Breakup deadline 10 days away

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Breakup deadline 10 days away
4
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:24pm

Hi everyone,

I've been afraid to post on the board b/c I know that my story makes me sound pretty pathetic and weak..

I've been with my bf for 7 years, 4 of which were wonderful. We were engaged during our 3rd year together, and he started having doubts about marrying me during our 4th year. We broke off the engagement, but didn't break up. Unfortunately, the last 3 years of our relationship have been pure hell. He has cheated on me in both a physical affair and an emotional affair (different women), and he is extremely verbally abusive to me. He calls me a jealous bitch and screams at me when I get upset over the fact that he cheated or if I ask questions about the other women...

I guess I've been waiting for it to go back to how it was when things were wonderful 3 years ago, but I'm finally starting to accept that it's not going to happen. I suppose he just stopped loving me. I gave myself until August 30 to break up with him, but as the deadline approaches, I get more and more scared that I won't be able to do it. I have become quite attached to him during these 7 years, and he is one of my closest friends. I still love him, and the thought of him with other women after we breakup is unbearable. (For some reason, the thought of him with other women while we are together is slightly more tolerable)

I am looking for advice on how to separate myself from him. I think it has gotten to the point where losing him will be like losing a very large part of myself, and even though I only have 10 days left, I don't think I will be able to do it. If anyone has had an experience like this, I would love to hear your story...

I know I need to leave, but I think I've allowed myself to become too dependent on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:06am

WELL, seven years is a long long time to throw away, even if your brain tells you it's good for you. Not pathetic at all..completely understandable.

"the last 3 years of our relationship have been pure hell. He has cheated on me in both a physical affair and an emotional affair (different women), and he is extremely verbally abusive to me."

No woman should have to stand for that. It's as if I hit you with my car, and when you complained about your broken back, I come out to scream at you for denting my vehicle. HE is the one who is at fault for cheating on you, and he has the gall to rain on your parade when YOU rightfully confront him about his infidality?

I think you're bang on when you say you're hoping for him to revert. What I hope is that YOU truly believe that you've given up. Leave and don't look back. If you think you're losing a part of yourself when you leave..well the relationship is already unhealthy. Ideally, breaking up should be like leaving a childhood home - you don't NEED to stay there, but at the same time you mourn the times and memories that are entwined with that house. It's nice to have him around, but you don't NEED him. And this guy is like a broken leg you keep dragging around.

Now...stop waiting those 10 days. C'mon. We know you're a great gal. Obviously you have a lot more spunk than you give yourself credit for if you're realizing that you deserve more. Pick up the phone, call him, tell him flatly it's over. No more 10 days. And start No contact. Like Sandra's wisely said in another post, save working through infidelity for marriage (and that's if he's sorry, hence void entirely in this case)

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 11:51am

Thanks for the pep talk and encouragement, unicornssong. You're right: he is like a broken leg I've been dragging around, and I know that I will be better off without him. I suppose I've also taken a lot of the terrible things he has said to me to heart and I'm afraid that maybe he is the only guy who would ever possibly want me.

Thanks again for the advice. I haven't even been able to tell my friends about this situation because I'm too embarrassed at how I've even ended up in a situation like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:25pm

Welcome to the board starr593,


::Unfortunately, the last 3 years of our relationship have been pure hell. He has cheated on me in both a physical affair and an emotional affair (different women), and he is extremely verbally abusive to me. He calls me a jealous bitch and screams at me when I get upset over the fact that he cheated or if I ask questions about the other women...


This is him being a cheater.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 4:42pm

..."he's not remorseful and doesn't care about rebuilding the relationship with you."

You're completely right. He doesn't care about rebuilding the relationship with me and I need to stop deluding myself that he does just because he hasn't left me yet. I think for him, I'm just a possession or trophy that he keeps around for the sake of convenience.

Thanks also for the book recommendations. I'm going to start reading today.