Broke up this afternoon ....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Broke up this afternoon ....
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Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:16pm

I used this board a lot during my last breakup which was in September 2004. This time I thought it would work ... and I think I actually came close ... but not close enough. David and I had been going out for eleven months. I decided to bring up marriage this weekend. I figured he would never raise it so I figured why not. When I asked him if he thought he would ever marry me he said, "I don't know"

So then I asked if he knew when he would know, and got another "I don't know." We were together all weekend, and I cried every morning and every night, but we didn't talk about it. (Communication has always been difficult in our relationship.)

I told him I thought we should break up because I want to be with someone who wants to marry me not someone who doesn't know if he wants to and doesn't know when he'll know. I would wait for him if I were in my 20's or 30's, but I'm in my 40's. I just don't feel like I can wait. When I waited when I was younger it never did any good. So I left him today. It is totally unexpected, totally out of blue. I had not planned for this. I don't know what to do. I am just so broken up about it.

If anyone has any comforting words, I would really appreciate them now. When does the pain end? Does it get better every day?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 2:22pm

iamdelightful...

Since you're a regular visitor to these boards, PG isn't going to go through the usual:

"You poor baby"/"The cad should have made a commitment"/"I'm sorry you're feeling so sad about this!" .

What I WILL point out is this. NO BREAK-UP has a time frame for mending! Some people can bounce out of a personal disappointment within a week...while others need considerably more time?

So my suggestion is to TAKE ALL THE TIME NECESSARY TO HEAL! While you're doing this, ask yourself these serious questions about marriage...assuming you still want it?

1. What sort of man would I really like to have in my life?
2. If he doesn't completely match my expectations, what type of man am I be willing to accept?
3. Am I going into a marriage for the purpose of 'changing my partner?'
4. What sort of changes am I willing to make to myself for the sake of "a life of harmony together?"

Those are just 4 questions to work on while you're grieving about the break-up.

Meanwhile...I'm gonna send you a few hugs...if that's okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 3:11pm

hi iamdelightful

wow you did perfect there and i think you have nothing to regret..like you mention your not getting younger. so you just did the right one for yourself before its too late for you. at your stage i'm assuming his about same age like yours right..so i believe both of you are at the right age to settle down for good and find the person to be with for the rest of your life. like they say life is too short..so its better to enjoy it and do what its best to make us happier.

actually dont feel bad for what you did. his not the right one for you. how could he answer "he doesnt know"...his crazy and this guy wont do anything good to you. his not a youngster to be acting one. at his stage he supposed to know where the relationship is going. be strong and stay positive!!

REMEMBER LIFE MUST GO ON AND DONT WORRY YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU...GOOD LUCK!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 3:15pm
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think you did the right thing. I think that if after all that time the person you are with can't give you a straight answer like that, then forget it. I mean, who wants to be with someone who feels ambivalent about them? It doesn't feel too good. I am going through something similar. My boyfriend of 5 years and I just broke up. We had been living together for 3 of the last years. He couldn't tell me with certainty where our future was going. He said "I could be" the one he wants to spend his life with. I think it's great that you nipped this now when it is still early - I wish I had. I am in my early 30's and feel like I just wasted the last 5 years of my life with someone who obviously couldn't care that much about me because he just let me go. So feel confident in your decision. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who ABSOLUTELY wants to spend their life with you and they can't imagine it any other way? There are many people out there who will feel that way about you and you will find one.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:46pm

Thanks for your reply, abcd. Everything you said is absolutely right. I would rather not be in your position, having spent years in a relationship with someone who just can't commit to something more permanent.

It's a good thing you got out now. You will find someone who wants to you be their wife and can't wait to marry you.

Hugs.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:50pm
Thanks, pianoguy. Those are interesting questions and I'll focus on them for a while instead of obssessively trying to figure out where I went wrong with my ex.
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Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:53pm

Yes, you are right about his age. We are both 43, but he acts more like a 25-year-old. He likes having a girlfriend and being part of a couple, but he just isn't ready for marriage. I think he sees it as limiting, which is really sad to me. I see it as leading to greater growth, self-development and all kinds of neat things.

Thanks for supporting my decision. I agree that after eleven months someone should have an idea of whether or not they can see themselves married. "I don't know" is a cop out answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 7:08pm

I'm going through something similiar..My ex and I dated for a year and broke up a little over two years ago, then we reunited this past November (actually September but I was living out of state until I decided to move home for other reasons). Anyways, we've been doing this little "dance" for 7 months and he couldn't even commit to a committed relationship with me again. He just keep saying he needed more time and then it turned into "I don't know" over and over when I brought it up. This past Thursday I decided to FINALLY end it and have not heard from him since, he really didn't even respond to me saying that to be honest. I saw this man through a life-threatening surgery for cancer a few months ago (which is cured now) and have treated him like nothing but gold and he STILL can't commit to a relationship with me.

I know it is hard but it will only be harder later on if you had stayed in the relationship. For me it wasn't about my age, it was simply about wasting time on someone who doesn't want what I want, someone who is indifferent about their life with me in it and the ieveitable pain that would surely follow after I'd invested even more time and more of my heart. It hurts but I'm moving on because it is finally sinking in that I am not going to hear from him again and that speaks volumes about how easily it is for him to let me go.

Whenever you start to feel lonely or miss him just remember how horrible it feels to be in a relationship (in whatever form) with someone and still feel lonely, when you feel like he isn't connecting with you and when you have those doubts that keep getting louder and louder in your mind.

You will get through this as will I, the hardest part is that I know I could have kept on doing this limbo situation with him for a very long time and I know I will miss him but it is my decision to end it and I am pretty proud of myself for standing up to what I want out of life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 8:05pm

Hi there and sorry for your breakup today.

I don't know is certainly a cop out....

I have a question for you (not related to your original post, but this one):

I'm a guy and I know a lot of guys that are of the opinion that, for a guy (especially in a community property state) there is no benefit at all to marriage. That they can get every single thing that they want in life, without getting married.

For example, if a guy wants kids, he doesn't HAVE to be married to do that (although I'm sure most would agree the institution is there and in the best interest of the kids....but is it for the guy).

Now, let me be clear that I would like to married and have a family one day, in the traditional way. This opinion isn't mine, I just thought maybe this could be a good discussion topic. You point out a couple of reasons that you think.....like greater growth, self-development and all kinds of neet things. But to be honest, those didn't read as good reasons for me. In fact my personal growth and self-development have all occured the most for me when I was not in a relationship but in some kind of personal crisis.

So, I don't mean to be or sound jaded, I just am really stuggling with what the benefits of marriage are to a guy. In my personal situation, I'd like to be married, but when I objectively ask myself the question: What's in it for me? I don't really come up with any good answers. Seems all the 'benefits' of marriage, to a guy, can still be had whether or not he is married.

Maybe this could be a new discussion topic and maybe I'll post it, but I'm just curious about your response. Hey, maybe it keeps your mind away from the pain of your current breakup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 10:48am
Katortott, you are so right...so often I would find myself feeling lonely although I was in a 'relationship' with my ex...although he is the one that broke it off with me, I can't help but have all these questions in my head. You are right about the speaking volumes on how easy it is for them to let go though....whenever I feel the urge to try to break the NC rule, I think of this and it brings me back..
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 5:11pm

I think studies consistently show that married men are happier, healthier and live longer than unmarried men. I would bet they also have lower rates of all kinds of diseases because their womenfolk are looking after them presumably. (Take a look at this short article: http://www.divorcereform.org/mel/amarrandhealth.html)

I wonder if what you're really asking is if there's a difference between living together and being married. In some sense ways I don't think there is that much of a difference. I am not opposed to people wanting to live together if that's what both parties want. I want the legal sanction and protections of marriage. And a lot of other people do too apparently since something like 95% of Americans get married by age 40. I'm certain so many people wouldn't get married if there weren't benefits.

Financially there are benefits. A couple can earn more than one person. Societally there are benefits: families, neighbors and communities accept married couples more readily than co-habiting couples. Legally there are benefits: husbands and wives have greater legal protection than do cohabiting couples. I can think of other benefits (which you might think can also be had living together) but which I think take on special significance within marriage:

Someone to console you when you're down, a warm and comforting presence when you come home at the end of a long hard day, someone to plan trips with, scheme with, help you deal with your crazy parents and siblings, look out for you, cook meals with you, take care of you when you're sick, someone warm to sleep with one a cold day, etc.

Like I said, I have nothing against people living together if that's what they want. I have done it and it didn't work for me. I would like to be in a marriage because I want to make and have that kind of commitment in my life. I think living together is less of a commitment, and I'm not interested in living my life half-lived. I want everything I'm entitled to.

I'm wondering what prompted your question ...




Edited 5/11/2006 5:12 pm ET by iamdelightful

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