Breaking His Heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Breaking His Heart
8
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 12:17pm

Hi there.

First off, I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We lived together off and on throughout our relationship, as well as having a long-distance relationship. For the past year I have been going to college an hour away from my boyfriend. I have recently decided to switch schools and move back home (eight hours away).

This past Christmas, I went to visit my parents who live overseas. My boyfriend was invited to come but backed out. I had a wonderful time and was really happy. I didn't miss my boyfriend at all. I made the mistake of telling him I missed him. After I came back, my boyfriend told me how he was extremely upset that I went to visit my parents. This stems from whenever I have vacation from school, I always come back home. Right now we're visiting my family for my Spring Break. My parents asked me to come back and visit them in May. I really want to go, but I have already told my boyfriend that I won't go. If I to do go, he will be competely crushed. I think that if I truly love him, I wouldn't mind compromising and not go. But I don't feel that way, I still really want to go. Another thing, is it unreasonable for him to feel like this, or am I being unreasonable for wanting to visit my family?

The thing is, I have been thinking for a few months about breaking up with him. I don't know if I'm happy with him anymore, I don't know if I'm still in love with him, I still do love him though. I just don't know if I have the guts and the heart to break up with him and completely break his heart. He has a really bad life and home life, no job, no car, no friends so basically I'm his whole happiness. Which I know isn't good, but I let it happen. I just feel like I would ruin his life. I don't think I would be able to handle how sad he will feel if I do break up with him. Then I keep wondering if I should break up with him, I start thinking of all the good things about him. But yet, I still wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, and to do all the things I wouldn't get to do if I were with him.

So my question is, how in the world do I break up him? How would I deal with the guilt of breaking his heart and leaving him?

Thanks for any help you can give me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 12:28pm
First off, it seems to me that there love isn't there anymore. I felt the same way when I went back home to visit my friends. I felt so free and it had been a long time since I'd felt that way. He was supposed to go with me but didn't make it. We just broke up and I do love him but I am not in love with him. Do you feel the same way?
Don't led him on because he has a miserable life. You should break up with him as soon as possible because it will get harder and harder as time goes by. Honey, it's not your fault. Don't feel guilty. You can't control your feelings. People grow apart. There's nothing you can do about it. Be honest with him. He might take it well and he might not. Most likely he won't because break ups are really hard but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 12:52pm

HI CHRISTYLYNN

DONT GET ME WRONG...WHAT YOUR DOING IS NOT RIGHT. IF YOU THINK YOUR NOT INLOVE WITH THE PERSON SET HIM FREE..DONT BE UNFAIR. I KNOW I UNDERSTAND YOU STILL WORRY COZ HIS JOBLESS. WELL THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM AND ONE THING HE DOESNT HAVE A GUT TO SEE YOUR FAMILY OR BE WITH THEM COZ HE FEEL TOO LOW..HE THINK HIS WORTHLESS AND HE TOO SHY TO ADMIT THAT COZ HE DOESNT HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW TO YOUR FAMILY.

I'M ASSUMING THATS WHY HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE NO CONTACT W/ YOUR FAMILY COZ HIS TOO SCARED TO LOSE YOU...MAYBE NOT BECAUSED HE LOVES YOU...THE REASON IS HE CANNOT SUPPORT HIM SELF SO HE NEEDS YOU.

COZ IF A GUY LOVES YOU FOR MY OWN OPINION HE WONT LET YOU WORK ALONE...HE WILL BE HELPING AND SUPPORTING YOU...WHAT HAPPEN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP YOU LET HIM TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU OR SOME REASON LIKE YOU ADMIT YOU LET IT HAPPEN SO HE WILL BE FOREVER YOURS AND NOW YOU GET TIRED OF IT...WANTS TO KICK HIM OUT.

AS A FRIENDLY ADVISED JUST SET HIM FREE AND BESIDE YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE THIS "KARMA" RIGHT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:49am

christylyn_clc...

Male perspective from Pianoguy:

You gave your b/f the option of joining you and your family at Christmas. For reasons known only to him, he declined. So why does he feel the need to "control what you do", "whom you want to see" and "how you wish to live your life?"

HE'S NOT MARRIED TO YOU!

Forgive me....but while you might be "his whole happiness" (your words)...does happiness include the ability to control someone? Obviously...that's where your b/f's happiness lies? No car, lack of a job and limited friendships are choices he has made!

You CAN'T solve them just by being there!

If you have a friend whom you can share a place with---MOVE OUT NOW! Then go visit your family in May. One of two things will probably happen:

1. Your b/f will become so p**sed AT YOU that he'll become angry, forget about you and take up with somebody else? He'll make the same mistakes...but you won't be involved in them!

OR

2. Your b/f will become so p**sed WITH HIMSELF that'll he'll have the desire to do a 'makeover on himself?' After which...he'll seek you out, ask your forgiveness and see if you're willing to TRY AGAIN?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 4:02pm

I was in a very similar situation to you not long ago. My now ex bf did not exactly have a lot going for him. He lived alone but in a high school dormitory where he had to live for his job, he had no car, no money, no friends nearby, and his family lives in another city. I felt like I was his only link to the real, adult world. In fact, he told me that exact phrase many times when we were together. Nonetheless, I started to feel like I wanted to be on my own again; the relationship was just becoming too burdensome for me, to be honest. But, of course, I felt very guilty that I was cutting him off from the world and that I was his whole world.

The advise I got over and over again that helped me was that he made his choices and I've made mine. Each of us has to individually live with the choices we make. My ex chose to take that job and not look for another, better job. He chose not to buy a car and instead to go on a trip this summer, and it is because of his choice that he doesn't the means or finances to see his friends on any kind of regular basis. I, on the other hand, have made very different choices for my life. I can't go around feeling guilty for his lifestyle when he made those decisions without me, and really, without any regard for our relationship.

So, my point is, you don't have to feel guilty if the relationship isn't working for you anymore. That is part of life and your bf will learn to accept it. If he really wants you in his life above all else, he will do what it takes for that to happen.

I know it is never easy to end a relationship, but you owe it to both him and yourself to do it sooner rather than later.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 12:31am
Let me just say that I just went through the same thing that you are going through. Just last Thursday I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. Yes, it was hard, I cried like a child, but it had to be done. First, the whole situation about you seeing your parents, no question about it, they are your parents!! They are considered a top priority. Second, you explained that he doesn't have a job, car, etc...doesn't that prove anything to you? I can understand you love him because of who he is, but what will he be in the future? You are the one who is in school, it proves that you want to make something of yourself; honestly you do not need someone to bring you down. My ex got so upset with me that I stayed over my parents house, my first thought was who the hell is he to tell me not to stay at my parents house for the night?! And, he did not want me to socialize with others. He'd say I am your boyfriend, anything you need to talk about, you can tell me. That pissed me off even more. I mean I truly loved him, but this is my life, not his. You do what you gotta do; and if your doubting something, then get out of the relationship before its too late. Set up your priorites..first you, family, education, then put in someone else in the picture; you will be more balanced. Trust me. And, please do not think that someday he will change, cause he won't. He will eventually get over the break up, it will be hard, I admit. You are supposed to be happy with the person you are with. You are not supposed to live day to day worrying about hurting his feelings or getting him upset. You may feel bad now for him, but later you will feel bad for yourself. Just tell him how you feel, if he doesn't understand, then give him time to soak it all in. He will say that he will change, but he won't,so don't fall for it. You deserve to be happy and a man who gets upset with you for visiting your parents, is no real man at all. You need someone that will support you and understand you. I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:43pm
Whoops. I meant to get back here to reply to everyone a few days ago. Anyway, thanks for all the advice. Most everything made a lot of sense. I have a lot of thinking to do now. At the moment, I'm afraid to break up with him because I'm so far from my family and have no support system/friends here at school, I will be completely alone. Eh, well, we'll see what happens. Thanks for all your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 9:28am
I have to say I just broke up with my boyfriend OFFICIALLY yesterday. Even though I had done it a week ago, I went back and hung out and talked with him, which was SO wrong of me and I learned the hard way that I cannot have any contact with him right now for the healing process. You just depend on someone and like ya'll said, you don't want to break his heart. But through all of this I have realized, that I have a life too! and you can't spend it worrying about someone else's feelings, as much as you don't want to hurt them. At least they are feeling pain and you understand that it was real and you had something together. If you have ANY doubts that they are controlling, that they aren't right for you, if you don't know if you are in love or anything like that, that is a DEFINITE sign that you need to end it because it is NOT fair to them. I learned that and kept my relationship lingering and he even told me that from all of it, he hurts MORE now and I hate knowing that. But seriously you need to do it now because he will hurt more and he will not like you and begin to question who you are. Stay true to yourself, because if you stay with him you are being selfish because YOU don't want to hurt him and YOU want someone to be there for you and YOU are worried about all of it. It's really a selfish act because you are hurting him in the process. As hard as it is, you will figure out with time what to do, so of course you will worry, but just do the right thing and you will feel so much better. I know I do, even though it hurts and I am always thinking about him, I know I wasn't in love like he was and I don't want to be with him. If you do break up and find yourself wanting him back, make sure it's for sure, because I did that about 6 times seriously (and of course he took me back each time) but it's not healthy to do that, like I said I learned the hard way but when you do it, you might go back, but try to avoid him and have no contact, even though it is really hard. I tried breaking up and still talking on the phone and what not, but that gives him hope, which is not true. Dealing with the guilt will be hard, but seriously you will feel much better knowing you did the right thing. Although if you feel these doubts aren't that significant and that maybe he is the one you could try to work things out. But with me, my doubts were consuming and all I could think about was whether or not I should be with him, the thoughts seriously took over my life so I knew I HAD to break up with him. You'll figure out when the time is right, but just letting you know that if you keep it going you will hurt him more in the end and you will be way more upset with yourself. Good Luck and Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let everyone know! Keep posting thoughts and advice...Thanks.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:17pm
i really didnt understand your story if yall we're going out that long and you new he loved you then why in the hell dump him dang give me his phone number and i bet i can treat him a hell of alot better that what you can later