Broke up 6 years ago and now in pain aga

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Broke up 6 years ago and now in pain aga
7
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:09pm

This situation is a bit different than all of yours.

M and I broke up about six years ago. Since then I moved onto a new bf who adored me but I did not love him enough to marry. I saw M again last Fall. I contacted him when my mom died. It seemed like we could be friends again or at least know each other. This made me so happy because he is so important to me, we had an emotional connection and I enjoyed knowing him. We made plans to go skiing and he abruptly cancels, siting that I "only wanted to go skiing and didn't care about him" or something like that. I email him back that isn't the case, I value you him and he is important to me. I was only acting casual because how else does one act with an ex they are just getting to know again? I did the best I could to convince him that he was important to me and skiing was that important. That was 8 months ago. He didn't respond to my emails.

In between that time I had some dreams about us. Dreams that were beautiful...where we were sweet and kind to each other. I woke up happy thinking they were a sign of him caring about me again. But as I waited and waited and no phone call...the hope started to become pain. Pain of the reminder of love I had once.

I feel like I am breaking up all over. All the details of our relationship are coming to me crystal clear and I feel incredibly sad. I wish I appreciated what I had back then. I was 31. Now I am 40. I wish I committed more deeply...if I did, would things have been different? We really had a loving relationship.

There is a class nearby called "The Year to Live Study Group". When I saw that I thought "all I want to do is open my heart to M. That is all I feel like doing and what I would do if I had a year to live".

Anyway, I just spent the better part of this morning writing a letter to him. I could not think of anything else. I didn't send it, yet. I think I will when it's just right. I want to cry out "Why are you hurting me? Why can't we be friends"? That is what my inner child wants to say. My inner child also wants to say "I have missed you so much! I still love you, I think. Let's go have fun!". I didn't write this, though. I just wrote "I feel so confused. I don't know what I did. I was so happy to know you again." I wrote more but I'll stop here. OH, I also shared some regrets on the relationship...hurts I didn't become aware of until just now. I did not send it. It's waiting on my desktop.

My heart is fluttering all the time. I am not feeling calm at all...very unsettled. Just like all of you who want to talk to your love's...I want to do the same. I want to open up my heart and tell him SO MUCH. I want to tell him how important he was to me, how much I have missed him, how I appreciated the love and intimacy, how I know now love like this doesn't come everyday. My fantasy is that we go out (he did invite me to lunch last Fall) and we feel close again and it's beautiful. I am full of "What if's".

Anyway, I feel totally abandoned and left...again. My ex took off to Europe several times after a job loss when we were together. He still loved me, though, and wanted to commit, but I didn't take the bait. I didn't for several reasons. I sort of wished I did, just to "see", just to learn to take the chance. But it's gone, the love is gone forever. It's gone because there has been too much space in between us.

Thanks for listening. I wish for all of us to find peace.

Edited 7/31/2007 9:17 pm ET by lv2breathe




Edited 7/31/2007 9:25 pm ET by lv2breathe
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:16pm
Exes are exes for a reason. Has he moved on with his life and found someone else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 6:27pm

Oh, I know. We've both moved on. I had a relationship in between, he's had a few I think. It's not that I haven't moved on really, it's just that seeing him all these feelings came up again. I miss what we had fierce. I am missing him like never before. Almost just like when it was just newly over. For whatever reason, I am feeling pain.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 12:17am
I had a similar situation a few years back. My old high school love came back into my life after he divorced. The funny thing is..he married a woman that he met while we were on a "break" while I was in college. You know how those high school/college relationships go - break up, make up, etc. Well I came home for Spring Break my Junior year of college and found out he was engaged with a child on the way. Mind you, this was March, and he and I had just taken a "break" in January. I was crushed. And I never had closure. So flash forward 9 years. He had just gotten divorced and shows up at a party for a mutual friend of ours. I had not seen him in years. He looked good, I looked good. And the rest is history. We had an amazing night, and talked about giving it another go. What a mistake that was. Truth was, we were so different. I was not the girl I had been 10 years ago, and he was not the boy I used to know and love. To make a long story short, he freaked out because of our differences, and fled the relationship. I was hurt at first (of course) but after a while I realized it was for the best. We were from different worlds, and our fleeting romance was just a reconnection based on nostalgia. I'm not sure if that is what you might be experiencing, but I thought I would share my story. Its so easy to fall back into old habits and familiar arms. I know what you are feeling right now. It hurts. But soon enough, clarity will find its way to you. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 1:04pm

Thanks for sharing. Yes, me and my ex have changed. Still it hurts me. I wonder what would have happened had I given it more of a chance. I don't mean to be judgemental, and I recognize that everyone has free will in how they want to change and be, however, my ex did not change for the better. He used to be nice and have some sweetness. He has grown bitter and almost hostile and agitated. He has had lots of adventures moving to Europe but a lot of pain, too. Each time his life "blew up" and he had to go back home to his parents. I often wonder if it's the long term anti-depressant use,too.

Even knowing all this, I am so sad we can't be friends. It seems like I have just lost too many people in my life. He knew me well. Not many people have. I hate to lose this resource, this connection to my past. But there is nothing I can do.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:22pm
Not knowing what exactly happened to cause you to break up 6 years ago...based on what you have said, it sounds like it may have been you who chose to end the relationship? If so, perhaps he was so hurt by that and no longer wants to go through that again? For me, I could never be friends with my ex. I tried with one once before and it never worked. I couldn't stand to be around him. He was still as arrogant as he always was and it was even more annoying now that I had gotten over him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:53pm

My ex lost his job in the states and took off abroad three times. He fell in love with a girl in Spain and broke it off with me. We had a very loving relationship for a long time, though. It was real. It's just that I wasn't willing to move with him. I had no way to make a living in Australia (my business was here) and he wasn't stable...and he still isn't and he's 41 years old. No money. Going abroad has not been good for him financially.

He is/was the type of personality that needs to escape to new places when he feels pain. It's just his way of coping. He is still doing it.

He did ask me to marry me AFTER he and this girl did not work out. But I remember so clearly, feeling like I was "second best" to her. I knew he loved me prior but at this point wasn't sure if it was just because his latest interest didn't work out.

Oh, I don't believe he hates me...because last Fall he said "you have me, don't you"? He also asked me to go on a motorcycle ride and to a concert. I wasn't sure I wanted to hange out to that degree with him but I was so happy to know him again. I really don't know what he is feeling. However, I must accept because it is his right to not talk to me if he wants. I think I am the one in pain now, though.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:37am
I can appreciate that feeling! All it takes to snap me back to reality is why we aren't together!!! It's hard when you think of the good times together....I have a hard time with that as well, but for every good time we had together, there were two bad ones to cancel it out! My break-up with my ex was almost identical to yours....I can totally empathize with you, and am sorry for your pain....but you really do deserve to have someone who will always be there for you!!!