The Breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
The Breakup
8
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 2:18pm

Well, after a little over a year my boyfriend has just broken up with me. It was very spur of the moment. We haven't been fighting, everything has been great and then he just slaps me in the face with this. He says he isn't happy (but can't give a reason for the unhappiness) and he told me he is honestly scared of settling down. This is his first serious relationship and I guess he just can't commit to me. I understand where he is coming from and if he isn't happy I will be the last to try and stop him from leaving me. I honestly believe that there is someone else. He swears there isn't but why else would this come about so suddenly? I just don't understand because he says he loves me and no one has ever treated him as good as I have and I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I don't understand how you can leave someone and break their heart while confessing your love for them. Isn't that like an oxy moron? I just wondered if any of you can shed a little light on this. Up until this weekend we had made plans for the future and he seemed happy like he was looking forward to spending his life with me. Now it's different all of a sudden. I'm okay now and I am trying to move on with my life. I'm worried about the dating game. It seems like I have this endless string of long term relationships and they always end up with my heart broken. I don’t know what it is I lack or don't give to a relationship to make it work. I just really don't understand what happened. I really don't think I should date anymore. I'm not sure if there is anyone out there for me and if there is do I really want to keep getting my heart broken every year or two? The answer is no. I can't handle all this heart ache. I think I have a tendency to give my all in a relationship and don't get much in return. I honestly don't think relationships are worth all the bad things I feel when it's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: theduchess713
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 2:36pm

Welcome to the board theduchess713,


If he's been going through the routines of his life and relationship, planing for the future, my guess is that any time the 'doubts' came up he pushed them away, didn't want to acknowledge them or even address them.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: theduchess713
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 2:44pm

I'm sorry you're having to go through yet another breakup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: theduchess713
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 4:16pm
I just wanted to say thank you for both of your responses and advice. I really appreciate it. I think this is the most wonderful website. It has really helped me through some rough times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: theduchess713
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 10:22am

Thank you so much for your response. I do understand that he is scared. He told one of his friends that he is scared because he loves me so much and he just can't be in a relationship right now. I think if he didn't love me or loved someone else it would be easier for me to get over. I'm not having such a good time dealing with this. He also said that it isn't me in anyway, but he is obviously dealing with something inside himself. He was my best friend. I only wish I could understand what he is going through and help him with it. I guess my only choice is to bow out gracefully and move on with my life-right? Is there a point for fighting for a love that we both have inside but are scared of? I honestly don't want to give up on him. I know he loves me and I know this isn't what he really wants. He is a mess; he can't make it through work. They say he is miserable. Why? This is what he said he wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2007
In reply to: theduchess713
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 11:00am

Girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: theduchess713
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 12:36pm
Well, he has been staying with a friend. (we lived together) and I told him I was staying at the house until I get everything packed and find an apartment. He said that was fine and take all the time I needed. His exact words were, "You can take all the time in the world if you need it" He seems to be like you bf and feeling a little regret. But he is keeping his distance and I'm granting him that. I have not tried to call him or talk to him. Though I really feel we need to. He said he wants to be my friend and since he really did nothing to hurt me, he just voiced his feelings. I don't see why I can't . Its just that I was happy and losing him hurt me but if he isn't happy then this is the way it has to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: theduchess713
Tue, 10-30-2007 - 1:00pm

I'm going through something very similar. We dated 5 years (i'm 37, he's 32) and loved each other very much. I don't doubt that. He was scared of furthering his commitment to me (which would mean marriage) and as hard of a pill that is to swallow, I have to accept it because I don't want to be with a man who has doubts about me. I'm starting to see A LOT of my friends go through divorced right now and they confide to me that they never should have gotten married in the first place, or their partner told them that they always had doubts about getting married to them, so consider this a blessing in disguise. I know that's hard to accept, but your best bet is to move on.


As far as logistics, you should plan to move out and not try to stay roommates. It's also not in your best interest to stay friends right now. After you take care of moving out, you should stick to no contact. The reason is because you still have major feelings for him and all this will

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
In reply to: theduchess713
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 1:46pm

:I'm starting to see A LOT of my friends go through divorced right now and they confide to me that they never should have gotten married in the first place, or their partner told them that they always had doubts about getting married to them, so consider this a blessing in disguise.:


this statement you made is amazing. i find it so interesting, sociologically speaking, that we're all dying to get into legal agreements (marriage) that have a 50% chance of failing. speaking as someone who has retirement savings to lose (these aren't covered under pre-nups), and who is counting on that as security to protect from a guy leaving me alone with kids (like my dad left my mom), i wonder why i feel like i'm a failure not to be married.


society makes us feel that we are. yet i've turned down an offer, that is still outstanding probably, with an ex. it's not about being married, it's about sharing your life with the right person. if either party has sincere doubts, a 50% failure rate is too costly to consider. we'd never accept that in a business deal, but we do it every day for our hearts, hormones, or fears. whatever the reason is...