breaking up very soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
breaking up very soon
3
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 2:48pm
I don't know how to go about this. My BF and I have been together 16 months, and I want to leave. (He's 32(acts like he's 15), I'm 24, he has a 10yr old daughter.) I feel sooooo incredibly stuck, even though I do have a way out (back to moms.) He doesn't treat me well anymore, he has no consideration for me, my feelings, my thoughts, my needs or my money. I want to leave (we live together w/his bro & wife) but I don't know HOW. And I feel guilty because he does rely on me financially (because although he makes more than enough money, he cant manage it and it gets stuck to me to get things paid, even though I make literally HALF of what he does.) I have tried to talk to him about me moving out and us possibly trying to stay together thru it, but he just got mad and defensive and wouldn't talk to me. That was a month ago. As of yesterday, I landed a great job with much higher pay, which will enable me to make it on my own. I just don't know how to leave, how to talk about it, how to make him understand that he has hurt me too much to make me want to be with him much longer if he doesn't change. (our last conversation about him hurting me and not listening to me led him to change for about 2 weeks.) My mom has (of course) extended me an open-ended inviation to move back in with her, which is the same distance to work as it is here. I want to...but...I feel like he is going to argue with me soo much that he might make me feel too guilty and like I need to stay, even though he doesn;t need me. So, do I just move most of my stuff out while he's gone? Or talk about it forever to try to make him understand? The only problem I have with moving out while he is at work is that we broke up once before, and I had done that. I waited til he got home from work and told him I was leaving, and he cried and fussed, and actually convinced me to move back in within 2 weeks. (I'm not the strongest person, I guess.) So....I don't know what to do?!?!?! I am sick of being treated like this, but I know he is not going to understand at all. How do I go about doing this??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 9:08pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry you aren't happy with your relationship......you have to do what *WILL* make you happy and staying there obviously isn't what will make you happy. I would tell him you plan on moving out but don't give him a set day or time.....and then just move.....since you are afraid of the fuss he'll make moving out when he isn't there would probably be best and I'd highly recommend no contact immediately so he doesn't guilt you into coming back. I know this is hard but it will make you happier in the long run.....and you owe it to you and your daughter to do what's right for the both of you. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 1:13am
If you think there's any chance that you could possibly be happy in this relationship you might consider going to couples counseling with him. Sit him down and tell him you need to have a serious talk. Tell him the things that you're unhappy about. Ask him if he's willing to go to couples counseling with you so the two of you can work on these issues together. If he won't go you just have to bite the bullet and leave him.

You've got a great new job. You've got a place to stay. You're young and you have your entire life ahead of you. You're too young to be wasting time on a financially irresponsible loser who doesn't care enough about you to make positive changes in his life.

Be clear with him and give him one more chance. If he doesn't take it it's his fault.

You CAN do THIS. You deserve better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 10:04pm
Just move out now. You're all set to do so - good job, somewhere else to stay, etc. You need to seriously think about what is best for *you*. You obviously are not happy with this guy, because you've tried to leave before. Sounds like he knows that you aren't committed, and that may be why he doesn't treat you well. There's nothing wrong with picking up your stuff and getting the heck outta dodge. If you can't help feeling totally guilty, just pay him a month's rent and leave anyway. DO NOT let him change your mind - you need someone you can be happy with, not someone who can't pay his own bills.