Breaking His Heart
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| Fri, 03-24-2006 - 12:17pm |
Hi there.
First off, I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We lived together off and on throughout our relationship, as well as having a long-distance relationship. For the past year I have been going to college an hour away from my boyfriend. I have recently decided to switch schools and move back home (eight hours away).
This past Christmas, I went to visit my parents who live overseas. My boyfriend was invited to come but backed out. I had a wonderful time and was really happy. I didn't miss my boyfriend at all. I made the mistake of telling him I missed him. After I came back, my boyfriend told me how he was extremely upset that I went to visit my parents. This stems from whenever I have vacation from school, I always come back home. Right now we're visiting my family for my Spring Break. My parents asked me to come back and visit them in May. I really want to go, but I have already told my boyfriend that I won't go. If I to do go, he will be competely crushed. I think that if I truly love him, I wouldn't mind compromising and not go. But I don't feel that way, I still really want to go. Another thing, is it unreasonable for him to feel like this, or am I being unreasonable for wanting to visit my family?
The thing is, I have been thinking for a few months about breaking up with him. I don't know if I'm happy with him anymore, I don't know if I'm still in love with him, I still do love him though. I just don't know if I have the guts and the heart to break up with him and completely break his heart. He has a really bad life and home life, no job, no car, no friends so basically I'm his whole happiness. Which I know isn't good, but I let it happen. I just feel like I would ruin his life. I don't think I would be able to handle how sad he will feel if I do break up with him. Then I keep wondering if I should break up with him, I start thinking of all the good things about him. But yet, I still wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, and to do all the things I wouldn't get to do if I were with him.
So my question is, how in the world do I break up him? How would I deal with the guilt of breaking his heart and leaving him?
Thanks for any help you can give me.

Don't led him on because he has a miserable life. You should break up with him as soon as possible because it will get harder and harder as time goes by. Honey, it's not your fault. Don't feel guilty. You can't control your feelings. People grow apart. There's nothing you can do about it. Be honest with him. He might take it well and he might not. Most likely he won't because break ups are really hard but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Good luck!
HI CHRISTYLYNN
DONT GET ME WRONG...WHAT YOUR DOING IS NOT RIGHT. IF YOU THINK YOUR NOT INLOVE WITH THE PERSON SET HIM FREE..DONT BE UNFAIR. I KNOW I UNDERSTAND YOU STILL WORRY COZ HIS JOBLESS. WELL THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM AND ONE THING HE DOESNT HAVE A GUT TO SEE YOUR FAMILY OR BE WITH THEM COZ HE FEEL TOO LOW..HE THINK HIS WORTHLESS AND HE TOO SHY TO ADMIT THAT COZ HE DOESNT HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW TO YOUR FAMILY.
I'M ASSUMING THATS WHY HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE NO CONTACT W/ YOUR FAMILY COZ HIS TOO SCARED TO LOSE YOU...MAYBE NOT BECAUSED HE LOVES YOU...THE REASON IS HE CANNOT SUPPORT HIM SELF SO HE NEEDS YOU.
COZ IF A GUY LOVES YOU FOR MY OWN OPINION HE WONT LET YOU WORK ALONE...HE WILL BE HELPING AND SUPPORTING YOU...WHAT HAPPEN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP YOU LET HIM TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU OR SOME REASON LIKE YOU ADMIT YOU LET IT HAPPEN SO HE WILL BE FOREVER YOURS AND NOW YOU GET TIRED OF IT...WANTS TO KICK HIM OUT.
AS A FRIENDLY ADVISED JUST SET HIM FREE AND BESIDE YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE THIS "KARMA" RIGHT?
christylyn_clc...
Male perspective from Pianoguy:
You gave your b/f the option of joining you and your family at Christmas. For reasons known only to him, he declined. So why does he feel the need to "control what you do", "whom you want to see" and "how you wish to live your life?"
HE'S NOT MARRIED TO YOU!
Forgive me....but while you might be "his whole happiness" (your words)...does happiness include the ability to control someone? Obviously...that's where your b/f's happiness lies? No car, lack of a job and limited friendships are choices he has made!
You CAN'T solve them just by being there!
If you have a friend whom you can share a place with---MOVE OUT NOW! Then go visit your family in May. One of two things will probably happen:
1. Your b/f will become so p**sed AT YOU that he'll become angry, forget about you and take up with somebody else? He'll make the same mistakes...but you won't be involved in them!
OR
2. Your b/f will become so p**sed WITH HIMSELF that'll he'll have the desire to do a 'makeover on himself?' After which...he'll seek you out, ask your forgiveness and see if you're willing to TRY AGAIN?
Pianoguy
I was in a very similar situation to you not long ago. My now ex bf did not exactly have a lot going for him. He lived alone but in a high school dormitory where he had to live for his job, he had no car, no money, no friends nearby, and his family lives in another city. I felt like I was his only link to the real, adult world. In fact, he told me that exact phrase many times when we were together. Nonetheless, I started to feel like I wanted to be on my own again; the relationship was just becoming too burdensome for me, to be honest. But, of course, I felt very guilty that I was cutting him off from the world and that I was his whole world.
The advise I got over and over again that helped me was that he made his choices and I've made mine. Each of us has to individually live with the choices we make. My ex chose to take that job and not look for another, better job. He chose not to buy a car and instead to go on a trip this summer, and it is because of his choice that he doesn't the means or finances to see his friends on any kind of regular basis. I, on the other hand, have made very different choices for my life. I can't go around feeling guilty for his lifestyle when he made those decisions without me, and really, without any regard for our relationship.
So, my point is, you don't have to feel guilty if the relationship isn't working for you anymore. That is part of life and your bf will learn to accept it. If he really wants you in his life above all else, he will do what it takes for that to happen.
I know it is never easy to end a relationship, but you owe it to both him and yourself to do it sooner rather than later.
-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!