Breaking up is Sad..
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:28am |
Hi all -
Sorry so long! I just need to let it out.
It happened, we broke up. 2 years and many times of back and forth, "Are you committed to me? Do you really want to be with me?" And him saying, "Yes of course," or "I don't know." or blah blah blah.
He's young, I was ready for a committed serious relationship and he thought he was too but found out that there's so much to a relationship than he thought. And he didn't think he could handle it. He says that I'm all he could ask for and he could definitely see me in the future. But he IS young (we're both 24) and was scared of committment and afraid to be with me for the rest of his life. He didn't know what that meant, if he could live his life the way he wanted, if there were other things he wanted to accomplish. It just scared him.
And he confessed that he cheated on me. He made out with a girl a few months ago. He said it was a huge mistake and it killed him that he hurt me so much. He regretted it the moment it happened. I know that he truly felt sorry. He said he never wanted it to happen again. It happened because we were in a fight and he was mad and was so scared of committing to me and being tied down. We both never thought that he could do such a thing.
And it hurt when he told me but I understood. He was afraid and acted out and it had nothing to do with the girl, it was a symptom of his feelings.
Now we're not together because he needs to figure things out and figure out why he did what he did and what I mean to him and he needs to be sure of me if he wants to be with me.
He was soo sad and regretted it so much and wished it never happened. I too wish it never happened but at least he knows that he isn't as committed as he thought and I don't want to be with someone that isn't 100% committed to me. And it's not that he doesnt love me so much, it's just that he's young and boys get scared and don't realize what they really have because they're clouded by their frightendness.
So now I am without boyfriend and I seem to be doing fine.. And I'm thinking, why? I'm almost afraid that it didn't hit me yet. And when it does, it's going to be waterfalls!
There's a wedding of his sister's best friend in a few weeks and he had invited me to it before, and still wants me to go. And he still wants to help me move into my new place. Plus I have his car and need to return it to him by the wedding. I told him, let's not talk for the next 2.5 weeks and the day before the wedding, you let me know if you still want me to go and I'll think about it and also let you know.
I'm thinking I shouldn't go but I feel so comfortable with him and his family that I feel like it's okay if I DO go. And after the wedding, back to NC. ... ??
So I guess my thing is - I feel like he will come back to me but I don't want to bank on it. So I need to act and BE single. And that means I need to move on. I feel suprisingly okay about it. I wonder if this is normal?
Maybe because I've been through this with him before, maybe because I've read so many posts here that Ive figured out what to do (i.e. find activites, occupy myself), and I've realized that I deserve better, I deserve someone who is so sure about me and won't go around making out with other girls cause he's scared. I am not so scary! (:-P)
Maybe because I'm trying to be realistic and I know I can find guys and there may be a better catch out there for me.
Or maybe because I have hope. But this hope may be false and may hurt me in the end.
I love him and care for him SO MUCH. We've shared SO MUCH together and have been so close and so fortunate to have met each other. And he feels the same. He's just going through some things he has to figure out himself. But it's not a break. It's a break up.
Why am I not devastated?
Maybe you'll see another post a week from now venting and balling my eyes out to you guys.
:-P

haha, thanks.
I just feel like it's surreal. Like it really hasn't happened yet. Maybe that's why I'm not miserable. But I feel like it's a necessary step to go through - being sad - in order to move on. So, as I said, I'm sure it'll hit me.
But in the meantime I have to keep my head up. I'm freakin going through my quarter life crisis and I'm not even 25 yet! I can't waste any time. I have so many things about myself that I need to accomplish and improve and experience!
This is my logical side coming out. Soon you may see the crazy, irrational, emotional side of me after reality sets in.. I'm already experiencing moments of extreme sadness, and then moments of peace.
The wedding although, will be a touchy situation..
*sigh*
Okay it's happening -
I'm PISSED.
HOW COULD HE CHEAT ON ME????? I'm SOO PISSED! I'm understanding at one moment when I'm looking at him while he's crying and feeling bad. But when I'm not around him, I'm thinking about every single freakin detail of how he made out with this other girl!
I can't stop thinking! How could he totally disregard MY existence! And just put his lips on someone else????!!!!!!!! It PISSES the HELL out of me.
I am SOOO MADDDD. I would NEVER do anything like that to him, and I definitely had many chances.
How can someone just forget that they're in a relationship with someone and make out with someone else!????
I feel like I have to break NC and talk with him tonight. Should I?? What kind of closure would I get? I'm just so mad. He's over it cause it happened a long time ago, but I am DEFINITELY not over it.
I think I'm going to have to talk with him. And I feel like I have to know every single detail from him. But why? What good will that do? Will I get peace? comfort? I can't get it out of my head. I feel like I need to know exactly what happened. even if he tried to forget about it and knew it was a one time thing. Its probably not a big deal to him, but I cannot get over it!!!!!!
And I know it's not what exactly happened that matters, it's the fact that IT HAPPENED. And I should forget all the details that will make me sad. But I can't.
ARGH!!!!!!!!