even if it's your decision to leave, after 10 years, there's got to be healing that needs to be done before you move on to another relationship...i would really not want anyone to have to go through what i had to go through, and your situation is just so close to home for me.
good luck
Hi Lyn, welcome to the board.
After reading your post, I have a different take on it than trying_2_heal.
Edited 11/15/2005 3:46 pm ET by gal_lyn69
I know how hard it is to end a relationship with someone you still love.
i know everyone has their own opinion and i do respect that, but i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i didn't put in my 2 cents too. nikki, no disrespect...but i have to dissagree. maybe i'm wrong, but i get the vibe that if this were i guy posting about him comtemplating if he should leave his current gf for another women, most women on here would not be so understanding and they'd prob. think he's a dog...but when it's a women...we sugarcoat it and say maybe this new person is our soulmate and we should explore, i think that's a double standard.
anyways, i'm not saying that you should stay in this relationship if you're not happy just because it's been ten years, not at all. all i'm saying is that for your sake and mental sanity(later on), you need to make this decision about leaving without any outside distractions(like the other guy), or else it will come back and really bite you in the a**. and if this guy turns out to be not so nice, and you left your current bf for him, you will feel tremondous amounts of regret and guilt and lots of "what if's" and you will basically have to deal with two break up's not just one.
and, if you believe in "the one" and "meant to be together", well then, there should be no problem with putting things on hold with this new guy until you are sure what you want (without outside distractions), and i truely believe that even if you've been having problems in your current relationship, and you essentially do want to leave, there has to be issues that you need to deal with after any break up, especially one that lasted ten years. maybe not neccessarily mending a broken heart, but lot's of other issues...after a break up it's always a good idea to take time for yourself not jump into another relationship.
good luck.
Hi Nikki,
Thanks again for your post, you do seem to have a lot of insight here, as does trying_2_heal. We're on day 3 of this break-up now. I'm feeling better, but everytime I think about how my bf must be feeling, it makes me sick. I just hate to see anyone in pain, especially someone who I do care about. But I think this is the right move in the long run, it's just really hard right now.
I haven't heard from the bf since early yesterday morning which is a big relief to me. My stomach was in knots and I was a mess because I was (still am) listening for the phone and dreading our next heartwrenching conversation. Up until now, he has been doing the "bargaining thing" saying he will move home and quit his job, go to counseling, etc. That is hard to hear. I don't think he would be happy with those decisions in the long run, which would make us both miserable, and I've told him that.
While he is a great person, he does have his issues (obviously). And if this doesn't tell you something--all of my friends and family have been VERY supportive of this break-up. I had no idea that so many of them felt he was wrong for me. I knew that some of my friends did not like him, but even family members and just acquaintances have actually jumped up and down with glee at hearing the news. I realize I can't base my decisions on other people's feelings, but I think it does say something.
Thanks again for the support and advice!
i just wanted to say that i'm glad you've made the right decision for YOU...it does take a lot of courage to walk away from something so familiar and from someone you care deeply for. i know how you feel about feeling sick when think about what your ex is going through...all the pain. i went through that too, and it's really hard and painful, i know how you feel. when i broke up with my ex...we still had to live together for a month(had to give notice to leave) and i still get flashbacks of the look in his eyes when he pleaded with me not to leave...and it still haunts me, even though he's moved on, and he's doing well now, it still hurts when i think about the pain he went through.
i hope it all works out for you.
Hi Trying_2_Heal,
Thanks for all of your support and understanding, it really has helped to hear the other side. I think you're totally right when you say that I need to know WHY I want to leave, and it had better not just be for the other guy. I did think about that before making the decision, and I just think there have always been problems in my relationship that I didn't want to acknowledge.
I look back on the last 3 days and I have no idea how I have made it to this point. But I am feeling better every day, so I think that's a good sign. I don't know where I got the courage to say the things I did to my bf on Sunday night, but I have to think I got the strength from somewhere. It's still so hard to think of him so far from home with really no one to talk to about this. I hate that I have caused him so much pain, but staying with him and just pretending everything was OK was not going to do either of us any good. I think that this situation will help me find out more about what I want out of life, and not just follow what he wants, which is what I've done for ten years.
That had to be awful for you; living with your bf for a month after the breakup. I can't even handle him calling right now, and to have to see his pain would kill me. But if you can make it through that, I know I can make it through this.
Thanks again!
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