breaking up after seven years

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
breaking up after seven years
12
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:16pm

my boyfriend and i broke up recently after being together for about seven years. i guesss he was a committment-phobe. he didn't want to get married or have a kid, which i did. i waited and waited, i tried to be patient (he was ambivalent for a few years), but then i realized i had to leave. i know i should have left earlier, but our day to day life was really fun. i think it's possible he wanted to end the relationship but didn't know how to, so he put it all on me. and i did it, i left. moved back across the country.

i talked to him the first week after i left and the second week after i left, but decided that it wasn't a good idea. during the second conversation i was starting to beg to come back (bad idea). he replied that i was just saying that because we missed each other and i wouldn't be happy if i went back. the conversation was really depressing. after that i decided that i can't talk to him for a long time. i don't even have a date in mind when i think i can talk to him. some distant time in the future.

i feel totally lost. i'm 34, haven't had a kid yet, i feel really unstable in life and that bums me out. it feels lousy to be 34 and be so transient right now. i know i can create my own stability, but i guess i'm just feeling like i miss the life i left behind and i'm scared to start over.

and the other thing that makes it hard is that for some reason, SO many people i know have gotten married in the past three years. it's weird. seriously, almost everybody i know is part of a new marriage. i'm not exaggerating.

i just wanted to be loved like that. you know, loved enough to marry. i think that's one of the worst parts of this for me.

is there anyone else out there who has been in a long term relationship (5+ years) that ended like this? is anyone out there in their mid-30's, childless, and scared like me? i'm trying to be as cool as i can about it, but i have moments where i feel like this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:06pm

Hi MaybeinJanuary,

When I saw your post I felt like I could write it myself. I understand what you feel because I am 34 and am in the process of re-building my life. When I read the paragraph you said that you feel so totally lost and transient it struck close to home. I feel the same and that is something that I need and want to change for me.

Although, it is a long one here is my story: This is the first time I am writing on a message board about me. I am 34 years old and out of my last relationship which was for 3 year since September. The last few months I have been heartbroken and now I am trying to pick up the pieces and have wondered why I stayed for so long. I loved my ex a lot and I guess I saw something in him that he never saw in himself. When I started to date him 3 years ago. I was just getting out of a 6 year relationship and swore to myself I would never stay in a relationship that did not have the potential for me. So what happens, I fall in love with him and we talk about the future. He mentions to me early in the relationship that has a huge amount of debt from a previous career of being a Dr. He has not been a Dr., for about 10 years. He is now working for a non-profit agency. The work is rewarding and he does and did a wonderful job but it did not pay enough money to pay off student loans and he was defaulting constantly on payments. So, I told him about the options he could take and gave him tons of information about the laws and debt recovery services. It took him two years into our relationship to finally go into a debt program. I would grow frustrated with him because he claimed to want a future and stuff like that and he never put the effort in to try and correct things. Another big problem we also had was that he works in a predominately female orientated field where he dated a few of his co-workers. I actually was working part-time at the same job and that is where I met him too. He also works a lot and really does not get paid for ½ the time at work. He would just get comp.time that he would never be able to use because he was working so much. So pretty much it was use it or lose it. So, I would feel frustrated when I would need him to do something or something would come up and I would want him to attend and it always seemed like he never had the time for me. He would be away on work trips every other weekend it seemed and than when he got home from a trip he was too tired to do anything. In addition, if we did do anything at home....It would have a lot to do with his mother, who was a widow and pretty much relied on him to be the man around the house. So he was her new husband I guess. I end up trying to take care of things for us, help him out by doing the laundry, shopping, etc....write his checks for his bills to make sure that he would not be late and just pretty much do all of the wifely chores with out being married....he was always grateful and I truly loved him and was hoping that he would get some kind of direction from the help that I offered him. We would argue about the fact that he was always working constantly and his girlfriends at work were witchy with me. One because they were jealous of our relationship and it just seemed like high school there. I did not want to spend the one day I had off with him spending time with them. So another one of our frustrations grew between us the fact that he was always away on work trips, camping, etc...(recreation work trips) and our future was never something that he put in the picture. We talked about living together and we practically were, I just felt like we were never official unless we paid his mother rent or if I paid rent also. We started fixing the apartment in his families home. Removing walls and putting hardwood floors in.....time was ticking away and I never knew when I was going to officially move in. We took the walls down in the kitchen and he was supposed to finish the kitchen and this is something he wanted to do for me. I understood that since I was with him things would be tight financially for him until at least he had his debt restructured. But, I did not understand how everything else in his life...Like his job was more important than me. He could never find time to finish things and I guess I always knew this about him. He was not a young man, he actually just turned 40 earlier this year so I thought that he finally wanted to fix things in his life. We end up splitting up and I am hurt because he would tell me to trust him and things were going to be ok.

We broke up on our vacation in September....we started talking about his fears and how he feels worthless and how he feels that he never did things for himself. Going to medical school was not something he wanted to do and he made a career path for his parents. He was married and divorced and is pretty much in the same spot since his marriage ended. I am hurt because I felt like I was his friend and I really tried to work things out for us. I would grow frustrated with myself when I would get annoyed that I was always last and his job took everything he had in life. But, it took everything because he was so willing to give all of his time away!

Since our breakup, I applied for a mortgage myself....got approved. Started looking around for places and have grown frustrated with the amount of money I poured into my relationship...Because it was for us!! I went on vacation out west and got to clear my head a little only to wonder if moving away and starting fresh is something I need. I am going to devote the next year to me and try and figure out why I let things get so out of hand. Off course, I am thinking and trying not to be too hard on myself for the fact that I am starting over and feeling like a kid because I am with the parents.

I know this email is long....I edited things out and have re-read it. Re-reading your relationship on paper after things happen...is kind of weird to see. I would always view other peoples relationship issues on these sites and want to type something about a specific circumstance and never did. I guess writing about the whole thing was the only way I could get it out. Hope it make some sort of sense!

Hopefully, things are getting clearer for you in your life! The New Year will be great for us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 2:55am
I'm in similar boat. I'm with peacefrog, I'm scared to be alone. I've been in 2 relationships that lasted about 8 1/2 years (previous about 3 1/2 years, latter about 5 years), and these are in my 20s! I'm also sad that this current relationship I just ended isn't going anywhere near marriage. Kids aren't a priority in my case, but I'd like to strive for marriage, but I realized it's not gonna happen, and I've prodded my bf about it. No go. Now, I have to think for myself and try to be happy in spite of being not married nor having kids unlike some of my friends who are already already married with kids. But like someone said being unmarried and childless don't define anyone at all. I'm entering my 30s now and I realized 30s are the new 20s as I was told. I don't think 34 is that old at all, in fact, you have more years to look forward to. In a way I look forward being single again but I'm also scared being alone for the first time in a long time. I have to learn how to embrace it and let go of my fears. I think being single is a good thing because it gives you new experiences you never had before. But break ups are so difficult and painful as they should be, it's like breaking out old skin into new one.

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