The breakup goes into it's 2nd month...
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| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:53pm |
I'm a new member here, and would really appreciate some input on my situation...
I met this guy online (I know, I know), about 21 months ago. I went online as a lark, just to see what all the fuss was about. I took it slow and we emailed almost every day for over a month before deciding to meet for coffee. Things went really well, as I found myself sitting across from this amazing person who basically embodied most of the qualities I'd been looking for in another person for so long (or so I thought... ominous music).
We started dating, and I admit to having fallen hard and fast, despite my inner voice telling me to take it easy since this guy was only 4 months out of a 6 year (emotionally destructive - he says) relationship. I couldn't help falling like I did, since everything seemed to 'fit' in a way I never imagined or expected.
Things went along for months, and we discussed moving in together. He said he was all for it, and then a few days later comes back and says he's not ready yet. I tell him that's fine, but can't help feeling rejected. I want to move in with me because he wants to, and not because I pressure him to.
We date for a few more months. I get a key to his place. We email at least once a day and talk on the phone all the time.
Then, with our one year anniversary approaching, I get all weird (I admit it) and start expecting some 'grand gesture'. Not a ring or anything, but some declaration of commitment. The night goes off like any other night. Nice resturant, but the gift he chose to commemmorate our love was a pair of socks. With pom poms. I was disappointed to say the least. No declarations, no flowers, none of the emotional silly stuff I really wanted.
I tell him so, he freaks out. We break up. Then a week later, he calls and says he wants to try again. He says all the things a heart-broken girl wants to hear: 'I screwed up, I'm lost without you, let's try again,' blah blah blah. I'm a firm believer in not spending my life wondering 'what if', so I agree. He says there are no promises, but he loves me and wants to try again. We do.
For seven months. Then the s--- hit the fan when realized that after a grand total of 19 months together, we're no closer to a solid commitment than we were at day one. I'm not asking for a ring, or even to move in together (a taboo subject since the first discussion), but know deep down that despite every single other way this man is perfect for me, he doesn't want me the same way.
We talked and cried, and broke up. He says he wants to stay friends. I'm dumb and say 'sure'. I tell myself (subconsiously) that as friends, he can get past his issues about commitment and someday will come back to me. Well, not exactly. Every time we saw each other (once a week or so), I'd feel all the same stuff as before. He didn't help by suggesting cozy movie-watching nights where we'd end up curled up on the couch like old times, and he'd kiss my neck and tell me he loved me. (No sex though - I drew the line)
So here we are, and two nights ago, after he invited me to dinner with his friends, we were at his place talking. He asked to kiss me. I said no. And then, in a blinding flash of light, I realized what an idiot I was being. I was sitting across from the one person I love more than anyone in the world, but he was never going to commit. Never. He wanted to sweetness of our relationship but none of the baggage (I suspect he had enough of that already... ha ha.. sigh). And I went home that night and sent him an email that said I needed to not see him or talk to him for a while. I need to move on, and I can't when whenever I see him I fall back to that mind-set where I believe he'll change or some other crap. He emailed back today and tells me he loves me '-but it's not the right kind of love', and how sad and depressed he is to not have me in his life, and how he can't imagine a future without me in it somehow.
So there you go. My question is: How do I keep from feeling that this man is the last man on earth that will ever understand or love me? How do I even consider dating again in the future (don't worry - even I know I'm not ready now) when it seems like the 'perfect man' was delivered to me and it didn't happen? I honestly feel like I've severed the link to my best friend in the world, and despite the rational aspect of knowing that I won't settle for second best, this really sucks.
Thanks for listening.

Sounds like you need to
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a painful time. Breakups are never fun...
But I want to congratulate you on what a brave thing you did. You let go of a man who could not commit to you, who could not give you what you truly want/deserve. My ex and I broke up over six months ago and I'm still struggling with it. Sometimes I wonder if there was more I could have done, if I could possibly change his mind somehow, etc. But people like you give me strength...you make me more determined not to give into something unhealthy, something that would make me unhappy in the end. I wish that I had been strong enough months ago to do what you did...I wish I hadn't put up with so much crap from my ex.
I know what I want and I know my ex doesn't have it. Of course, it's easier to say than it is to accept, right? But I'm trying, and growing stronger all the meanwhile. And so will you. It took a great deal of strength to tell your ex that you can't have contact anymore. I just got up the courage to tell my ex that a few weeks ago! You should be very proud of yourself for realizing that you were only hurting yourself even more by staying in touch with him. As difficult as it is to believe sometimes, having NC really is for the best.
I wrote my ex one final e-mail a few weeks ago (in which I told him not to contact me anymore) and haven't contacted him since. He texted me about a week after but I never responded, and I haven't heard from him again. Sometimes I'm terrified that I will never speak to him again...but deep down, I know that it doesn't matter. Him contacting me meant nothing...he wasn't trying to get back together, or to even be my friend. He cannot give me what I want, no matter how much I wish otherwise. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, but very rarely do people change...and when they do, it usually isn't for the better.
I keep sane by reminding myself of that...and also by reminding myself that I told my ex he would not be hearing from me again. I don't want to go back on my word and look foolish. Sometimes I think I'm being silly, and that I shouldn't let my pride get in the way...but I've eventually come to realize that I have done/said everything I possibly could when it comes to my ex. There is nothing I can do or say to get him back. And enough time has passed where I'm not even sure that's what I want anymore. He doesn't have the qualities I think are so valuable in a person...why should I try to win back someone who, in the end, I'd really only be settling for?
You said this in your post: "I honestly feel like I've severed the link to my best friend in the world, and despite the rational aspect of knowing that I won't settle for second best, this really sucks." Yes, it does suck...I don't think anyone will argue with you about that. My ex and I were good friends even before we started dating, and he became my best friend. I miss that aspect of our relationship so much. It was extremely difficult going from talking to him all the time to not talking at all. In fact, I struggled with it for months. But I was only trying to soothe the temporary pain I felt from not having contact with him instead of thinking about the long-term effects of what I was doing, and that wasn't smart. Having contact with him isn't good for me...it simply prevents me from healing and moving on with my life.
I tried to hold on for a long time...I thought I wanted to be my ex's friend. But I can't because it would hurt too much. And my ex hasn't shown me any respect or concern since our breakup. He has proven that he does not value me as a friend, or even as a fellow human being. I don't deserve all the crap he's put me through over the past six months...I only wish I had realized that sooner. And you don't deserve having to settle for something you know wouldn't make you truly happy.
Just keep up the NC, and keep yourself busy...make new friends, find new hobbies, and focus on yourself for once. My breakup has been a real eye-opener for me. I have acquired new hobbies, met some new people, and am concentrating on working out some issues that I have. So even though it's been extremely painful, I have learned from it...and I'm going to take what I learned, and put it to good use!
By the way...don't ever lose hope. I know it's discouraging to think you've finally found the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with and have it all end...I know it's scary as h*ll to try again with someone else. But someday, you will find the right person for you--someone who will treat you the way you deserve, someone who can give you what you really want. So when you're ready, take the risk...you might just find someone who is perfect for you. But take care of yourself until then...stay strong! <3 You CAN do it :)
"Love comes to those who still hope, even though they've been disappointed...to those who still love, even though they've been hurt before."
"You are gonna get your heart crushed...but what you have to realize is...if God had intended you two to be together, he will find a way...but if you guys don't end up with one another, that just means there is someone out there that is more perfect waiting for you."
"Don't give up on love because there is always someone who loves you...even if its not the person you were hoping for."
I sympathize with you. It has been two and a half months for myself too since my ex fiance and I ended our engagement. I lived with him for seven months before we finally decided to completely break it off and before that we were on and off for 2 years because of non commitment on his part. After breaking it up with him the last time and I started seeing other guys, he realized that he was going to lose me and came back and this time with a commitment and a proposal. But despite the promise, living with him and getting engaged (which was what I wanted)did not solve the underlying issues we both have. Break ups are the hardest thing and I can attest to that because just like you I am hurting very bad. I miss him. I get depressed and I get very lonely. I miss the intimacy and the times we spent together as a couple and with our kids. He was a great boyfriend to me but living with him has made me realize that he is not husband material for me no matter how much I loved him. There are days wherein I am tempted to make a phone call and beg for another chance but I am afraid of the rejection and I am afraid of stagnating or even settling for something less than what we had. YOu will feel pain and you will be depressed and it is ok. Allow yourself to feel it and allow yourself to grieve because that is the only way to do it. You can say to yourself over and over again that you will not think of him and you will try to keep yourself busy by doing other things but he will always be at the back of your mind or you will have flashes of him. Don't despair. Allow him to be in your mind. Let yourself feel the pain and cry, if you must. When you feel like calling him, call your friends. That is what I do. I still have his pictures in my house. They say I should put it away because that is the easiest way to forget him. I say that is fooling yourself. How do they know? Each relationship is different and people deal with grieving differently. I don't want to forget him by forcing myself. When I am over him and ready, I will put them away. I like thinking of the good times but I also think of the bad times and the reasons why we can't marry. I say, embrace him in your mind and accept him for how he is. You are still his friend and you know that in your heart but you are a distant friend and when he is ready for more and he has dealt with his issues, he may come back. If he doesn't, you still have yourself to be proud of because you gave yourself self respect and you stuck to your beliefs and to what you truly deserve. By that time hopefully, you are already over him.
You and I will be fine. It will be hard to go out and meeet other guys and date because we can't help but compare them to our exes and therefore it will be hard for us to see the better qualities the next person may have. But it is ok, it only means that we have not completely healed and not because we cannot find the right person. As soon as you start noticing another guy and becoming interested and excited, that is usually an indication that you are ready to open yourself up to another man again. That is an indication that you feel confident and ready to feel connected again. In the meantime, don't force yourself. Grieve and allow yourself to heal. That is what I intend to do. Good luck and let me know what happened.
Jewellbabe2004