breaking down bad right now

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
breaking down bad right now
2
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 12:45am

ok - so im just gonna type away ...

i have a stats final exam tomorrow morning and its BRUTAL. right now, ill probably fail -theres wayyyy too much and i dont know enough!

im feeling pretty crappy about it.

worse part - stats is reminding me of my ex. i know its soo stupid, but its sooo true. this whole semester, every time him and i go to starbucks to do work together - ive only ever been doing stats.. he'll sit tehre with his laptop and he'll be doing his work, while i sit there with my stats text studying... or he'll be reading on his bed, while ill be doing my stats... and just when we were getting back together again - was exactly around the time that i had my mditerm for this class.. and i remember feeling like i was going to fail that too and he was soo supportive and encouraged me and i ended up doing a lot better than i though... i remember how he kept texting me while i was at my study group...

so every chapter i seem to be flipping through - is reminding me of him. every note ive taken is reminding me of him. and the fact that i feel so unsure about this final exam tomorrow morning is making me need his support that much more and im feeling soo much more upset upon realization that he's not there.

and beyond that - i keep remembering how he was there for me last year when i took the first stats class!!! that was before we broke up the first time - and i remember how he promised me that if i failed it - hed study it with me the second time!!

the whole days been bad too. i had set up a bunch of different alarms to go on this morning and i had used my old cell phone for some of the rings. and when i woek up - for some reason i was compelled to flip through my messages on that cell - and when i did, i realized that i hadnt deleted the message on it - and i found all the ones he had left me just two weeks before we broke up. i flipped through the first few and wanted to puke. they were so nice, so sweet and so genuine - i dont understand how two weeks later - that all goes down the drain. i erased them. i erased my call logs too cause they were all of him. i thought i destroyed every piece of evidence but apparently, i left some of it behind :(

and then for lunch - i had the take out that him and i had just 7 days before we broke up. i couldnt eat. i threw it away.

i havent eaten all day. ive had a pear, a couple chips and a granola bar. its past midnight right now and i feel ill with pain. ive lost soo much weight in these last four weeks. and i dont want to - but i just cant seem to get my appetite back for the life of me.

i want to call him sooooooooo badly. i want to beg him. i want to cry to him. i just want his hug more than anything right now.

im sitting in my office alone on campus right now. there really isnt a single soul around and i feel even more lonely. i dont want to go home either cause ill just end up sleeping and not studying (planning on pulling an all nighter here) and .. i dunno.

i just feel sooooooooo down right now. im bawling as i write this. and it sucks because in the last few days, ive been SOOOOOOOO strong. i havent cried once, ive felt fine about everything, feeling really good... and all of a sudden this hits.

i know that these pains come in and out, but really - why must it come at a point where i need to focus the most??? ill be graduating soon - i dont have time to fail a course!

i hate this so much. its a saturday night and hes probably out?? or at home?? probably not even thinking about me at all.. i dont even want to think that maybe hes with someone else??

im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. how does he let me go?? how does he tell me how much he cares about me just days before?? and my ex isnt the player type or the lying jerk either - so ... how does he just toss his feelings aside?? this whole breakup with him has been SOO messed up. it breaks my heart to have heard him say, "ofcourse it feels right" to be with me.... so i dont understand?!?!

ugh. can someone please erase these memories?? can someone just take away my feeligns for him?? can someone just enter his stupid head and interrupt those stupid fear thoughts of his?!?! can someone just make me stop hurting???

im lost right now. all i know is - it hurts. and i miss him. and i cant focus right now when i need to the most. i need his hug. i want to speak with him.

ugh.. just venting and bawling.

:'(
eeksj.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 2:01am

Hey there, I can totally empathize with what you're going through...but you need to pull it together. You can think about all this stuff AFTER the exam!!! Don't let him do this to you...this is too important for you to mess it up.

Every time tonight that you start thinking about him, you need to yell STOP! or bang your hand on the desk or whatever, and force yourself to stop. When I'm doing thought-stopping to get through something at work, it helps me to say something like, "I can't think about that now. I'll think about it tomorrow after the meeting is over".

You can do it. Hang in there, and ace that exam...but you NEED to get some sleep, you're not going to perform as well if you don't. Allow yourself at least five hours if at all possible.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 9:07am
eeks, I will think good thoughts this morning for you and that exam. Just stay focused right now, you know you can do it. Besides, once its done you can pass, and go and no more stats memories of the ex because you won't have to take it anymore (right? I don't know). Ugh. I don't know. Hope you're doing okay.