Breaking up and sharing the dog??
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| Sat, 07-24-2004 - 10:34pm |
First of all, to everyone out there going through a break up. It's rough going!!
I am soo proud of myself - after two years I've finally left a bad relationship (fighting fighting and more fighting - we basically weren't compatible on a lot of fronts). We were living together and the car that I was driving was in his name (when we met, I lived downtown and had sold my car - after we moved in he got a company car and traded in his existing car for another, which I drove). We had said car for approximately 8 months, which we both paid for 1/2 and 1/2 (payment and insurance).
Anyhow, when things got bad and I left I went to my parents place, which is quite out in the boondocks and at least 45 miles from work. I knew it would be really tough on them if they had to give me drives, etc. all the time (until I could get my own car, which would be ASAP - but realistically 1-2 weeks) so I before I left I offered him $200 to be able to drive the car for the next 1-2 weeks, while living at my parents (the car is fully insured in both our names until mid-August). He has his own company car and the car would be *sitting* in the driveway....on top of which he found out that he couldn't sell it right away. In spite of this, he said - "I thought about what you asked me but I really have to say no." As such, I've been at my parents and my mom and I have had to share a car for the last 2 weeks - me drive her to work, then go on and pick her up/similar arrangements - and we work in totally opposite parts of the city. On evenings and week-ends I haven't really been able to go anywhere....as I don't want to inconvenience my parents any further.
Soo...there's more water under the bridge about this, but that's the basics surrounding the car. I was finally able to secure a car on lease today and should have it up and running by the end of the week....but...this whole situation with the car has left me really bitter. He's been calling me at work - he called on Friday and started saying how he's having sooo much trouble getting rid of the car, etc. (I wanted to say - yeah well if you had been nicer about it, perhaps we could have worked something out). I didn't say too much.......
BTW - when I left I packed my things in carboard boxes we had in the basement. He actually gave me a hard time because he wants the boxes back after I unpack!! (we had more than enough down there for him to pack his stuff also).
Regarding the dog - he has a son from a previous marriage who is 17 years old. The son lives in another part of the country and is planning a visit to our city in early August (my ex, by the way, is not planning to tell his son that we've split up until he gets here because he doesn't want the "embarrassment" of people in his old home town knowing - something I completely don't understand). Anyway, his son has seen pictures of our puppy and apparently is really excited to see her, etc. and of course will be disappointed if she is not there. In the split - by the way - it would have been impossible for him to have taken the dog, as my ex travels for business at least 50% of the time - it was agreed by both that we would take her.
Soo...as I said, he called me at work on Friday and was asking if I'd gotten a car yet, etc. He told me - "Well, if you can make it over here (to our old place) - I will *let* you take the car for a few hours to do your running around." (Umm...yeah...that's not a great offer, as my parents live approx 45 miles away from our old place - get a drive all that distance to use the car for *running around*). I turned him down...he also kept saying he had stuff of mine there - I asked what and he reluctantly admitted it was (junk) mail. I wanted to let him go and he started getting irate, asking me why I was soo bitter, etc. then started saying "Oh - and I'm not going to get to see the dog, am I? When are you bringing her over??" I told him that as I don't have a car right now, I couldn't commit to *anything*. He was mad and I just tried to end the conversation.....
I just don't know what to do.....when I was leaving at first I said I'd bring the dog over for when his son visited - but then the situation with the car came up and I feel really bitter about it - I mean, it would have really helped me out (and my parents, who have helped him immeasurably in the past) for me to take the car for the 1-2 weeks until my own car situation was sorted. Now he is on the phone to me complaining about how difficult it is getting rid of the car........hmmm!!
He says he wants to be in the dog's life and from a selfish perspective that may be good....someone else to help out so I don't have to pay boarding fees if I have to travel for work, etc. but - on the other hand - my instinct is telling me to cut all ties with this person (for now, at least) but - I do feel bad about his son visiting, expecting to see her. By the way - I bought the dog (he never wanted her), paid for all her vet care, etc. While he did like the dog, she was too *messy* for him and he was always ranting about how we had to get rid of her. I feel like going forward I will be assuming responsibility for her well being and care, as well as any financial responsibilities associated with her - so why should he have the benefit of visiting with her for the week-end whenever he wants??
I know that I am really bitter here and that I need to let some time pass but I just don't know what to do....I want to be fair to him (and the dog) but at the same time I just want him out of my life!! Help!!
Mel:(

From the sound of it, he didn't even like the dog and call me suspicious/cautious, but I wouldn't want the dog with him for her own safety or wondering what in the world he would do with her (ie. give her away or beat her), I almost want to say that he justs wants you to bring the dog over so you HAVE to see him from that example about him telling you that he still had some of your stuff. The dog is yours and he does not need to see her. If he has such a problem, he can go purchase his own and his son, well if he was only a child like 6 or 7 I would say as a good gesture, bring her over for a visit, but for crying out loud, he's 17. He's nearly an adult and can handle visiting without the dog. (Just a thought too, was he using the dog as a "lure" to get him to visit? This seems to be a pattern for him.)
This ex sounds like he's finding every excuse to get you to drive over there and make things more difficult, just so he can fight with you. Block his number and say bye bye to that jerk and cut all contact. I am so glad you were strong enough to leave him as I know that it can't have been easy.
In short, sharing the dog is just ridiculous as he didn't even have a real bond with her or invested in her at all and only complained. He needs to get a life of his own and stop ruining yours.
Edited 7/25/2004 4:23 pm ET ET by garlandfairy
Edited 7/25/2004 4:23 pm ET ET by garlandfairy
Thanks very much for your response - I agree completely with what you've said. I don't honestly think that he would harm the dog but he is a vendictive person, so I would be nervous in handing her over to him. You're right also about the son - at 17 he should be able to get over it. I guess my ex has never really played a very big role in his son's life so now it's like everything has to be *perfect* when he visits, etc.
We have a couple of bills left to sort out...one cell phone bill I have to pay and our last phone bill. Maybe I'll call the phone company tomorrow to see if I can get copies and get it sorted out with him ASAP. Turns out that the car I was able to get is much nicer than the one we had (due to my stepfather's business connection to the car dealership), so I don't want to go anywhere near him next week when I have the new car - it will probably make him even more bitter and he'll no doubt make some comment to the extent that my parents are paying for it (when they are not - I am leasing it myself).
I should also go as soon as possible to have my mail forwarded to my new address.....that way he'll have no more excuses to try and set up a meeting between us. Honestly - I just don't know why he won't let go and let sleeping dogs lie (except for shared bills of course, which have to be settled - but that could easily be done via email).
Hmmm....only one more week to go and hopefully all of this will be resolved!! I know that I'm definitely *not* moving in with someone again unless I am 150% sure about their character. :(
Thanks again......
Mel :)
I won't lie - it's tough being totally responsible for a dog. Mine are old and so far this year I've spent almost $3,000 at the vet. It's hard making decisions about their health, test & surgeries all by myself but I'm happy my ex doesn't see them.
You sound like a smart girl and I'm sure you'll get over this jerk soon :)
-Sheryl