breaking up...again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
breaking up...again
6
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:17pm
I've been dating this guy from Jan 04 till now, June 05. Everything has been wonderful so far. At about 9 months, we told each other we loved each other (very mutual). He's 38, I'm 45. At Christmas I was hoping for a ring. He gave me a present at his family's Christmas party. It was a big box, inside was a series of smaller and smaller boxes. It ended up being an electronic gadget which I had casually mentioned that I wanted, kind of like an I-Pod. I think that everyone was surprised . . . I think everyone in the room thought it was going to be a ring also. Anyway, at the one year mark we had a relationship talk, started by me. I told him that I wanted something long term, ie marriage, and he said he had absolutely no clue that's what I was wanting. Well, I said that I wouldn't be around forever, and hoped he would take the hint that if he didn't make a move in the next few months it would be over, and especially since I have a lot to offer someone...I'm well-educated, good career, house, good looking. I'm not going to wait around forever, especially since we've been so close. He's kind of a free spirit type of person too, so I knew I had to push the envelop a little. Well, the end of April I made the decision to move on as nothing further had developed. I told him that we wanted different things from our rel. and he pretty much knew what that meant. He was sad, both of us cried, etc. About a week later he emailed me and we started talking. He said he didn't understand how I could want to marry him one week and not want any contact the next. He said, how can you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, then not even be friends with them? That was what I had said I wanted to happen, no contact. So...what he said seemed to make sense. So I said we could be friends, just friends. I've started dating other people, but none of them can hold a candle to him. We've started seeing more of each other, and in the past week, we've resumed being intimate, when we went to the beach together. I'm a fairly religious person, being influenced by living in the deep south also, and I've never really been comfortable with sex outside of marriage. Anyway, we went to the beach and everything was perfect. But I started thinking when I got back that everything was still the same way it was before we broke up so I called him last night and broke it off again. I told him that nothing had changed. I feel like we're in some kind of weird power struggle. I'm miserable without him, and I'm not happy with the situation as it is. He IM'd me this morning and we talked again. He said that he had been thinking a lot about us, about marriage and all when we were on our trip, and how we keep getting closer and closer, but that he wasn't ready for marriage. He says that if I love him, I'll wait for him, that it's just a matter of a little more time for him, and I'm saying that if he doesn't know by now, he'll never know. He keeps saying that he's afraid that the least little thing he does wrong I'll just want to end it all. The only thing we have ever had any disagreements about is the marriage thing though. We get along perfectly besides that. And the thing is, I don't know if he ever will be ready for it. I don't know if I should make this the final goodbye or what? He obviously still wants to talk as he IM'd me this a.m. I'm afraid this is going to be an awful pattern, and I don't want to start this up again. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. And obviously we tried and can't maintain a "just friends" relationship, because of the physical part happening. On one hand I feel like I might be too premature and demanding and on the other hand I think that he's just giving me a line. Should I just accept the relationship as it is, or move on? I'm so confused. I don't know how long is too long to continue dating without that commitment or what??!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:32pm

You don't want the same things (and how and why you managed to date for a year without discussing that is a total mystery to me!!!). If he wanted marriage to you, he's had plenty of time to figure that out.

Move on, and give up this crazy idea of being "friends" for the time being (I can't believe you bought his whacked logic!). You can be "friends" when you're both completely over each other, but not now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 7:20pm

Hi carolinagirl,

It seems like he doesn't know what he wants and the best thing would be to tell him that until he figures it out, you two need to not be together. If he really loves you he'll figure out what he wants pronto and come back to you, pulling out all the stops and fighting off his fear of marriage, if for nothing else, than to be with you.

Friendship is difficult. If you guys can't keep from being intimate, then the best thing is to just stop talking for now. Let him get his head on straight.

When marriage is right, it's right. There isn't really a time limit. If you're ready and he's not, there's not alot you can do about it except accept that he's not and whether YOU can deal with that. The idea is that the right relationship has everyone on the same page - and that's not happening here.

Good luck with figuring out what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 7:36pm
Thanks for your input. I'm really upset about everything because I don't know if I can be strong enough to stand by my convictions if he does contact me, or strong enough to not contact him...I've been sick with crying over him for the past 2 days. He IM'd me last night and we did that for nearly 2 hours but once again nothing was resolved, although he seemed like he was really really close to wanting what I want. But close doesn't count. I just have to do what's right for me, and have no communication whatsoever, I guess, if I want to get over him. And I told him that. To kind of buffer it, b/c I knew he would object to no contact ever, I said for us to wait till after the first of the year to have any contact, then maybe we could be friends. I feel like I'm doing this to myself, but I'm miserable in the same old situation also. I know that there's someone out there who wants to be with me 100%...and even if there isn't, I'm prepared for that also. I've recently renewed my faith, and that is really what is driving my actions, so if it's in God's plan for us to be together, it'll happen, and if not, it won't. So I'm just taking it one day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 7:42pm

Sheri,

You're totally right. How COULD we have dated for a whole year without discussing anything like that. Geez...I feel like a total idiot. But whenever I talk with him, everything he says makes perfect sense. I'm a Libra so I can see both sides of every argument, haha. I need to just move on, and have no contact. Thanks...

-Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 8:32am

If you were the one who, after more than a year, had to initiate the relationship talk, imagine how much longer things would have gone on as they were had you waited for him to initiate the conversation.

The longer the two of you keep discussing the same issue without reaching a common answer or perspective, the longer you will be avoiding the obvious: while there may be feelings and a strong connection between you both, ultimately, you both have different ideas about long term relationships. Keeping in touch will never change that fundemental fact.

It sounds as though you have invested a lot in your former relationship already: how much more you want to give to your ex, after your relationship has ended, is a decision you have to make, with your best interests in mind.

Having been as clear (or unclear?) as he was on the issue of marriage, I think your ex has told you all you need to know about where contact with him would lead to: a friendship. If you are looking for a man who can offer you more - and give you what you deserve - you need to start looking in new places.

If you want to keep in touch, be very clear with him as to what your definition of 'friend' is, and don't let him sway you. And contact should be very periodic, with no expectations on either side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:49pm

Hi there,

Thanks for your great advice. We tried doing the friend thing, I knew it wouldn't work, but did it anyway, and ended up back at square one, so that's why I had to say enough is enough this time. After the first breakup when he said he wanted to be friends, we both had totally different ideas. I meant I was through with him and that we could be platonic friends, he thought something entirely different. After the second break up, I found out that he meant to try and work things out again. His claim was that if you can't be friends first, then the rel. has no basis. Good logic, but I wasn't going there. As someone close to me said, "that dog just won't hunt". I just have to be strong.

That being said, I had a great day today, and felt really good. Actually, as if a weight had been lifted. Worked out at my gym, and thought, "damn, I'm hot!" when lifting weights in front of the wall to wall mirrors, haha, so that's a start. I just need to stay busy and happy and as my son said, put my faith in God and good things will happen...with or without a man.

Take care all,
Karen