Breaking up when you still love each oth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Breaking up when you still love each oth
12
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 11:38am

I know it just happened this weekend, but I feel like my world ended. I never knew your eyes could burn from crying too much.

And the hardest part is after 2 1/2 years he said it was because he loved me and felt like I deserved better. That if he cared less about me, he would have just strung me on.

He said it had to end eventually because he doesn't see himself ever marrying or having kids, that there was one point when that was what he wanted but not anymore. That he wants to be able to just pick up and leave the country when he wants and that's not fair to anybody. And it's not like I was pushing for wedding bells and kids, but I couldn't bear never.

But even during the break up he was the greatest guy. He told me he wouldn't call for a couple weeks but that if I ever needed anything to remember that we were still friends, and said all the nice things that he sometimes held back on while we were dating. He said that he knew it had to end and felt so bad about it that he had been trying to push me away so I'd do the breaking up, but he saw that I couldn't bear to and was just walking around miserable, and that he couldn't stand to do that anymore. He insisted I take a taxi and gave the driver money and my address because he thought I was too upset to take the subway, and it was his fault.

And my life seems so incomplete. I woke up hours early because I didn't have our nightly two hour conversation to keep me up. Who still has two hours of stuff to talk about daily after 2 1/2 years? I've broken up before, but I've never been like this. I just don't know what to do. I know it's too early to be thinking of moving on, but I don't think that I could possibly find someone I'd love more. And as I said in the beginning I just feel like my world is shattered. And I just need someone to tell me that it will get pieced back together cause right now I can't imagine that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 1:18pm

Welcome to the board rachelnyc123,


Everything you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2007
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 4:23pm

I'm so sorry, my situation is not exactly the same, but I can certainly relate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:13pm

Thank you both for your kind words.

I'm hanging in here. Not calling him, though I've been sleeping clutching my cell phone should perchance he call. I need to stop doing that. I guess it will get better with time. My friends say I will find someone better, and right now I just feel like I couldn't possibly love someone more than I did him. It's nice to hear from people who can relate to what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:36pm

Hi again,


You might like some of the ideas here:


How To Get Over Your Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 2:09pm

Rachel,


I can completely relate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 9:07pm

Hi Rachel:
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have been "broken up" so to speak for 3 weeks. We were to be married next week...we were together for 2.5 years also....Never fought, thought the same thoughts..finished each others thoughts..really connected. I love him as the day is long and I still love him.

My situation is a little different. He was having internet and phone sex affairs. I knew he was a player when I met him, and I wasn't serious about dating or getting involved, however romance grew for both of us and he proposed last year over labor day weekend.

I found out about the internet affairs from his emails and phone..long story...its on another post (cybercheating)...

Anyway, we tried to work things out. He is a very loving and kind person, but had this whole other life. I committed myself to him and US to go to therapy to work on this addiction. We postponed the wedding...and we took a week break...but after I told him I still loved him and would support him only if he sought therapy, he ended our relationship.

I was crushed. I am still hurting. Prior to this relationship, I was in a loving marriage for 20 years, and lost my husband via massive heart attack in his sleep. I have never experienced a relationship that two people who love and care for each other...couldn't work through their problems together.

I know this is so hard. Knowing in your head this is the right thing to do, but then your heart is so disconnected you keep wondering..and hoping...but nothing makes it better and there are no answers.

I can only tell you that for me keeping a journal of my feelings has helped me tremendously. It gives me a space to vent...to get angry...to feel sorrow...to wonder..it helps keep me focused. It even helps keep me from being a little crazy....I keep looking for answers....it helped me realize my self worth and value....

One of the things I do daily is to write what I "will not" do today..for example..I will not look for emails/texts/messages from him.
In addition, I write a daily goal...a goal that I know will make ME feel better...it can be as simple as lifting weights, eating a candy bar...walking the mall or neighborhood, or telling my kids I love them with all my heart.

Both of these things helped to keep me focused and allowed me time to grieve. Loosing someone you love, whether thru death or ending a relationship takes time...its a roller coaster and you have no choice but to ride it.

Only time will help. I am much better this week than I was three weeks ago when it first happened. Tomorrow will be even better than today...its just one step at a time...sometimes its one hour at a time....just be kind to yourself...and be patient, I promise it will get better!

tasha

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 11:21pm
Although all situations are different, I definitely feel like I can relate to this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 4:34pm

Hi Lulu:
So sorry especially since you have to see him everyday..that has to be hard. I am lucky, I don't have to see him and I haven't broken the NC rule...although he has...

I found a funny book today that really helped me..its called "he's not that really into you" its a guys perspective on women and dating...

It just reaffirms that we are worth dating for the right guy!

Hugs!!!!! very tight...its hard!

Tasha

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 6:45pm

Hello Ladies,


I've been breaking up and making up with my now Ex-Boyfriend/Fiancee for the

Aly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 8:42pm

Just wanted to say I feel everyone's pain. I ended my 5-year relationship with my bf on Sunday ever though it was like an entire weekend of breakup conversations. We used to work together and thank god he moved to a different city (which is what prompted the big conversation in the first place. He was just going to have me move up there without a job and just kind of keep going with the way things were, but I was determined, after five years, to find out if he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life (whether that be through marriage or just a commitment).


He basically said he couldn't move on in the relationship. I was so strong.I held it together and just nodded my head in acceptance and was very kind and loving, but he was sobbing. I told him it was probably a good idea for him to take a cab back to the airport (girl power!). When he left I sobbed off an on the rest of the night. I didn't give him the pleasure of seeing me break down. All I had to do was think of how much his mom and his sister didn't accept me and in a nutshell just sucked and that is what kept me from losing it while he was there.


I deleted everything immediately so I would not be tempted to call/write/check his blog, etc. I have to restrain myself not to look. I guess because of my age (37) and relationship experience I'm making sure I'm not even leaving that door open a crack for him to come back. In this day and age, people know where to find you if they really, really, really want to.


I know things were meant to happen like this when they happened. I'm reading a funny book called, it's a breakup, not a breakdown, which keeps me smiling. It's like they know exactly what I'm thinking. :)


Every day is a struggle but I know I'll be fine and better off in the long run. I don't want to be the girl he "settled" for. His loss!!


I hope everyone has successful healing!

 

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