Breaking up with a Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Breaking up with a Friend
3
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:17am
I met this guy 3 months ago, at a bar of all places, we really hit it off and for our first date a few days later he cooked me dinner and we talked all night. Over the next three months we became inseparable, we saw each other every day and talked at least once a day. We were dating at first, but decided that being friends was better for us as he had just gotten out of a year long relationship and realized he was not ready to date yet. I was completely fine with that. I was not even sure I was ready to date him or anyone else, for that matter, either. I was so busy with my full time job, my at-home business and having fun with my friends that I barely even saw the last guy I dated. Besides he was not the type of guy I normally dated. I usually date "big, burly" manly men and he is a short, sensitive Asian guy with more shoes than any guy I had ever met.

We had a blast together...movies, walks, talking. We talked about the holidays, and going camping. I had never had such a connection with someone so quickly or so intensely. We complimented each other so well and were both amazed at how comfortable we were talking about anything and everything. He was still upset over his ex and we talked a lot about her and I helped him work through his emotions. Everything was going fine.

We would often spend the night at each other’s houses, and sleep in the same bed, but not have sex. We both knew that was a little beyond the friendship aspect, but just liked being together. I loved waking up next to him. A few days ago, we were hanging out as his place after work and usually I would just stay over. He seemed different, almost like he didn’t want me to stay (maybe it was all in my head). So I left and normally it wouldn’t have bothered me, but for some reason I felt so rejected and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had fallen for him.

He was no longer a friend to me, but someone I had strong feelings for. I cried the whole way home and cried myself to sleep that night. He called me to say good night, as he always does, and knew something was wrong. I lied and told him everything was fine. The next day was miserable for me. I called him during the day and told him I wanted to talk to him that night, but of course, the whole story came out and I told him that I couldn’t just be friends with him anymore and that I had feelings for him. I told him I didn’t know how it happened but I couldn’t change it. I felt so stupid and so vulnerable. I mean, how could I not see this was happening?

I called my close friends, all whom have met him, and they couldn’t believe I didn’t know. It was crazy, like a dream spiraling out of control! We talked later that night, and he still wants to see me, as friends. He says I am a part of his life too and doesn’t want to lose me completely and that not seeing me would hurt him. I want more and it’s killing me to see him or talk to him knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way. He has become such a part of my life, that I can’t imagine a day without talking to him. I feel so lost. If I continue to see him as friends, my feelings are only going to intensify and I am going to get hurt worse. If I stop the friendship now, I am hurting both of us. I am just so confused and could really use some advice. Thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:17pm
What has helped me in similar situations is to think in terms of taking a *break* from your friendship, rather than thinking you can never be friends again. Take a couple months without contact (or however long it takes to get over your romantic feelings for him) and then get back in touch when you are ready to be strictly platonic friends again. You'll know you're ready when the thought of him telling you about his great new girlfriend doesn't upset you.

Good luck. I have been able to reconnect as friends in a couple of cases, so don't assume all is lost.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:40pm
Whoa- GOOD GIRL! You told him that you had feelings for him- and sounds to me he has more feelings for you than hes putting out for you to believe! Men can not have a platonic relationship like you two had(usually) with a woman, without feeling more for them than they are out to make you believe unless he just discovered he was gay. Im thinking that he still has hope that him and his x will still get back together in his mind- or that- he does'nt want to ruin the most wonderful bond with a woman hes ever had by messing it up with technical b.s. (relationship). He sounds like a great guy and its my intuition he feels the same way you feel about him. However, I strongly advise you to still remain good friends with him, let him come to you when he's ready. Put the attraction aside- by throwing a blanket over your heart. Walls are good- especialy in this case because your vulnerable to him. If he is really a good friend like you say he is, he wont be bringing up other women around you and this will make you feel more comfortable with your continued friendship with him. Or if your not sure- you lay the ground rules down to him, for your continued friendship with him. You were honest with him with your feelings(which is admirible) - now the ball is in his court. I will prewarn you now though- since he knows you are attracted to him, getting drunk with him might be the biggest no no of your friendship. If he were to get drunk with you and he knows you are attracted, things may happen(sex). This may cause a rush of feelings hes not ready to face for himself and cause an early termination to your friendship- happens all the time! Good luck stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:41pm
Welcome to the board!!! You are in a tough situation (like you needed me to tell you that). You are so right though....if you continue the way you are.....your feelings probably will grow stronger but on the other hand it will be painful for both of you to stop the friendship. I had a situation simillar to this once and we maintained an e-mail only friendship until we were ready to go back to being friends....but even that was difficult. I think maybe you should just take time to yourself....with no distractions....and figure out what you feel is best.....maybe even write out a pro/con list. Also keep in mind....whatever decision you make isn't set in stone.....if you want to stop the friendship until you're completely over him and pick it up later....that's completely fine to....as long as you are truly over him and know where to draw the line. It hink you will make the best decision for you and no matter what you decide we're here to support you and offer any advice we can. Good luck and keep us posted!!!
Photobucket