Breaking up with a wonderful man

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2006
Breaking up with a wonderful man
3
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:00am

I have been seeing a wonderful man for 6 years. its a long distance relationship. we are 860 miles apart.He has been good and kind to me the whole time. His family treats me as if I am one of them. It was working great until I bumped into a guy I went to grammar school and havent seen him in 30 years. We started seeing eachother and its serious. I'm not being fair to my other man. He wants to marry and I do not. We are both divorced. I dont want him to know I'm leaving him for another man. It would devastate him. We talk on the phone every night and he tells me how much he misses me and loves me.This makes it even more difficult for me to end it. In the meantime, my new relationship told me from the beginig he knew what he was getting into and to take my time ending it. This was 4 months ago. Now he is wondering how much more time I need. I am due to fly to see him in May, which was preplanned months ago. But my new guy thinks I shouldnt go. It is beginning to bother him that I am still in contact with the other one.

Any advice out there on how to end a relationship with a wonderful man? I know it has to be done, there is no future for us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:48am
I understand exactly what you're going through. I am really confused myself at this point. I have a boyfriend that is okay, not the most romantic person and lacks certain qualities. But at the same time we've been together for 5 years and he has been there for me. He used to be mean to me and I'm still working on trusting him but we've been living together for so long that I just got used to him. I started to leave him several times but he always convinces me to stay. Meanwhile I have an ex-boyfriend that swears that he loves me sooo much even though he was the one that let me go for another woman. He has all of the qualities that my current boyfriend has and I find myself constantly weighing the two of them trying to figure out what is best for me. But now if I leave my boyfriend for him, I don't even have a legitimate reason as far as I'm concerned. Is there a such thing as leaving a man for what seems like a better opportunity? I find myself upset sometimes, I go through the motions trying to figure out what to do! Should I leave my current boyfriend for the sweet promise of the ex boyfriend that swears that he loves me so much? Or should I stay with the man that stayed by my side for 5 years that lacks the same qualities that I enjoy in my ex? I am so confused. Please help!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 12:07pm

I know it's hard but you need to just DO it. Imagine being in his shoes...wouldn't you be *devastated* that someone you loved was dating someone else for 4 months and didn't TELL you? I sure would be...more devastated by THAT than the fact that he was ending it with me.

And going to see him would be even worse. Just end it...let him go so he can find someone who loves him the way he loves you. You don't need to tell him about the other man, but you do need to end it cleanly and clearly...no ambiguity that gives him false hope.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 12:38pm
I sympathize with you. I'm not one to give out advice seeing the mess I'm in. But it does sound like your ex boyfriend would make you happier. As soon as I read that your current one was mean and you got used to it, it reminded me of my ex husband. I stayed with him for 20 years. What a waste of precious life! If I live to be 80, thats 1/4 of my life, just because I was used to him and his meanness. But one day I woke up and threw him out for good, met Don, and traveled on a regular basis to be with him. He's a warm and loving man. Any woman would be proud to claim him. But the distance finally got to me when I bumped into an old school mate who I had a crush on since 6th grade. SO I have found happiness after I left my "mean" husband. ANd then again I found happiness again. I am involved with 2 of the nicest men on earth and I can only have one. I'm not looking forward to confront Don about leaving him, but deep down inside I know I have to. its going to be tough.
Good luck with your decision....remember you live only once and you deserve nothing but the best!