Breaking up and staying friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Breaking up and staying friends?
14
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:26am
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years when he broke up with me on monday. We were each others first loves, and we lost our virginity to each other. We were best friends before we went out. We are 18 and came to the same city for uni in september so we could be near each another. He says he wishes he hadn't hurt me but we fought too much and it was making him unhappy, so he just wants to be single for a while and focus on his studies. I am heartbroken. I saw him on wednesday and he comforted me in a way that none of my friends are ever able to. He just knows how to make me feel safe. He hugged me, kissed my forehead and lay on top of me because he knows how safe it makes me feel and I told him I was scared. He says he wants us to be friends, best friends even. He said we have 3 choices, lose each other completely which he said would be very sad, be what he calls 'crap friends' or a normal friendship, or be best friends 'like us'. We still care about each other alot. I still love him, he says he does love me but not enough to be unhappy, and he never meant to do this but now he can't go back on it. He hates how upset he's made me. He cried went he thought we wouldn't stay friends or that I hated him. I cry all the time. Tomorrow he's coming over for lunch to discuss everythign and see where we stand, he says its my decision whether I can be his friend but he really hopes we can be. I don't know what to say. It'll be very hard to see him but I think it will be equally hard not to. And he's been the person I'm closest to for so many years. Also he has a little brother who's 2 and a half who I would miss terribly, I love him like my own sibling and I'd hate to never see him grow up. I know that sounds weird but its true. I don't want my ex to not be a part of my life, I care about him and his family too much. But is it possible to stay friends with someone you still love? Has anyone does this? Can I get over him if he's still around? He said maybe we'll get back together one day but not now, and nothing is definate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:43am

Melon-
I feel for you, I really do because I have been and still am in the same type of situation. My bf and I were together for over a year, he broke up with me in June, we got back together in July, he then broke up with me again in August and then we did not speak to each other for about a month, then started speaking to each other about 2 months ago.

I have to tell you, it has been very very hard on me. Due to something that happened between us, something that he witnessed while we were broken up, he only sees me as a friend and it's been hard for me to accept that. We also fought a lot during our relationship, but I felt these fights were due to misunderstandings, something him and I could work out. In any case, during these 2 months him and I have fought a lot, mostly because I have had a hard time accepting the fact that he just wants to be friends and not date ANYONE for awhile. I love him, very dearly, but I am learning to just relax and take it as it comes to me. He has not closed his mind to not getting back together, but I agree, it will take time.

So my advice is this: if you can't handle him rejecting you as a love interest (this broke my heart the most, him rejecting me over and over again) and have a difficult time accepting and RESPECTING the fact that he does NOT want to be with you, I recommend a break from speaking to him. I feel that if my ex and I had taken a break from speaking to each other, this had come easier to me, he suggested taking a break but I said no, I need to deal with it however it comes. As a result we have fought to the point where he has said to me on 2 occasions that "Do me a favor, don't EVER call me, email me or IM me again", but we're still talking...

So in conclusion, you can be his friend eventually once you have moved on, but trust me, right now being friends will be hard, I have been an emotional wreck this whole 2 months and only about a week ago learned to control my emotions and feelings, did not think I had it in me, but maybe my ex saying to me that he never wants to hear from me again finally made me realize that I have to start being a true friend and not piss him off by constantly hassling him...I hope this helps!

~T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 1:41pm

No, you two cannot be friends at all. Everything is going to change now that you have split. He will start dating women, he will fall in love with someone else and if you stay as "friends" that is going to hurt you more and more. The only way to stop it is to STOP IT. It is simple, it hurts at the beginning but once that you are over him you realise that it was the best choice. I tell you from experience.

This message board is full with stories about how bad "being friends" turn out. It does not work. Yes, you will have to stop seeing his family and again it is going to hurt at the beginning but eventually you will move on and will meet other people who also make you happy.

He is a silly boy. You two cannot be "best friends" because best friends talk about women, men, sex, lovers, etc. and I am 100% sure that you won't like to hear how much he fancies a new girl, will you?. To him it is so easy to ask you to be friends. Men always move on quickly, it is part of nature, I think. But no, it is not the best thing for you. Don't think of what he wants but of what you need to heal soon and no contact is the only solution. Believe me, read the stories in this board. Everybody says so because it is true. No contact is the only way out.

I understand that it is difficult for you to let him go, but sooner or later you will realise that life is hard and this experience will help you to be better prepared next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 3:00pm
Well I disagree, and I'll tell you why now. Today he came round and we talked, and I found out that a girl who he likes alot asked him out yesterday. He was very upset about the fact that he feels ready to move on already. He feels awful that he hurt me but he likes this girl, and he wants to see where things go with her. He told her he had to talk to me first, and he cried when he told me, and he obviously hated himself and had really beaten himself up about doing this to me. And I hated seeing him cry, so I looked him in the eye and I said do you know what you're going to do, you're going to go and see her and tell her that yes you will go out with her, because I can see it'll make you happy. So I've already had to hear about him liking other girls, dating other girls, I know he kissed this girl, and however much it hurts I just want him to be happy, and he looked happy when I told him to do that. So I'm seeing him on wednesday, and we're going to take his little brother out next week, and I'm a bit calmer knowing where I stand, and that he's ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 4:13pm

All I can say is guys really STINK. I never ever thought I would become one of those people but I have been so hurt by this man that I thought was the love of my life, and he "can't decide".....WELLLLL, to me indiscision is a decision - - like thanks but no thanks.

I can't be friends, I just read on another board a thought to consider, do you want to be friends and watch him date other people...I don't.

I know I am ranting Melon1687, but it seems too common a proposal to me...not my cup of tea. I just can't be friends with someone whom I loved deeply then he left.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 4:47pm
Experts say and people here say, you need to DETACH first..time apart...some say 30 days..some say months BEFORE you can start something new. I can say from experience detaching is best and NC. Peace..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 10:26pm
30 days was not nearly enough time for me. When I broke up with my ex there was NC for over 4 months. I thought we could be friends after that. As soon as we saw each other those old feelings rushed back for both of us and we were kissing after about a half hour. I have no clue how long it would take. This time I'm not chancing it. I will never contact him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:02am
hey there,
I'm currently in a similar situation as well. I am also 18, and my relationship with my ex was my first serious relationship, he as well was my first. He also said he wanted to be friends, and I from the beginning told him it was going to be too hard, but he just didn't get why it would be,when after all we've been through together why would we just throw it all away? He says its going to take time. But honestly, what kind of friends would we be...he says friends that talk, hang out and are there for one another. I don't understand how you can go from being so in love to just "friends." We've been trying for the last month to be friends, but it has been too difficult, we just end up arguing about why we broke up or how we are feeling. So I've decided to step back, which has been really hard. Some days I feel perfectly fine, because i'm so busy with my friends or school, then it hits me when I am by myself just how much i miss him and the things we did together. There isn't really one thing I can pin point that went wrong in our relationship, we argued towards the end, but they were mostly misunderstandings. I've been going over in mind the last month about what went wrong, and I still don't know, maybe i will never know. I guess I just have to pick myself up and start again, I'm still young. I know I can't be in another relationship right now, because right now the only one I want is with him. I've never had to go through something like this before, leaving some one out of my life for a while, and its really hard, but it's probably for the best. I hope you're dealing with this better than I am.
Melissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:09am
Hey Melissa, that does sound very similar to how I'm feeling. Also my ex has moved on already, after less than a week! He feels very bad about it but he likes her alot. I've asked them to wait a while to give everyone space. He spoke to her and they agreed that this would benefit everyone, and he will hopefully feel less guilty this way (he hates himself for hurting me). I understand that you need space form your ex, I often feel this way too, and I know that it must have been very hard for you to cut him out of your life and I hope that one day you will be able to talk as friends again. However I feel that this is something I have to try, we care about each other alot and I enjoy his company, even as friends. Even this week when we have been going over where we stand, there are moments that I enjoyed because I like his company. If we find it too hard then I might have to revise this decision, but I am going to try my hardest for us to be good friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 7:02am

Hello,

Listen to yourself. He is trying to move on and you are dragging him down. Let him have a relationship with his new girl, the only person who needs space and time is YOU!!! not him.

Do you honestly think that you really want to be happy?, why do you keep torturing this poor guy by making him feel guilty?, why does he need your approval to date this girl?. You are manipulating him and I hope that he realises it soon. Real love means freedom, let him go and be happy. Having you in his life is only going to make him feel guilty and eventually he will resent that. As any other women, I also think that it is not fair that men move on so quickly and women don't, but who can we blame on?. It is not HIS fault that he has moved on in a week. It is not his fault that he stopped loving you, so it is not really HIM who is hurting you, it is just how things are, unfortunately.

You need to give him space and start healing. I am sure that you two can be friends, but not at this moment. Not while you are still in love and making him feel guilty about it. Eventually, that is going to destroy your friendship. It is better not to contact him for a while and when you are truly recovered then you can start being friends again.

iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:19pm

Mel-
You have decided to go against what everyone has suggested, which is NC. You really have chosen the hard way. It may not seem like that now, and there is no way on this earth that you can convince me otherwise. Some of us are older and have already taken that hard rode...(ahem) several times. :(

This situation isn't good for anyone. Imagine if you started dating a guy and he was still talking to his one week old EGF, having lunch, crying on her shoulder, etc. Would you want that? You may not think you owe that kind of thing to this girl, but trust me, karma is a bitch. Now, your ebf is not exactly handling things very well either, so I'm not cutting him any slack either.

You can't bs us because we have been there. I think you are in serious denial that you really can be friends. I'm sure you will want all the details about their relationship and you will be totally happy for him, right?

But, I'm afraid no matter what I say, it won't convince you. You will want whatever you can get from him right now, even if that costs you your happiness. Get pissed off if you have to. Why shoud he get to have a new gf AND still get to see his egf too? I would say that eases his guilt. I'm not saying he's not a nice guy, just immature.

That's all I have to say...good luck. You're going to need it.

 

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