Broke up this afternoon ....

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Broke up this afternoon ....
15
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:16pm

I used this board a lot during my last breakup which was in September 2004. This time I thought it would work ... and I think I actually came close ... but not close enough. David and I had been going out for eleven months. I decided to bring up marriage this weekend. I figured he would never raise it so I figured why not. When I asked him if he thought he would ever marry me he said, "I don't know"

So then I asked if he knew when he would know, and got another "I don't know." We were together all weekend, and I cried every morning and every night, but we didn't talk about it. (Communication has always been difficult in our relationship.)

I told him I thought we should break up because I want to be with someone who wants to marry me not someone who doesn't know if he wants to and doesn't know when he'll know. I would wait for him if I were in my 20's or 30's, but I'm in my 40's. I just don't feel like I can wait. When I waited when I was younger it never did any good. So I left him today. It is totally unexpected, totally out of blue. I had not planned for this. I don't know what to do. I am just so broken up about it.

If anyone has any comforting words, I would really appreciate them now. When does the pain end? Does it get better every day?

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 5:15pm

Your post really resonated with me. It does sound like we're in the same boat. I'll let your situation serve as a caution sign to me, in case I'm tempted to go back. This part in particular is very good:

"Whenever you start to feel lonely or miss him just remember how horrible it feels to be in a relationship (in whatever form) with someone and still feel lonely, when you feel like he isn't connecting with you and when you have those doubts that keep getting louder and louder in your mind."

This is exactly how I have felt in my relationship for most of the time we were together.

Be proud of yourself. Leaving someone you love is a hard thing to do. But sometimes you have to love yourself more. Someone will love you so much they won't be able to wait to marry you someday!

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 5:27pm

Also just found an interesting government report which highlights 1,049 laws in which marital status is an issue. At the federal level marital status affects the following:

Access to Military Stores
Assumption of Spouse’s Pension
Bereavement Leave
Immigration
Insurance Breaks
Medical Decisions on Behalf of Partner
Sick Leave to Care for Partner
Social Security Survivor Benefits
Sick Leave to Care for Partner
Tax Breaks
Veteran’s Discounts
Visitation of Partner in Hospital or Prison

At the state level, marital status matters in these issues:

Assumption of Spouse’s Pension
Automatic Inheritance
Automatic Housing Lease Transfer
Bereavement Leave
Burial Determination
Child Custody
Crime Victim’s Recovery Benefits
Divorce Protections
Domestic Violence Protection
Exemption from Property Tax on Partner’s Death
Immunity from Testifying Against Spouse
Insurance Breaks
Joint Adoption and Foster Care
Joint Bankruptcy
Joint Parenting (Insurance Coverage, School Records)
Medical Decisions on Behalf of Partner
Certain Property Rights
Reduced Rate Memberships
Sick Leave to Care for Partner
Visitation of Partner’s Children
Visitation of Partner in Hospital or Prison
Wrongful Death (Loss of Consort) Benefits

To see the full report, go to:
http://www.gao.gov/archive/1997/og97016.pdf

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:29pm

If it will help to serve more so as a cautionary tale, mine was the second time around and it was basically a repeat of all of his/our previous issues. I can't say I really regret that we reunited because I was able to be there for him during a very difficult time in his life (although now he doesn't seem to care) but I do wish I had pulled the plug on things when I first started having doubts which was pretty soon into our "relationship" when he started displaying the same old behavior. I have a bad habit of clinging onto something when I really should just let go and although I clung on too long this time I am proud I had the sense to stop it. He never seemed to have the same concerns as I did and we never seemed to be on the same page although he said he wanted the same things in the beginning and I believed him, then it kept turning into I don't knows and I finally just had enough of all of it. It was basically one big cycle of him hurting my feelings by pushing me away in some form, him apologizing, me taking him back and disregarding my feelings and then it was on repeat cycle. It was exhausting.

Of course we had our fun moments but I try not to think about those because the majority of our "relationship" was exhausting and frustrating for me, it is a full-time job trying to be with someone who doesn't care about being with you. I've learned that more than once with him and that was one time too many.

It is really hard to not break the NC rule sometimes but you definitely feel worse after you contact them and I try to remember that. I keep myself busy and that helps a lot, it is usually just when I'm at home and by myself that I start to wish he would call me. whenever you start to feel the urge just distract yourself, no matter what don't make that phone call or send that email!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:41pm

What prompted my question? Well, I'm a single male and have done quite well for myself. I've never been married, although I'd really like to one day (hopefully soon). So it isn't that I'm making a case that guys shouldn't get married - because it is something I'd like.

It's just that I once had someone tell me that there is absolutely no benefits in marriage for a guy in my situation. None at all. At first I didn't agree and came up with some examples that I thought supported my position (like in your response). I believe that every single response I had had a very effective argument against it. Like from your response:

::studies consistently show that married men are happier, healthier and live longer than unmarried men.

These studies do not make a comparision of married men to men that have been in similar long-term co-habitation arragements. It compares married to single men. Other studies show that the life span difference between men and woman (as well as happiness, health, etc.) are due mostly to the stress and risks that single men take when they first become sexually mature - in large part to win over woman - so, if a man is in a stable long-term relationship, without marriage, this reason does not hold up as a reason for a man to get married.

:: I want the legal sanction and protections of marriage.

I understand that, but the absolute truth is that the legal protections offered by a marriage are not for the benefit of men in my situation at all. They are for the benefit of the woman (actually the spouce that doesn't earn the money, but that is quite often the woman). I want to be married mostly because of the representation that that is of the commitement to the relationship, but the legal sanctions/protection are SIGNIFICANTLY NOT in my favor.

:: And a lot of other people do too apparently since something like 95% of Americans get married by age 40.

I believe the statistics you show above are have nothing to do with men getting married for the legal sanction/protections it has everything to do with social norms and how people are taught to live their lives. Again, not seeing the 'benefits' for a male in my situation.

::Financially there are benefits. A couple can earn more than one person.

While conceptually a couple can earn more than individuals, the reality is there is absolutely zero financial benefits for someone in my situation. The opposite is quite true...there are significant additional costs and financial pitfalls and very little potential for any noticable financial benefits.

::Legally there are benefits: husbands and wives have greater legal protection than do cohabiting couples.

While almost all of the legal benefits go to the non-working spouse (or lower wage earner), you have something here. However, those benefits are very very few as most cohabitating couples can get most of the same legal protections through other means besides marriage, if they make the effort.

::Someone to console you when you're down, a warm and comforting presence when you come home at the end of a long hard day, someone to plan trips with, scheme with, help you deal with your crazy parents and siblings, look out for you, cook meals with you, take care of you when you're sick, someone warm to sleep with one a cold day, etc.

Absolutely great benefits, but again, being married isn't needed for any of them.

::Like I said, I have nothing against people living together if that's what they want. I have done it and it didn't work for me. I would like to be in a marriage because I want to make and have that kind of commitment in my life. I think living together is less of a commitment, and I'm not interested in living my life half-lived. I want everything I'm entitled to.

I feel mostly the same way (well, except for the part about half-lived lives - even if I don't get married one day, I will have still lived my life to the fullest. And I do not feel that anyone is entitle to marriage or a healthy relationship - they need to work for it).

Thanks for answering. Hope it took your mind off your situation. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:54pm

Again, you will find that marital status is an issue and part of the law, but with digging into these laws, you will see that most of the issues deal with protections for the non-working spouse or there are other ways to get the same protections you seek, but without getting married to do it.

For example:

::Tax Breaks

It is actually a penalty to get married as far as tax benefits/breaks. Unmarried people are considered two taxpayers. Married are only considered one taxpayer. There are many many tax breaks that are for the benefit of only one taxpayer...so if you get married, you lose one of the two benefits that you used to have as two taxpayers. In the tax world they even call it 'the marriage penalty.'

Still, someone in my situation may save some money on taxes by marrying a spouse that doesn't work. Yet what is saved in taxes pales in comparision to the addition cost associated with getting married to that person.

ugh...I wish I could come up with a some really good reasons, but with a lot of thought and reading I can honestly say that I can't come up with any really good reasons, but I can come up with a lot of really reasons in the other direction. I know a grandmother that has lived with her 'guy' for like 30 years. Her first husband died and left her a pension and if she gets married, they'd lose it (and essentially be at the poverty level of income) - of course if she didn't marry her first husband, she wouldn't have the pension - but that really isn't a benefit for her first husband.

I guess I think about this because I'm thinking of getting married soon. All the good reasons I can come up with will help move that along....

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