Breaking up for REAL...need support
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| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:41pm |
Hi All...after 5 and a half years of on and off with someone who did not treat me right (and I did not love myself the way I should) I am walking away for good. It has been 12 days and counting since I have had contact with him, and no contact needs to be the way to go, as every other way has only led to unhealthiness. I realize the problem lies with me and my own self-esteem versus the things he did, as I was not respecting myself by letting him treat me the way he did. Basically I didn't trust him, and I had reasons for that. I also never received the attention/support/respect I put in. Why did I stay? I guess I thought I could "make" him want to love me back and make our relationship work. I saw the good in him, and was not without fault myself. But I robbed myself and my heart of a real love--he was emotionally distant, never got my a single gift for any birthday or holiday (and I got him something each time) and hardly ever called me on his own or asked me to do things. Everything was on his own terms...am I pathetic? Yes but I am addressing these issues and changing how I think about myself and how I treat myself. It is funny because I have confidence in so many other areas of my life--I am beautiful, smart, successful and passionate, have a great supportive and loving family and huge group of friends. I fell head over heels for this guy when I was 20 and never let go of that feeling...despite how bad it was. He was not that into me though everytime I walked away he came back and gave me a reason to think it would work out...even accused me of giving up when I got tired of it all. We were NOT healthy--he came from an unhealthy environment and I lacked that core of self esteem that should have removed me from the situation long ago. I still put him on a pedestal of sorts and though I am FULLY committed to letting go, I know it is going to be long and hard. I am reading self-help books, visiting web sites and have in the past talked to a therapist(think I am good for now but can recognize the need when it arises).
How have people gotten over relationships that have become unhealthy habits? I know I am going to get to a healthy place and eventually meet someone who will redefien what I thought this love was and know it isn't...I just would love wisdom!
Thanks!

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Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel...and that is where the message boards, friends and family, self-help books, self-talk, journals and even a counselor help so much. Good for you for being as strong as you have been--and very good analysis of his message--been there don that with my ex--a while back he "realized" it was his problem, said he would get therapy, I gave him another chance and the same old...and he never got the therapy:)
It has been three weeks for me! I went shopping today and bought myself some feel-ggod clothes:) It is not always easy--I drove past his friend and someone was in the car-- it may have been him but I did not even look. I felt for an instant like I was punched in the stomach but then I told myself I was making this choice, I was moving on and I know I will never talk to him again, so as much as it hurt, I was not going to feel bad. And I turned up the radio and started singing and felt better. Really. It is all in the power of thought and how you want to treat the situation.
Let go for real--he will not change. And if he does, it will NOT be anytime soon. I have let go of the hope that he will change and am really making this be about ME...I am regaining my life, my confidence and my self-worth. And that is far more important than ever waiting around for someone who treated me like dirt all the time--he does not deserve me.
Let it hurt but also do proactive things to keep moving on and growing--you don't want to get stuck in the sadness!
I do get stuck in the sadness though. It comes in waves. One minute I am working out, kicking but at work, I am painting rooms in my house and just think I have got it all together BUT then boom...I have no motivation for anything and I get upset and cry. I know he wont chnage. It took him 4.5 years to "realize" which again I think is his way of getting closure and keeping me from hating him or something so I know he will not chnage overnight. I know too its over for real. It has to be. I put too many years in this and its not a waste but I dont want to put anymore time inot it then I have to. It hurst like you said, you know you wont ever talk to him again and I know I wont either. Other guys I have seen I can talk to but him i know I wont. What bothers me is that they dont see it. They dont see the hurt they caused or see what they do to us. I used to tell him how hurt I would get but now I dont say anything.
Buying clothes for me is always a mood engancer. especially summer clothes right now becasue it is cold where I live and I do get excited about buying all the cute tops and dresses but then, here is where I am going nuts, I get sad becasue he wont see them and I wish he could. Oh well. you know I pikced up this book once and opened to a page with a saying that every women needs to have a man, like our ex's, in their lives in order to sppreciate the good ones. I think and nelieve everything happnes for a reason. We met these men, loved them as much as we did and put up with it probably longer then we had to FOR A REASON. Dont know what that reason is but there is one.
There is def. a reason!!! We needed these men to show us the importance of treating ourselves right and taking responsibility for our OWN happiness...and when we do find our Mr. Rights, we will be in the right place to appreciate them for all they are worth, and to have a healthy love.
My ex does not care how much he hurt me--my feelings were not a priority--and I was so easy to forgive, to make excuses, that he knew he could get away with it. Whatever he thinks or feels now is not my concern--he may wake up one day and regret it, but I will not care. Let go of caring--you are not trying to look good for him--this is all about you. Please understand that and try to release yourself of him...and let it hurt, but only for a little while--set aside time if you need to. Wear a rubber band and snap it every time you start to think of him:) You already are growing from this, and benefiting from it. Let him be who he is and be grateful you are out of the situation no--and have the option of never talking to him again!
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