Breaks - 3 Wheels - Dating - Advice?

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Registered: 03-11-2005
Breaks - 3 Wheels - Dating - Advice?
8
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:28pm

The cause of our situation is honestly b/c of a co-dependent roommate and my inability to deal with her in the way he thought i should deal with her. I guess I'm just not into being controlled. There's more to the story but basically he began to doubt our relationship based on my interactions with her (a 55 year old woman he's lived with about five years - he's 32 - i'm his first ltr (2 years)). All our troubles began in the last few weeks, we were to move out with one another.

Well fast forward to now, we're not moving out, I'm moving out. He wanted to take a break, I wanted to see how things would flow if we were living separately and dating exclusively rather than me, him AND our third wheel. We are so compatible and are very good friends (have NEVER had an argument during our entire relationship except something about her or what she did or how she annoyed or controlled or etc) neither has had such a connection with another person in our entire lives. He agreed to see how things flowed but then added "maybe until July". Red flag.

I told him that I needed a few weeks to myself & luckily a friend is on vacation so I'm housesitting a few hours away but while here I've been thinking. July...why July? What's in July? Why put a time limit on seeing if things might work out? Why not just see if it does? So I sent him an email and told him that we should take a break. If this is something he feels so strongly for, then let's go ahead and do it. I also mentioned the first time he didn't say he loved me, a week ago Sunday - after an argument over...you guessed it, me not getting along with the roommate (if you didn't like it why didn't you just move? women do stupid things for the men they love stoopid, like stay in a screwed up living situation. i felt more like a mistress and i thought she was the wife and that's kidn of warped - his mom's not to happy with the state of things as she didn't realize their relationship was like THAT, not until I came into the picture and she sees it more...he's a late bloomer btw).

So I am kind of done with it. I do love this man so very much. I want him in my life forever however...I feel in order to have this, I'm going to have to let him go. Or I let him go. We're taking a break. I figure if he wants me, then he'll come get me...and if he doesn't, then I have my answer.

It's hard though. We do share a bond. He responded to my email that he still loves me very much. "please remember that no matter what happens." But I will stick to my guns.

I just feel that he does have feelings for me but this competition b/t me and the roommate has torn him into two and instead of making a decision for a chance (me) he went for the safe bet. Someone he's been with for five years. And that's screwed up.

On a side note, he thought we could still date (not be bf/gf) or if I wasn't comfortable with that, then maybe we could just be friends. Maybe in the future we could come together and see where we were at in our lives.

I don't think I'll ever have...HE'LL ever have, a successful relationship with that "monkey on his back".

I could honestly be friends with him...eventually, I'm talking years even. But right now? The feeling is too strong still. The need and wanting and desire. Because you know, I'm in love and I want it to work out.

I guess it sucks even more b/c we haven't fought, there isn't another woman (well...), there wasn't any real problems that couldn't be worked with/fixed with communication...the only real problem is her. Sounds weird, but ex-roommate(his best friend, moved in one day moved out the next - calls her a lunatic) can confir, the woman has some sort of hold on him that no one can understand.

Why do some men do this? Why do some men still truly want to be friends and don't realize that it's slightly insulting and hurtful? Up until I put my foot down, he's been talking to me daily (hourly even) like normal. Talking about the future. Including me in some of his plans. (All this was after he mentioned that we should either take a break or maybe go back to dating). His nievity shines so strongly. Why do you think he tried to put a time limit on both us giving it a try (til July) and us taking a break (maybe 3 months)? Do people normally give time limits on things such as this?

It's rather sad b/c his mom just invited me to Easter Brunch (and on Sat. his sister's daughter's 2nd birthday). I had to decline and just mentioned that we are splitting up for awhile. It set her back - as she thought I'd be his fiance soon enough as I'm the only girl he's ever really "dated" for more than 3 months. The whole family and extended family will be there. It'll be really interesting that the family's there, he's there, and the roommate is there...instead of me. (She's always at all of the events btw, she's a roommate not even a friend - they have a warped relationship i'm telling you).

Oh well. We live and learn. Maybe he'll come back to me - but I'm not sure, like I said - while he's living with the roommate, things will always be...complicated.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 3:06pm

Although it's natural to do so and I've certainly done it, I've found that asking "why" people are the way they are is not productive (and you never get answers anyway ;-)). The key is accepting that this is HOW HE IS.

However, FWIW, I do think that putting a time limit on a break is logical. Otherwise, it's a break up. And allowing yourself a certain amount of time to see if a relationship is going to work also makes sense to me (because otherwise things can go on indefinitely without any resolution).

I agree with your bottom line however. If he wants to be with you enough, he'll make that clear.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:28pm

So...do you think also putting a limit on seeing if things will work out is logical as well?

I guess we're in the middle of either or. He agreed to see if things work out, I was thinking that maybe since he's spoken of it now is a better time than ever to "take that break".

I mean now for at least two weeks...NC. That's my decision. But after that...I figure that it might be best to do it now. Take a break, re-establish our own lives (get back to the normal things that make us individuals rather than remaining in relationship bliss and not doing much anything) and come back to talk about it. I guess I'm just sick of talking too. It feels like I should be saying either or. But then again, it's kind of complicated with the third wheel. However, once I move into my own space, things may get a little easier and clearer for both of us.

At this point in time though...there's also a trust issue. I trust him not to cheat on me or sleep with other women - he wouldn't do this while we are still an item - however...I hesitate b/c he's brought this break thing up. I hesitate and wonder if I should just walk away and let him have it and that's the point where I am now.

Like I said though, it'd be so much more easier if there was anger involved but unfortunately there is none. Disappointment, upset, anger at the situation, but no hatred or any emotion like that.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:43pm

Yes, I do...in the sense of saying something like, "let's keep seeing each other and re-evaluate things and see where we are in July" (if that's what he's saying...I really wasn't clear on that in your first post). You can either say yes or say no, but it's better than going on and on indefinitely and not dealing with your issues as a couple, IMO.

I think the parameters of a break need to be clearly delineated, discussed and agreed to. I would talk about things like whether you are each free to date others and/or sleep with others. That way, there are no misunderstandings, like the classic "Ross & Rachel" example on Friends.

I totally understand where you're coming from with what you say in your last paragraph. My most recent r'ship was with a man who lives 2000 miles from me, and he simply wasn't capable of moving forward with his plans to move to my location as we'd discussed. I don't hate him (well, I have my moments!)...it mostly just makes me sad that he wasn't capable of or willing to making me a priority in his life in the same way I would have done if the shoe were on the other foot.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:33pm

Well...that's where we left it at. Continuing to see each other and re-evaluating things in July.

And then I had a little time to think and flipped out and told him that if he wanted to just take a break - we should just take a break.

hmmm. why is advice so easy to give but when it comes to your own life it sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:24am
When I read your post- I though OH MY GOD!! I have sort of the same thing. My SO has an employee who always calls him with some problem. She is engaged to a really nice guy and she will call and cry my SO all the time. We had other problems, but when I hear her name and how she had this or that problem, I want to PUKE!! I can't take it anymore either and am in the process of looking for another place to live ( We are living together). I would come home and her car would be in the driveway and it would irritate the heck out of me. She is this damsel in distress and he is helping her. I don't do garbage like that. I get told when I whine about stuff to either do something about it or don't complain. You are better off out of that drama. I know I will be happier in my own apt. I know it will take a few months not to feel weird being alone. You will be fine also.
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Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:56am

yeah most defn. i just wonder why they don't seem to understand things from our point of view? we're supposed to be first in their lives but yet...we're not. the other women is it seems.

ack.

well...i've managed to change taking a break to breaking up. i decided last night. i will move out and move on and try not to look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 12:29pm

HEads up honey...if she's codependent - he's codependent. That's why they get along, have the bond, and can't be separated.

Why would you think that you - requiring him to consider your needs equally with his own...could outrank someone who worships, adores, gratifies, and benefits him with no obligation to him whatsoever.

When you moved in there...you should have gotten the picture. She's his "mother"...and he's not leaving home.....any relationship he has will be with her at the core.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

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Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:24pm

yeah took a moment. but it's clear.

so it's done with and over. yikes. but at least i'm not struggling with it much anymore. I guess I know now. Am accepting of it or something like that. (see other post)