Breaking up after almost 6 years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Breaking up after almost 6 years!
15
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:36am
I just need some support to know I'm doing the right thing here. My boyfriend of 6 years told me a few days ago that he's at a point in his life where he's not happy and is no longer in love with me. He seemed to change somewhat, months ago, distancing himself from me. I thought maybe it was stress from work, etc. and when I asked him if he was okay, he always said yes.
Well, at first I was devastated, and my heart is broken. I loved this man from the bottom of my heart and thought he was my soulmate. Apparently not, huh? We talked awhile, and decided that after a period of time, we could try and be friends. I can't imagine my life without him in it, so I'll settle for being friends. In the back of my mind I'm thinking that he just turned 40 and is having a midlife crisis, and if I wait long enough, he'll realize he's still in love with me and come back. We got along so well, with very few disagreements in all those years.
I am keeping busy, working hard and saving my money for my future, whether it includes him or not. I'm taking care of my health, and doing things I enjoy.
I'm sure, since time heals all wounds, that after awhile I'll be fine. I'm just wondering how many of you are friends with your ex and how you deal with it after being so in love with that person.....any feedback? Please?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 8:30pm

I was with my ex two years, in fact we were supposed to get married.

Anna

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 11:49pm

Hey, annameow,


Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate your input. I, too, was in a rough marriage for 23 years, and it was very scary to end it. I have since-with lots of counseling for my codependency-become comfortable with who I am, and I am okay with the break-up with my current guy. In fact, he was the only guy since I ended my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 6:51pm

Here's the info on the Rutgers University Marriage Project:
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/publications.html

Even though the research centers mostly on marriage, you can find a whole bunch of information on men and why they're not necessarily afraid of commitment, but rather, they don't necessarily require it in order to have what they used to have to get married in order to get, like a regular sex partner, a companion for life's activities and responsibilities, long-term caretaking, etc., etc. People do all that now just dating. Even children can come along much later in life simply due to the leaps and bounds being made in medicine and fertility treatments, taboos on surrogacy being quashed as time goes on.

Basically, a man, being able to sire children all his life, doesn't need to even learn how to get into much less *be* in a real relationship until much much later in life, if at all. The fallout of more and more marriages being either broken or debilitated as time goes on and people forgetting, or worse, not even being taught how to act out their commit to each other also plays a big factor in the role models people have for what constitutes a good relationship. Basically, IMO, in general, people have really crappy role models for what a good relationship can be.

When you talked about his actions, his attitude, etc., it triggered a whole plethora of flags for me, not necessarily red, but they are waving, because right away I thought he hadn't been in a truly serious and longstanding relationship, much less been married, maybe his parents weren't the best role models, etc. It's so textbook, unfortunately-- basically, he has no incentive for even getting into a long-term relationship. Not that yo' fabulous self isn't incentive enough, hot mama, but the thing is, he has nothing good to bounce the risk off of.

I'd suggest for your situation that you start with the Special Reports section in the Rutgers reports, that's the one that talks about men and commitment. The other one I'd suggest is the one on soul mates, because it seems the older people get, the more they let themselves be waylaid right off the tracks by that notion. Men's "commitment issues" are only a problem for women, the guys are fine with them. Think about that ;)

One last thought because by now I'm just rambling ;) This afternoon, just by happenstance, my horoscope said this: "Ever heard the saying, "I don't know what I want, but I'm sure this isn't it?” How true it is -- if you don't know what you want, you have no chance of getting it. Quite often our deepest desires go unfulfilled because we've lost touch with what they are. This can lead to frustration in important relationships, and prevent you from attracting the true love you want and need."

Just some food for thought. Good luck and lots of hugs, I'm pulling for ya.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 7:11pm

"Ever heard the saying, "I don't know what I want, but I'm sure this isn't it?”


Yes, yes, yes and a friend once told me, you sometimes have to experience something so you know that isn't what you want..... LOL




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Sun, 09-16-2007 - 11:57pm

I appreciate your feedback. Lots has been going on in my life these past few days, and after looking around me, I can honestly say, I am truly okay with where I am at this point in my life. Thank you for your info on the Rutgers study. I will get back to you as soon as I have time to do some research on it. You seem like a great person who has her "stuff" together, and I'm so glad I have this outlet to discuss life experiences! I may have time Mon. evening, if not I'll be off work on Wed., and I'll get back to you, K?


Thanks so much for all your help!


Hugs.....shanoose

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