Breaking up was easy...
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| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:37pm |
Living with it has been hard.
Sorry, for this but it is my first post here and don't know if I'm even in the right spot.
I'm older now (wiser?) and i've lived or whatever; married a couple times, dated a lot when I was younger, lived with a few guys, etc. My last serious relationship ended because I ended it. I felt really lonely and just didn't feel like I was happy enough. I had doubts if he was the one for me. Just like I've always done I broke up with him. It always seems like the right thing at the time, and reflecting back some of the time it was the right thing to do, but
But with this one boyfriend, I really think I did make a mistake and don't know how to forgive myself or make it better or stop thinking about it or get him back or trust myself not to hurt another person or or or!!!!
I loved L (I'll call him) and even though I'd had a lot of other relationships the one with him was much different. We had normal problems too, I don't forget those. But mostly I broke up with him because I felt lonely even though he was there. He was always there for me, when I let him. He always tried and in the end didn't want to give up on us. I did.
I've spend a couple years since then trying to live with that. I've spent time effort understanding myself better and now, reflecting back, I realize I have grown so so much and I know myself now better than I ever have before. I think of L all the time, even though I try not to, even though it has been years.
I now know that I felt lonely while with him because of my past and because I was very very needy and insecure. I blamed him for my feelings all the time. He could never have met my unreasonable demands, yet he just kept on trying his best. His reward - I broke his heart. I know I did. I could tell how much pain I caused him and I know that I told him I would love and be there for him always. I thought I would be. He believed this and when I ened it I can tell I hurt him in a way that will always leave a scar on his heart.
Maybe I'm only feeling so sad, because I ran into a mutual friend and he told me how well L was doing now. He was with someone else now, seemed to have everything that I don't in my life. He told me that L was happy and also had done well with his business (one of the things I realize is that he was dedicated to me and his business. He would try his best to balance both and I just kept telling him how poorly he was doing with both). I tried to get him to sell or end his business and how his friend told me he is worth millions. I'm not a golddigger if that's what you are thinking. It is just htat he told me he would always love me and support me - financially and emotionally. I believe he would have if I let him.
He tried so hard to win me back too afterward. I ended up hurting him over and over and finally told him that I need him to go away so I could be available for my one true soul mate when he showed in my life (I really believed that at the time). He told me that was more hurtful than breaking up with him. He left me alone like I asked. I've wondered everyday why I did that? I think I really only wanted him to know how lonely I felt and how bad I felt. Instead, I think I made him hurt even worse than I ever did.
I think I'm just venting. I don't have any answers and I doubt you do either.
Please, how do I live with my mistake.

Hi nonmanhater and welcome to the board.
I don't think I have answers, per se, but think about this. Him and your relationship with him and even breaking off with him, motivated you to improve yourself.
Thanks. I read all of those. Jampolski is great reading. The New Mood Therapy is for professionals....I couldn't make it through it. Mostly because I don't see myself as being in depression or depressed. Only sad.
I hear you. But the small amount of improvement and additional self awareness is no reward for being my age and with no one when I really think I did have one that comes with about as big a heart as they come. He took me and my teenager in and if I'm honest with myself, my life was never better.
Why is it I can see that I was never happier than when I was with him yet at the same time I never felt so alone? I already know the anser to that one also.
I guess I just keep moving forward with the hope that things will improve in my life. I keep telling myself that. Part of my problem is I can't lie and tell myself it is better or will get better than I once had it. If I'm honest, I know the truth.
I've found my self worth too. That doesn't help accepting the mistakes. Thanks for taking the time to answer.